Have you had arguments with NTs over nonverbal cues?

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Jayo
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23 Aug 2023, 5:15 pm

Wondering if my fellow ASD/HFA folks have ever gotten into an argument with an NT who was observing an interaction between you and another person (presumed NT) and told you after, "you didn't notice that he/she was annoyed???" (or upset, bored, uncomfortable, whatever) and you feel fairly certain that that wasn't the emotion shown, so you got into an argument with the third party observer?

I've had this happen a couple of times. I think it's a defense mechanism against being manipulated by unsavory types, who may see your "emotional dyslexia" as an opportunity to torment you in some way. I had this happen more than once around the age of 21.

Part of it may also have been a defense mechanism that I'd been subjected to emotionally painful rejection so many times, that dammit, I was gonna create my own narrative of the nonverbal communication being sent to me. But, of course, the observer probably still thought I was just as weird. :(

On a somewhat broader subject, I think this is part of the debate of whether people on the spectrum miss nonverbal cues, or misinterpret them. For me, it tended to be more of the latter as I got more non-verbally "fluent" following my diagnosis later in my twenties. You might say that I developed non-verbal communication as a "special interest". Occasionally I'd misinterpret more subtle emotional cues, but I wouldn't find this out until the day after thru introspection, or a trusted (and understanding) friend was there as an observer.



RetroGamer87
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26 Aug 2023, 2:29 am

No but I suspect that's why some people don't like me. Because I didn't pick up on some nonverbal cue. And since they think that it's impossible not to notice they probably think that I did pick up on the nonverbal cue and then purposefully ignored it. That's what worries me, that they'll think I did it on purpose.


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Edna3362
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26 Aug 2023, 6:04 am

Sure.

My own expressions, usually against myself and expressions towards myself and what I recall irrelevant to those around me -- is assumed to be directed at them. :roll:


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Jayo
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26 Aug 2023, 8:18 am

RetroGamer87 wrote:
No but I suspect that's why some people don't like me. Because I didn't pick up on some nonverbal cue. And since they think that it's impossible not to notice they probably think that I did pick up on the nonverbal cue and then purposefully ignored it. That's what worries me, that they'll think I did it on purpose.


Well, you know what...neurotypical salesmen intentionally ignore non-verbal/emotional cues ALL THE FRIKKIN' TIME.
:evil:
Just search for "pushy salesman" on YouTube, and you'll see what I mean. I've been on the receiving end of this before, too. I think it's because if you show too much emotional intelligence in sales, you won't close the deals.

But I digress a little. I remember reading an anecdote from an NT female's point of view, that she as being approached by some guy with ASD/HFA (it's strongly implied even though she didn't use that label) who started chatting her up, and she was complaining about how could he not notice my negative non-verbals...he just carries on as if I never showed them...he must be purposefully ignoring them, b/c it's unnatural if he didn't notice them, he must have some sort of passive-aggressive personality disorder or something. :roll:



IsabellaLinton
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26 Aug 2023, 8:24 am

I don't have arguments because I don't speak enough.

I'm sure I've pissed off quite a few people with my flat affect because they don't know how to read ME.

As for me not reading them, I don't stick around people long enough for them to react.


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SharonB
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26 Aug 2023, 9:52 am

I agree that generally I notice non-verbal cues but either don't know exactly how to interpret them or I blatantly disregard them. (1) My bully boss is looking at me across the room --- firstly I am not clear how much he's a bully out of ignorance or intention, so what the heck would an unusually direct and long look mean? (2) If I have to listen to their sports or poop story for 10 min, why can't they listen to my special interest for 5 min? "I can see you are uncomfortable with information that you do not readily relate to; I feel the same. May I continue as you did?" Do they notice our non-verbal cues? My favorite one is staring at someone imploring them to ask (don't assume)...



ASPartOfMe
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27 Aug 2023, 2:17 am

That has happened sometimes. I think more people are thinking that about me but don't want to say it.


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27 Aug 2023, 2:54 am

Misunderstandings over minor issues. They can go @#$! themselves.