As I've said in a previous thread, I've been trying to embrace my neurodivergence as I'm dealing with a huge amount of internalized ableism for some time, realizing that my being on the spectrum was something I've been repressing, if not outright denying me being on the spectrum ever since one of parent told me about my diagnoses at the age of 18 (please don't judge me. I'm actually trying to figure myself out and it's been a struggle since then to find myself and I'm finally, FINALLY starting to actualize myself to my real self).
But during that time, right up until the beginning of covid, when I was able to finally, FINALLY live out days in peace at what I called my home at the time, I started trying to let go of my masking behavior and it's been very difficult, even now as NT's (or whomever, I don't really know), has made me a bit of target.
I've heard some of the worst things out of people's mouths passive-aggressively since I've come out as an autistic male, particularly where I work, I've been criticized and abused by my co-workers. Apparently, my family wanted me to keep it shut (for some reason) and have been unkind since my coming out as they have connections to a local sports and business community where I live and have been using these connections in some effort of gossip-milling to do ... whatever. It even went so far as a janitor at my previous job to say things like "he's the oldest. It obviously way too late for him to try and do anything with his life" being the worst sort of slander I had to deal with in earshot and I had no way to defend myself because I was in the probationary period of my job and making waves could have gotten me fired. THAT was painful to hear considering I was struggling to get my life together.
Anyway, for the past 2 decades, more or less, I was repressing my autism and masking so much that it led to burnouts and tension between myself and other people as I've tried to come out before. The pattern is usually I come out, and explain what's going on in my head, and it looks like I'm accepted at first. But, after a while, people tend to interact with me less; their speech patterns get simpler, almost as though it is patronizing; and, during the worst times, they feel comfortable with judging me, insulting me or even outright being rude or otherwise outwardly discriminatory to me if I do.
I know I can't control the actions of other people and acceptance isn't something that is just offered but, give me a break. This is the first time in my life I feel confident, strong, and able to take all this ... I don't want to say it's abuse but I don't know what else to call it, as an autistic male with reeling myself back to appease some notion of "normalcy" but apparently that isn't enough for a lot of people. I have to wear clothes they expect me to wear; act on social cues and say the right words in all social interactions; have a fashionably normal life with kids, and a "stable" 9 to 5 job (both of which I've rejected for the sake of my happiness and well-being) where I'm forced to be social and be miserable without any heed to my emotional, physical and even spiritual health; and just be one of "them" when I know very well I can't. I'm done trying to comply and act against myself for the sake of brownie points and making their lives easier when my concerns, wants, or even needs go unheard and thusly unmet.
Does anyone else feel like this? Does anyone else feel like a pariah just because they feel who they are rejected by wider society because of who we are? I feel like I'm not the only one. Please let me know.
01 Sep 2023, 10:00 pm
