His name was "Dale" (Always!)
His credentials are impeccable, and you can ask any of his 37 ex-employers to vouch for him. Oh, except for the ones that have since moved, changed their phone numbers or developed very specific types of dementia that prevent them from remembering Dale at all, or instead, causing an incoherent, foaming-at-the-mouth rage at any mention of Dale's name.
Dale’s animal husbandry skillset is remarkable, though I recommend that you don’t use the term “Animal Husbandry” in Dale’s earshot, as he seems to have a rather offbeat and highly controversial understanding of that term.
Dale’s earliest experience with snakes goes back to when he was 5, and his big sister’s latest 39-year-old boyfriend (also named “Dale”, as one should now expect) introduced him to his latest reptilian barter acquisition, revealed to young Dale through a light haze of “home-rolled cigarette” smoke, and drawn slowly and cinematically from a feed sack in the trunk of the rusty ’74 Camaro that older Dale always referred to as “my ride”.
Young Dale asked in wonder what kind of snake it was, and what was the scientific name of this species?, to which his senior responded
“What do I look like to you, kid, some kind of f*****g NERD?!?”
“The dumb-ass I traded a 24-pack of PBR to for this here monster said It’s a God-Damned North Carolina Cobra!”
Young Dale’s life changed forever at that very moment, and after a quick trip to the local Urgent Care facility to treat his very first snakebite wound, Young Dale spent the next decades of his life acquiring, selling, pawning, housing, accidentally killing with a vacuum cleaner and arguing about every large snake within the Tri-County area.
Dale’s knowledge of the suborder Serpentes has grown to the point where he can now identify nearly 4 species, and he carries anti-venom for some of them.
Although Dale’s personal relationships with other humans have occasionally suffered due to his passion, none of the worst accusations by Charlene, Darlene or Cassandra have EVER been proven beyond a shadow of a doubt in a court by a jury of his peers, and Dale has the court papers to prove it!
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Darron, temporary Desert Rat