I Have Had To Say Goodbye To My Mum...

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Hello.

Sometimes, I just don't have the words, and this is especially something that is hard for me to write out.

My mother (like my late gran) has always put others first. Very much a people person, or rallyer. You know? In times of need, I could always depend on her for support, and she was so sad when my sister had her children taken away by these scummy social workers. So I believe this contributed to her poor health, both physically and mentally. She also knows I have had a long history of being mistreated by trolls online, and my ex support workers from years ago were real pieces of trash as well.

Sadly, since last year in March, she was in and out of hospital with multiple chronic health issues. After suffering a sudden heart attack last year, the nurses at my local hospital would learn she has kidney failure, resulting in my mum requiring vital dialysis three times a week. Of course, dialysis can prolong life, but it ain't no miracle cure. Although she found it was causing a lot of pain, and would ask to end the session earlier than is suggested if it became too discomforting.

The NHS in Edinburgh had been increasing her fentanyl dosages, and she had been in a hospice for respite recently, when they were attempting to persuade her to essentially stay there to die. This hurt her feelings, and she started to kind of become almost motionless, talking a lot less and being noticeably agitated. Like, it had affected her hearing that.

Unfortunately, as she become frail suddenly, she went into the hospital's A&E department, and they ended her dialysis about a week ago, as she's now in a hospital bed, unresponsive. Her skin is discolored and feels cold, which is normal when the body is basically telling you, "Please, no more agony. I've had enough." But even still, the heart is stronger than the mind is, and it's kind of saying, "I don't want to leave my loved ones behind."

Apart from having a weak heart, my mum has COPD, and began having strokes and seizures more recently, as the body is giving up and not able to process the glucose, which was just not absorbing properly. Also, she has been in tremendous pain because of a major bulge of the aorta, due to being a heavy smoker. They noticed it had worsened in size, but undergoing an operation was always out of the question.

For a while, she had been buying a particular brand of cigarettes, with what I suspect carried a rather dangerous tar content. I think this was her plan to save money when supermarkets started to increase the price of a packet. In fact, she was still smoking as of over a week ago.

My gran smoked too, and passed away from lung cancer in 2004. She had dementia too, and spent her final days in a care facility. I loved my gran, and she was like myself, a real friendly person and a chatterbox.

I feel like I'm about to lose my best friend, as anybody who has lost their mother will know and tell you, there's no pain that equals that loss. Losing a spouse is hard too, but when it's your own mother, damn it, you know when the nest is empty. My sister feels she'll be enduring it the worst, as she has been her full-time carer for over a year.

I really don't know what I'll do when she's gone. It will be any day or hour now, surely. And I think getting through that first year is gonna be a major struggle, as I already have difficulties with anxiety, OCD, and bouts of agoraphobia. But I know my mother will be there with us in spirit.



Regards, from Peter (AKA thesaunderschild).

Very sorry to hear you're losing your mother.

{{{{ Peter }}}}

I'm so sorry about what you're going through.

I'm caregiving for my mum and my brother. I can't quite imagine losing either one.

Keep us posted and I'll be thinking of you.

Thank you for the support.

My mum has started to give signals non verbally, which is very comforting for the family and myself.

I’m sorry for your pain.

I'm so sorry to hear about this. We recently lost my grandmother to old age; death is hard even when it's peaceful and timely. It sounds like such an ordeal with your mum. I'm glad she's started giving small signals. Connection is so important. It sounds like you love each other very much. That is the most important. I'll be thinking about you.