Does autistic people make narcissists nervous?

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BillyTree
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21 Oct 2023, 5:57 am

I read a post on instagram by a self-proclaimed narcissist saying that autistic people makes him very uncomfortable because he can't read them or know what they are thinking and that makes it hard to push the right buttons to get the response he as a naricissist wants. Before he found this out he didn't understand why some people triggered this strong reaction in him. I haven't found any article that confirms that autistic people have this effect on narcissists. But I have a personal experience that might fit into this. A couple a years ago I had a rather pompous supervisor that asked me why he, in his own words, "doesn't get any emotional reaction" from me when he praised me for doing a good job. I responded "I know I do a good job. I think it's a good thing you see that I do a good job. I would be happy if this affects my salary. By the way, what do you want to acchive when you give me praise?" Of course he didn't answear that question. Instead he complained about me complaining to much about different things. Any thoughts on this subject narcissists interacting with autistics?


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21 Oct 2023, 6:04 am

Since narcissists often want praise and perceived aggrandizement, whether real or imagined in terms of their accomplishments/persona, autistic folk I think would likely be a poor target for narcissists, since worshipping a narcissist and giving them their narc' supply would be difficult for an autistic to play a part in, given a lack of social skills and rapport that autistic people usually lack with other people.



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21 Oct 2023, 7:43 am

I think it all depends on the person and their awareness of how narcissists operate. You will probably get a lot of people here saying that they have been manipulated by narcissists but usually once is enough to gain the knowledge to protect yourself - although it's far too easy to let your guard down and not recognize behaviours till it's too late.


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21 Oct 2023, 7:46 am

I think abusive people find us to be easy targets because we often don’t recognize red flags. Many of us have been in abusive relationships for this reason. Studies seem to support that conclusion. Not everyone with NPD is abusive but some are.


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BillyTree
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21 Oct 2023, 9:32 am

TwilightPrincess wrote:
I think abusive people find us to be easy targets because we often don’t recognize red flags. Many of us have been in abusive relationships for this reason. Studies seem to support that conclusion. Not everyone with NPD is abusive but some are.

So if you by abusive people mean narcissists then it's the other way around; they prey on autistics because we are honest people that expect others to be honest as well. That makes us in a way socially naive. Well, I trust people's good intentions to a very high degree until they cross that line and take advantage of me being gullible. You can fool me ones, but then there's no going back. From that point I treat you as somebody with bad intentions. So that makes me an easy target for a first shot, but after that I - figuratively speaking - return fire with a with a vengance.

But I think what the instagram-narcissist refers to is an other social mechanism. We are hard to read and don't react to the same triggers as neurotypical people. For example myself, I am pretty much immune to flatter and is very hard to trigger a respond from by attacking my ego. I leave myself out of the equation in a way neurotypical people hardly ever do.


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funeralxempire
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21 Oct 2023, 1:53 pm

In my experience I'm not very good bait for narcissistic types because I don't play their game the way they'd like.

I'm uncomfortable with flattery and it's hard to hurt my ego, so they lose both their carrot and their stick when trying to manipulate me. Beyond that I tend to remain emotionally distant from most others and take a long time to develop trust, meaning it requires playing a longer game than most of those sorts of people wish to.

Beyond that, other traits might contribute to incompatibility. I'm deeply self-critical, which is something that narcissists rarely possess and often are made uncomfortable by. All the more so, when I'm being self-critical I'm bothered by attempts to comfort me because they're not needed, which means instead of being an in for them to flatter me while I seek attention and comfort, I'm just picking apart how I could do better and don't need to be comforted.

They're used to how regular people operate and people who function differently throw them off.

Supposedly dark empath personalities also really get under narcissistic people's skins.


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21 Oct 2023, 7:26 pm

I know I make most narcissists angry, but maybe they are reacting out of fear of the unknown.



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21 Oct 2023, 8:10 pm

Are we talking about actual NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder) here, or the usual "that selfish person was nasty to me so I'll call them a narcissist"? There's a difference. NPD is actually not that far from Anxiety Disorder.

In my understanding, people with NPD often have very low self-esteem deep down - they develop an overbearingly huge but fragile ego as a kind of defense mechanism. They are desperate for people to recognise them as "superior" to bolster this defense mechanism, and have all kinds of dysfunctional ways of trying to get that admiration. They are also pretty bad at "reading" people. They aren't coldy rational manipulators, they're frantically mashing people's buttons in an attempt to get what they need. If something works, they'll repeat it. It wouldn't surprise me if autistic people bother them because we respond wrongly to the attention-seeking behaviours that have worked in the past.


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21 Oct 2023, 11:44 pm

One narcissist at work -- a senior salesman -- was always trying to impress others.

One day, I walked past a small crowd of people gathered around his brand new Trans-Am.  He called out to me and asked, "What do you think of my new car?"

I told him "It's cute!" and kept walking.

He was outraged, shouting epithets at me and demanding I come back for a closer look.

"I said 'it's cute' already!  What more do you want?"

Apparently, he was upset that I -- a mere junior engineer at the time -- would dismiss his big, red, macho muscle-car as merely 'cute', as he then went on a campaign of complaining about everything I did, said, or even wore until the day he was dismissed for harassment and insubordination.



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22 Oct 2023, 12:20 pm

I can hang with narcissistic folks - although it's fairly unpleasant at times. They do seem puzzled or thwarted by me. I'm like "so"?

Interestingly, my mom is Autistic and narcissistic. I don't know that she's a narcissist (NPD) since she doesn't do it on purpose (I hope). As a child she berated me constantly, now a lot, recently she's started saying more nice things. She's apologized to me once in my lifetime but mainly she's contrary and attacks if I suggest an interaction is hurtful. She'll accuse me of being selfish and projecting and being unempathetic and judging others. According to others I am highly compassionate and empathetic. Recently she told me I talk too much about myself with everyone and my negative feelings depress everyone. I was like "ummm, I know sadness can be uncomfortable for many people and I do struggle with [a lot]... Do you mean with my friends, or at home, or my workplace - most people find me generally energetic, caring, and optimistic." She will then tell me that could be true in part, but mostly they are lying. It was bad as a child. She physically abused me a couple times and denied it. That's when I was clear: I can put up with a lot, but irrationality crosses a line.

Me: You hurt me. (calmly, factually)
Her: No, I didn't. You are always accusing me of being a bad mom. [ummm, I would simply express an opinion or need]
Me: Really you did, look... [at my bleeding or bruised body part]
Her: I'm not going to look because you lie to make me feel bad. (and she walked off)

Delusional in her pursuit of protecting her feelings/ego. My husband (a similar but lower key version of my mother) did this recently (self-denial), but it was about a vegetable and there was no adverse physical effects for anyone.



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26 Oct 2023, 9:13 pm

BillyTree wrote:
I read a post on instagram by a self-proclaimed narcissist


It bothers me that narcissists are allowed to roam freely.

I've been told by a number of people that I do not suffer fools gladly so they would have to be a very skilled manipulator not to set off lots of warning lights.



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26 Oct 2023, 9:34 pm

Weight Of Memory wrote:
BillyTree wrote:
I read a post on instagram by a self-proclaimed narcissist


It bothers me that narcissists are allowed to roam freely.


Yes, having a personality disorder isn't illegal. :wink:


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27 Oct 2023, 7:38 am

I generally try to avoid such people because I feel uncomfortable around them. So I don't have the opportunity to find out if they are comfortable with me. And to be honest, it doesn't really bother me.



BillyTree
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27 Oct 2023, 10:36 am

edlexNeo wrote:
I generally try to avoid such people because I feel uncomfortable around them. So I don't have the opportunity to find out if they are comfortable with me.


I think it's a good idea to avoid narcissists. The ones (suspected) I have regularly been around is through my job and not people I have chosen to socialize with on my spare time.


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27 Oct 2023, 11:26 am

Some of us can't remember faces but we can remember the exact words someone said two years ago.
They may not want to admit it but if they tell lies that can be very disturbing. Some people count on the fact that if you wait six months, most folks forget the details. When I worked with customers I found it best not to reveal how much I remember about previous conversations.



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27 Oct 2023, 12:22 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
I think abusive people find us to be easy targets because we often don’t recognize red flags. Many of us have been in abusive relationships for this reason. Studies seem to support that conclusion. Not everyone with NPD is abusive but some are.

^^^^
This.


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