Struggling

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High masking adult female here, typically keeping it together on my own and powering through life keeping the painful parts private.
Self diagnosed audhd about 10 months ago.
20 years into successful career in social work profession.
Currently so deeply lost in burnout unlike any previous experience. Finally understanding myself has been a wild ride. In the past, the fear and shame around whatever made me different worked as fuel that pushed me through. Sheer refusal to fall apart.
Understanding my wiring has made for a new and different experience. So many solutions off the table, because it is what it is. Feeling so trapped and alone. A whole life of building a cage of normalcy and masking- I didn’t understand. I find myself here just reaching a hand out, grasping for hope and connection in a world where nothing feels like it fits. I am safe. Just feeling desperately alone and completely drained. So scary.

you are not alone, many here will find they relate to your story. It was a huge relief to find out about my autism in my late 60s. So much finally made sense. Picking through all the events of the past and finally understanding how autism worked in so many ways without any of us knowing! I am slowly beginning to feel like a new person, 4 years after diagnosis. Diagnosis can be life changing!

Thank you
Hanging on, knowing surrendering to what is will deliver new opportunities to untangle all of this.
Means so much to know I am not alone.

that was one of the best things about getting my late autism diagnosis. I was able to connect with others who understood! I was able to ask questions of patient folks who had lifetimes of experience and insights here and in other forums, even contact people who wrote blogs or who had online articles, etc . So much to sort, but others have gone before us and have useful suggestions and ideas, explanations that really helped! Once we get over the shock, it is kind of exciting to explore the past and our personal neurologies to gain new understanding and insights. I ended up getting totally fascinated by "all things autism" and 4 years after my late diagnosis, I spend hours every day on autism forums and reading papers, articles, searching for autism info, etc. Its a whole 'nother world!

I agree… and have also experienced the gift in the diagnosis as far as making things make sense as I reflect on my life.
I realize that I have been fortunate in many ways to have been able to build the life I have, given the difficulties of my inner world and the injuries I experience as a result of functioning in a world designed for NTs.
I have a journey ahead of me to dismantle much of what I have created that I can no longer tolerate living within. I have exhausted and drained myself to a frightening degree and my nervous system is just shot at the moment.
Terrified at the prospect of letting it all unravel so I can try to rebuild a healthy and realistic path forward. Feeling separated from all my strengths and gifts and in a dark place with no fuel in the tank to take action.
In some ways it was easier not to understand, because it allowed me to believe in the possibility of much simpler solutions. And while those efforts were misguided, I never found myself without direction and hope.
I have enough wisdom and experience to know that this dark time will pass. But in the meantime… oof. Taking comfort in the idea that there is a tribe that I belong to and that my pain is not unique.

Some of the emotional intensity can come from a binary view of life. For example, if one sees "normal" people versus those with problems, it can be depressing to discover that one has no hope of ever being normal. However, considering that "normal" is not as homogeneous as often presented, one begins to discover paths in life that can be a better fit.

There are all sorts of people on what might be called the fringe of "normal". Perhaps even most people. This in itself would require a new definition of "normal".

There are sub groups such as artists, musicians, writers, book lovers, scuba divers, motorcycle enthusiasts, and even church goers who define outside of or peripheral to normal.

Considering that one has a different neurology allows one to stop banging ones head against the wall and begin to see life as one of seeking connection with those who have the capacity to reciprocate friendship and even romance outside of conventional expectations.

Best advice is to relax and slowly recover.

You already know this from how you feel.

Been through many myself and it really takes at least double the length of time to recover than one thinks and one is vunerable to repeating. Each burnout/breakdown I had hit me worse than the one before. Last one scared me as while in it I had a moment where I forgot how to walk. Was just standing there in the middle of the car park outside where I worked not even knowing what to do!

Definite loss of skills, capacity for coping with stress, sensory stimuli etc.
I am a mom to the loveliest 9 year old, also ND. Feeling so much guilt about laying in the bed so much when not at work but its all I can do atm to keep going.
Thank you all- I have read that the antidote to ND burnout is not inly rest, but community and connection so I am stepping out of my comfort zone. Appreciate you.

Something important of what not to do. Don't add to your life by extra things when vunerable. (Vunerable as in burnout or burnout recovery stage).
When I hit my first burnout that hit me very noticably (Never knew it was mental as it hit me physically though my mind was bouncing back and fore. I instinctively knew what I needed to do in order to recover. Could not get help as didn't have a clue how to describe what I was going through. Felt like if I tried to go to a doctor that it would take a week of a single lengthy appointment to open up and try to describe it! I actually wanted to be seen by a vet who could deal with me without me needing to talk! Haha! But vets are not allowed to deal with humans. This was before I discovered autism as a possibility and I have not been assessed quite yet).

I knew I needed to withdraw. I almost committed suicide as a means to get out of the situation I was in. The Lord intervened. But after a miriacle about two weeks later, I knew what to do as I had conformation after having seen the miriacle.

I handed in my notice. Was the most well paid job I had ever had, but I handed in my notice. Then after than I put my house for sale. Sold it for half its value and broke even to the penny when I worked out every single bill I paid.

I sold my clasic car and my camper. I rid myself of anything which could cause me stress. (Camper and classic car could deteriate as I could not dedicate time to them. Got very little for them compared to what I had paid for them, but I needed the stress of owning them off my back as people were saying things which stressed me.
I gave away five brand new full suspension bicycles because brother said they take up space to get rid of that stress. I just gave away or sold very cheap most of what I had or owned. (Sharks soon come to try to put pressure on you to try to get things for free or for a bargain!) I just wanted nothing that could cause me stress so I could have a chance to mentally recover.

Anyway. What I am trying to say is not to make any un-neccessary commitments. Just to plan relaxing days out to scenic places where you and family can go for walks. You need de-stress time.
If social gatherings bring stress, don't go to any. Is time for you to recover!
If something you own brings stress as it needs work doing on it, and you don't really need it, sell it or give it away. I had to de-clutter to destress. Just keep your husband and children! Haha! Don't de-clutter them! You need them to love!

This is inspiring as much of the pressure that is doing me in is related to the ‘golden handcuffs’ of a well paying job with lots of benefits and security that I provide for the family. High intensity work setting in mental health field- as a therapist supporting others and managing crises daily, my nervous system wants to go offline the minute I walk out the door- and my day is really just beginning as a mom/wife/homeowner/pet owner etc. (my husband is the most supportive and helpful partner I could ever ask for, but he is not positioned to rescue us financially). Despite a lifetime of significant troubles which now make sense in the context of neurodivergence, I managed to become ‘successful’ in the eyes of society and a culture that values productivity over all. It is terrifying to allow what I have understood to be the fruits of my labor to beat the odds fall apart and put all of the creature comforts, family security and such at risk. I am very good at what I do, and I believe I make a difference through my work, but what good is any of this if I drown? I know I need to breathe and live in a rhythm that doesn't leave me feeling like a pile of dry bones.
Thanks for listening… I love ND people and even these notes make me feel so much less alone and crazy.