Lightbulb Moment

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I have been doing my research on autism for the last two years, and I got my formal diagnosis a few months ago. Since then I have been going over my life in my head and ascribing my autism to various things I’ve done, reasons why I didn’t fit in etc. So basically I’ve been dividing my life up into bits and saying to myself that that bit’s because of autism and that bit isn’t. BUT…. It’s literally only just occurred to me that I am autistic all the time, not just in bits and pieces.

Did you have that same moment as well?

Absolutely. It made so many episodes in my life make sense to me. It was extremely enlightening but a bit overwhelming as well.

I had loads of shock moments when I joined this site. Didn't have a clue that I had traits, and when I heard traits mentioned which I share, I just thought they were my unusual character. I knew almost nothing about autism traits until I joined here!

Sometimes I try an forget about my condition.

Put my Sensory issues and social clumsiness aside.

I'll wake up one day and feel as if the condition isn't there.

I'll make plans to go to the party I've been saying no to for the last week

Though, when I am there. Liquored up and ready to party.

The day may be incredibly awkward, I may sit there in the corner drinking my beer. I may info dump on some rando that is showing disinterest that I can't notice in the moment.

The day could also turn out quite nice, I may even make a few friends.

In both cases I still have autism, and an autist at a party is still an autist at a party.

I may not be able to mask fully untill appearing neurotypical, but I'd like to think I can still have some moments of "normal" in my life.

the "bits" that aren't autism may not have symptoms of the condition that are apparent, but I think every thing I do is because of autism. The autism means my brain is wired differently from most, and most if not all my actions are the result of my brain.

Yes, though I'm not certified yet. I have had the same process with ADHD as well. Masking has not only helped me convince others but also myself that I can be (or appear to be) 'normal' (sometimes). But like you said, the condition is always there, so it's just another part of the condition.

I’m just surprised it didn’t click earlier, considering all that I learnt.

I didn't have a lightbulb moment of deciding "everything" was autism.
My lightbulb moment was when I discovered I was autistic.
Then I knew "everything" counted.

yes, and its amazing to look back and see how autism worked behind the scenes in everything but nobody knew or even suspected! It takes a long time to sort all those past events when we start looking at them from the new perspective of knowing our diagnosis. I am 7 years in from first suspecting my autism to 4 years past diagnosis. Things are finally starting to settle down and I think I have a pretty good idea about how my own autism affects me, and have made self accommodation in the way I do life. Diagnosed at age 68, and its never too late to benefit from the self understanding diagnosis brings. Give yourself time, eventually most everything will come together and for me it was such a relief to be able to forgive myself for failing at almost everything all those years, knowing that everything was after all, not "all my fault". Use your strenghts, forgive your weaknesses and learn new ways to "work around" them. It is a lot to sort! You are among friends who understand. Cheering you on.

Good observation. Yes, I dated my difference back to around age 3 or 4 when I died. I was attacked by a large bull and it smashed my brain. I cam back but as a right side dominant brain instead of the normal left side dominant brain. These two sides of the brain are very different people. The right side is normally our sleep brain. But in my case it is my daytime brain.

But the main thing to understand is that I LIKE MY BRAIN just the way it is. It provides me with very distinct advantages. But you have to learn how to use it properly.

I wondered off and on for a long time about having autism, but thought that I couldn't have it because I'm polite (which I thought meant that I'm very socially aware). So I didn't look into it as a real possibility.

This is going to sound dumb, but a tipping point for me in realizing I'm probably autistic was a few years ago when I got really into Neopets. I was playing it for more than eight hours a day, for a few months, and genuinely enjoying it a lot. I had a pattern of doing stuff like this all my life, but finally I thought "this isn't something that a normal adult would do" and I started looking into autism more seriously.

I used to constantly wonder if "X" behavior was due to autism or ADHD or PTSD, etc. One day my therapist said, "Does it really matter?" I realized it didn't. I stopped focusing on the why or where of it all and just realized that it simply is.

For me it isn't just autism, but being transgender and possibly intersex put me in the uncanny valley between male and female! I find it is a lot easier to wear a skirt and tights than to grow another 7 inches to be at the normal height to look like a guy!

That sounds like a much harder journey. I hope that you have found a happy medium.

I’ve constantly heard the phrase, “It feels like everybody else got the rule book for life, and I didn’t”.

On the surface I didn’t really connect with that statement, but now if been thinking more and more about my life, I see that I had many moments where after something had happened, I would say to myself that I’m sure that my parents/grandparents should have told me about that.

Yes, I'm in a much better place today. Having money helps.
Retired as my investments have done really well.

I get gendered as female on the phone and have a petite hourglass figure, so passing as female is something I can do.
Even better, I live in very accepting neighborhood and most of my neighbors know me as the lady who grows those gorgeous flowers.

I just got two packages really quickly through the local post office. I talk to the post office guys when I'm outside gardening. I think they get lonely working alone and like it when anyone shows them some respect.

We are all equally autistic at all times, that doesn't mean it's always equally apparent. That being said, that's certainly a point of view that some have, but for those with multiple diagnoses the things aren't necessarily always that clear-cut. Most of the things that I do and am are for different reasons, it's part of why getting a proper diagnosis has been such a challenge. The obsessive thoughts I had because of OCD are definitely not the same as the obsessive thoughts I get from autism. Similarly, when I'm hyperfocusing because of ADHD, that's not necessarily the same as when I'm OCD overfocusing or autistic special interesting.