how alienated were you?

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throughout my life I never experienced any form of social validation, I sucked at sports, school and socially. The only things people point out positively in me would be my artwork. How alienated were you in school from cliques?.

Not sure what a clique is. Some years I didn't have friends at all. Some years I had a friend. But it was a friend a year younger. Occasionally had one my age but usually didn't last. Rarely had anyone who would visit apart from the friend who was younger but then he moved abroad. There was one person who some years was a complete bully and then for a year or two was a freind, and then a bully again when he befriended someone else.
Years later he was the only one from school who kept in touch. He would visit on average about once every three or four years with a decade gap now and then... When he visited, he would visit two or three times, and then I would not see him for a few years. But I REALLY appreciated that he visited as not a single other person has kept in touch.

When I was a kid, and really throughout most of my life, my goal was to have one person who was my companion and who would act as a conduit to the rest of the world. When I was little it was my sister (and at 59 years old it's my sister again, to the extent that she can deal with it). I moved a lot as a kid but occasionally had a best friend. In my adult life I had two long term relationships. But there were always stretches in between when I was on my own and I was not capable of connecting with the world or making casual friendships, so I was pretty isolated and alienated much of the time.

I also always had this sense that I didn't get it, that the world around me existed in ways that I didn't understand and didn't know how to manage. And I still do, though I am a bit better at managing practical things, like bills and taxes, because at least there are steps you can take one at a time. But if I don't know the steps or there are a lot of variables and decisions it's still really hard for me. It's as if I didn't get the handbook for living that most other people seem to have.

I didn't feel alienated much. No problem at all till I was about 9, then my social life got somewhat precarious, which I largely put down to my neighbourhood playmates having mostly moved out of the area and my going to a new school at the far side of town. But I didn't particularly want to be in with the "in crowd." I was content with one pal at a time, and always seemed to find one. Then I got in with a couple of groups of "progressive" types, and related to them very well. So I'd developed a healthy contempt for mainstream groups and always got my jollies from the fringes of society, particularly hippies, lefties, and bohemian types, and back then (late 60s and 70s), it was beginning to look like we were going to have the country run our way.

And I'd somehow learned to relate fairly well to girls / women of the right kind for me. So although I've never felt especially confident of my ability to avoid being friendless or partnerless for too long, my track record at least has always looked fairly good. I see my social success level as a raft - hard to completely sink but my feet can get wet if I don't watch out. I was also lucky to have acquired enough music skills to impress people and open social doors. Without that I'd probably have sunk without trace decades ago.

These days the hippies, lefties and bohemians are in rather short supply (especially in Arkansas), but I'd been gradually switching my view from "HLB are the only people for me" to "I like friendly people," and in the Arkansas countryside there are lots of friendly people. I still find myself being alone too often to stop me feeling lonely, but it's more down to unfortunate circumstances than to autism. And when I do a lot of socialising I soon start longing for a bit of space. People are one of those things I can't quite live with but can't quite live without. I wish I had a switch for my social life, but people tend to think I'm not interested in them and drift away if I just pull the plug whenever I want to. Can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.

I remember my first two years of secondary school having not a single friend in my class. Was lucky to find a 6th form prefect to stand by at break and lunch times. She left school after that due to her age. Once briefly saw her a few months after she left school, but never seen her again. She looked after me.

I got away with school life due to being quiet. I was told off for being quiet though.

100% alienated.
Zero friends.
I ate alone hiding in the library.
I was Alison from The Breakfast Club, minus The Breakfast Club.
Didn't know a soul.

Primary school wasn't too bad, but after a couple years of secondary school I reached a state where I hated everyone and everyone hated me.

I've always had friends, but they are a collection of nerds or otherwise quirky people. I have found that for me, while it's not always a success, I do best with people who like me for who I am and how I think. Instead of finding people who require small talk, I find people who love deep conversations about things.

At the high school prom students had to preselect table groups of friends to sit with for the meal. I wasn't selected by anyone and didn't know what to do. It turns out there was a table of leftover misfits like myself who got stuck together. I thought it was kind of embarrassing but I'd be able to relate to them. Turned out they all knew each other and had stories and memories to share. I didn't even recognise them, or them me, and no one spoke to me. I didn't know any of their memories or even the people they were talking about.

Total hell night. I left right after the meal before dancing.

*My parents made me go.

I wish it was like a movie, where I'd walk into the room in my dress and all the guys would turn and stare and wonder who this mysterious, enchanting beauty was. You know, that's only drummed into our heads from the time we're old enough to sit upright and stare at a screen. I thought guys were supposed to be horny for autistic girls and it was soooo easy for us to find a date, but maybe they got that wrong in all the BS fodder.

Fortunately my school never had proms. Thats an American thing.

I graduated in California of all f*****g places.

It couldn't get much worse.

It varied.

I mostly didn't have friends elementary school. There were brief periods where I'd get along with someone, but a few times that person left the school. I had a close friend for the last two years, but he was also pretty sh***y in a lot of ways (in hindsight).

I had a few friends in high school, although I also went through extended periods where none of them were on the same lunch.

In Primary they called me "stunned" and "spacy". Some kid threw an iceball in my face and my brother laughed about it instead of beating them up. I walked alone to and from school every day, including lunch hour, from Kindergarten to the end of Sixth Grade when I graduated.

Now I'm trying to remember if there was a graduation event? I don't think so.

In Primary, my friends parents decided who my 'friends' should be. As a result, I was stuck with a group I didn't particularly care for. There was plenty of blackmail and situations which meant I couldn't change things. In retrospect, I should have asked to move schools. However, I always assumed everything was normal and only realised it wasn't when I moved up to secondary school and told people what I thought were fun stories only to be met with disturbed looks. My idea of a normal friendship was very distorted.

As for secondary, I met my first real friend. I remember thinking - wow, I don't even have to follow a script. I can just talk freely. This is new. It felt like I could finally take off my mask and just be myself for once.

I summarise my school experience with this.

I was too intellectual for the jocks, too dumb for the nerds

I never had much friends at school, there was one year that we had 3 autistic students in the classroom (including myself) and we kinda bonded over that. But as we got separated into different classes the next year we drifted apart.

In hindsight, I wasn't the best at reaching out to people to make friends, I was very much in my own little world pursuing whatever interest I had at the time, so I never felt lonely even though it may have looked that way to some

I was not overly bullied apart from some childish teasing so I'm greatful for that