social separation and gender disassociation

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Not sure how to title this...

I always felt separated from others and it feels like my social separation has delved into a level of disassociation were I not only feel separated from everyone else, but I feel separate from my own body. I don't feel like a girl - my biological form - but I don't identify as nonbinary either. I have chosen it for this website because it is easier than explaining my own definition of my gender, but I feel wrong calling myself nonbinary. I feel like a brain in a tube operating this body with its own brain in it. So my 'brain' just feels like this other force in this body that isn't mine while my own brain exists elsewhere. It's kinda trippy lol. I wish I could change my body day to day and change it to match whatever aesthetic/outfit I'm doing for the day. I'm not sure how much, or if, my autism affects my gender, but the level of separation towards my body is the same feeling as my social separation. I'm not sure if any of y'all experience this too, but I'd love insight or something on this.

That's how I feel. My brain is a universe unto itself with no form or gender. My body is just incidental baggage that I lug around. I look female and I identify as female socially. I'm even heterosexual in terms of body parts, but on the inside I have no gender.

I used to say non-binary on this site but I switched it back. I can't remember why, exactly. I think it's because people assumed I looked non-binary, that I was political about my gender, or that I was kind of masculine, but I'm not.

I think a lot of autistic folk have experienced this kind of thing, either temporarily or permanently. I think I saw an article somewhere that claimed that autistic people are more likely to be somewhere on the LGBTQ+ spectrum, and though being non-binary isn't the exact same thing as being transgender, it does seem like it would come under that umbrella.

In short, I wouldn't feel bad about it/it is likely normal for autistic folk.

I remember times where I have looked at certain male characters and celebrities and thought to myself 'I want to be him'.

However, I came to realise that this was more to do with me wanting to emulate a certain style or way of holding oneself rather than gender. It was about what the character represented.

Yet it was also more than that. Ever since puberty, how I felt about my body was never all that consistent. Some days I wanted my chest to look flat and my body more androgynous. Other days I wanted my body to look more traditionally feminine and my chest more pronounced.

I always assumed this would stop after I finished going through puberty, but it didn't. It's sort of like someone's laying their cold hand on my shoulder. Sure, I can try to ignore it, but it makes me uncomfortably aware of myself in a way that feels off. Yet, even on days where I want to look flat (I'm already fairly small chested so this is fairly easy for me to achieve) I still feel like a woman. Just in a more understated fashion.

For me, I think of it as having an androgynous side and a feminine side and they take turns depending on how I'm feeling. And if one side is ignored, then it feels wrong. I tend to refer to myself as a casual femme.

I hope at least some of that makes sense. For a while I wondered if it was some form of intrusive thought. However, I came to realise that thinking of myself as a slightly androgynous but mostly feminine woman and dressing accordingly just feels right. I guess you could consider me a bit non-binary, but I don't identify as such.

I think a lot of people can relate to what you are going through, OP. The feeling of a genderless sense of self and disconnect from the physical form seem to often go hand-in-hand.

I myself am in a slightly different situation. I definitely relate to the idea of a genderless brain, but unlike every non-binary or trans person I know, I don't feel disconnected from my body. I don't experience dysphoria. Quite the opposite! I love my body. I love the oddly long blond hairs on neck, the cellulite on my thighs, my cankles, my breasts, my muscular shoulders, the moles on my neck etc. I am scrawny and muscular and prefer short hair, so I often get mistaken for a boy and have since childhood. As such, people around me sometimes make inappropriate comments about my gender. I really like the way that I look though. What's even more important, I feel like myself when I look in the mirror. I always have. I think this means that I am not non-binary, but really, is the word I just learned to categorize myself "female"? Have I simply never questioned it because I never felt uncomfortable enough in my own skin to motivate deeper reflection on the matter? Maybe? I honestly am not sure.

Yeah, I'm agender. I relate to this somewhat, though I don't necessarily feel disconnected from my body. I love that my secondary sex characteristics are kinda a mix of male and female. (I definitely have either PCOS or NCAH, Nonclassic congenital adrenal hyperplasia.) I am largely androgynous in gender presentation.

It's nice to see that I'm not the only one who feels alienated about their gender! But personally I think I should do HRT to balance it out kinda? Like it won't make myself like my body more i feel, but it could convey to others an oversimplified way of how I feel deep down.