A father with autism

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I’m a father to a beautiful baby and a beautiful, wonderful wife - on paper everything is perfect - but it’s far from.

I can’t help with the baby the way my wife needs me to because I get so nervous and when she cries I have meltdowns.

I see a lot of posts here about neurotypical parents raising autistic children but not the other way around.

I want to be the strong father my family deserves but when I am honest with myself- I am not a strong person. My wife knows I am “weak”. This tears me up daily. It’s hard to live with knowing you’re a disappointment to your spouse as a father.

Can anyone relate?

Maybe explain to your wife you need a bit longer to learn do these things, and keep practising, don't shy away from getting involved.
Everybody's nervous, specially with the first, try to be as supportive as you can, i remember my hub making these what's-up-with-bb questions sound like the inquisition, to me.

My aspie father did a lot for me, hindsight, mom was probably having a depression after i was born, i heard she/we had difficulties connecting, and me being a difficult eater from the start.

I'm a father with autism and I can sort of relate. I find it overwhelming. The sounds, the smells the way the little hellion darling keeps leaving her toys all over the living room and then her mother says I can't put anything in the upstairs room because that's little darlings playroom but she puts her toys in literally every room in the house so what's the point of having a play room?

I don't have space to myself anymore. I never have a time to myself when I can guaranteed I won't hear a 3 year old asking for something. Just work, kids, sleep, work, kids, sleep.

Sleep not guaranteed because little darling doesn't want to sleep in her carefully prepared bedroom. She wants to sleep in our bed and she keeps on touching me. I have autistic touch sensitivity. I can't possibly sleep through that.

And when I tell her to go back to her room her mother says I'm the bad guy.

Oh and it's not just toys that get left around the house. Half eaten meals get left in every room too. It makes me nauseated.

Het mother, who is extremely pedantic about anything I leave out of it's storage doesn't mind having little darlings half eaten sandwich from 2 days ago.

Are you sensative to sound? I am. I hope you like the sound of Cocomelon. Youtube very helpfully provides some two or four hour videos because once you stsrt, you just can't stop. Literally.

I tried to explain to her mother that the beautious sounds of Cocomelon might not sound nice to some people and she just says "what are you talking about, it sounds fine".

I also suggested that we shouldn't contribute another member to the growing generation of iPad kids. That advice fell on deaf ears.

I hope your partner is more supportive than mine is. You'll need it.

There is a stickie thread at the top of the board for parents who are on the spectrum. I think the thread has gotten stale, but the issues they discussed have not. The sensory issues can be a very dominant issue, and I think some coping strategies were discussed in that thread. Worth a read if you haven't gone through it yet.

Hi raining.

I can relate very much. I'm autistic and my kids are too. I've been a single parent since they were babies and they're now adults but still dependent and living in my home nearly 30 years later. It's been a huge challenge when all our autistic needs clash, or need to be accommodated differently. Even when we're in sync which is rare, it's a lot for me to manage on my own. On top of that my son's GF lives here most of the time and she's undx ASD. Then there's my adopted son (also an adult) who's not ASD, but he has severe ADHD and ODD. I don't have any family to help since my mother is in her 80s and has cancer. Heck, she's likely ASD too and has a small window of tolerance for change to her routines.

Don't get me wrong I love my kids to death and I don't regret a minute of it, but it's been very taxing at times as you well know. I'm referring back to everything from working out of the home as an autistic parent, managing burnouts and meltdowns (theirs and mine), meeting their school friends and their parents , meeting their dating partners, and guiding all the trials of growing up, not to mention the expense once I went on disability. I made a thread about it in Parenting, but it's called Single Parenting. That might not be quite what you'e looking for, but there's a good discussion about autistic parents' struggles in general.

Personally, I find it frustrating that there's not more discussion in autism media about autistic parents and their needs. There's even less info for autistic parents like myself with overaged, autistic dependents. I'm sure having neurotypical kids would be challenging too, for different reasons. That might push me out of my comfort zone even further.

Do you know if your little daughter is autistic or is she still too young to know?

In the meantime I'm glad you've raised this important topic.
You are not alone!

Thank you for your response IsabellaLinton

It’s still too early to tell if my daughter is ASD - she passes all her basic exams at the doctors office but she screams and cries 24/7 and shakes her hands out of frustration. My wife and I are suspicious that this could be early signs of ASD but we are very hesitant to label anything without proper testing.

Hugs to you and your wife.
May I ask how old your daughter is?

My firstborn was always very intense.
He seemed like an adult from the day he was born.
I didn't know any better if it was normal or not.

When he was three I took him to a child psychologist.
That was in the 90s when Aspergers was first a thing.
I wish I had a copy of the report.

I remember someone referring him to an autism place too.
I have mixed memories whether I took him or not.
I know he wasn't diagnosed, so chances are I didn't go.

Could you wear earplugs or NC headphones when she cries?
Have medical factors been ruled out, like colic?

This Thursday, two autistic fathers will be hosting a text chat for autistic parents. Please join us for support and discussion: New Online Chat Group For Autistic Parents

I'm sorry for your struggles.
Children are as diffcult as they are wonderful.
Once a teacher asked me if I loved my son. I said yes, of course. In her view, I did not appear to love my child in the way that she thought it should look.
I devoted myself to raising my children and worked very hard to create a good life for them. I was nowhere near a perfect parent. I excelled in some areas and fell short in others. Try to look for what you can do to help your wife - maybe there is a way you can make her life easier to show your love for her and your baby. You can't change who you are but she married you because she loved you, not some super hero. Your strengths will show themselves, keep trying to find a way to connect to your baby even if you need help with some stuff right now. You may be the awesomest Dad to her in other ways as she grows, and they do that amazingly fast.
You may never be able to endure the crying but the crying gets less and less. Just look around at the babies you see in passing. One way that could reduce crying is to try to stay on top of your baby's needs if at all possible. Having children is one of the biggest adjustments in your life because, unlike another reasonable, communicationg adult, this little person has no way to express themselves except crying. Before you know it they will be asking you why the sky is blue and why the police man turned their lights on and all the stuff, and you'll be ready.