A very specific and particular trigger...

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I'm an OK tech. I dabbled every now and then as a teenager.
To a point that I took computer science courses at college.

Nothing stellar or special. Just someone with OK enough grasp with tech.
... I'd willfully help anyone who struggles with it and do the best I can. I'd be patient, I'd even show it off.

And if I don't know much, I'd willfully learn more and be humble.

However...

Not with my mom.
Never with my mom.

Whenever my mom specifically asked me for help when it came to technology and anything to do with computers -- I'd just be very pissed off in an instant.

And barely tolerate it all. It's even worse when the request happens out of the blue.
Just not wanting to do with whatever she asked of me.

I can help even the people I hate with this particular area. I can even struck through the elderly with zero experience with modern tech for hours...

But never with my mom. As soon as she asks, it's like as if I burnt out. Like I want to get away from it.

If there's any incomplete info, I'd end up with an urge to be violent.
It's as if I have no patience over her when it came to this.

It's not like I have an expectation over her comprehending or be good at tech -- she's just like any 50+ year old who likes to spend time in social media.

It's not like she's being obtuse or obnoxious anytime she asks for help.

And yet...
Getting pissed over only related to this -- I can help her out, with the same patience and willfulness outside technology.


I can make or do something for her and spend weeks over it happily -- yet I cannot even with a simple typing job of filling up basic forms electronically without having an urge to either walk out or yell?

It's not an every day thing.
And it's not like there was a time when I spent several days or a moment when I vowed 'never again'.

So why?
Why so absurdly specific?


Was it because of my worst years?
It was during those years, it was the internet and the time on the computer -- it was very thing we fought over.

As a teenager, during those years -- I spent over 20+ hours on the PC playing online games.

... While she insists on her own online friends. I won't say much except that she had online friends from varying chat rooms.

And I don't like it. I don't like that she stole my time on the PC.
And as someone who is not very tech savvy, of course she's careless about it -- meaning potential viruses and hackers.

Maybe it's this?
Was it because, somewhere inside me says 'you brought this to yourself and I'm not letting you out of it, ever'?

I tried to see something -- really, how stressed she is, how worried she was then, etc. Or that she just wants time with her friends... All that her wanting a time in the internet crap.

Whatever, I did understand all that.

And all that was over 13+ years ago.
We don't fight over who has more time and space over the internet anymore. We all have our own thing.


But no.
Whenever she asks of me anything related to technology, I'd just be irrationally pissed off for no real reason -- if anything else, nothing to do with the present.

Urgency be damned, priorities be damned, the relationship be damned.

It didn't mattered if the situation says it's life and death -- as long as it's specifically her asking me about computer and technology...

And I don't fricking know why. And why can't I just get over it.
That's it and that's all.


This is why I hate emotions.
This is why I hate the human subconscious.

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