Post a Toxic Dating Profile

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Just for the sake of fun.

Make it as despicable as you can.

No, you can't get me to post my dating profile here.

I posted my dating profile elsewhere, but I’ll repost it here with a couple of minor tweaks to reflect current interests. One person’s toxic is another person’s sexy/endearing.

Age: 39
Gender: F
Gender Looking For (orientation): I’m open.
Type of Relationship Looking For: Very open.
Smoker or non: Either, but if you’ve got the good stuff, share it with me.

Diagnosis if Relevant: Autism Level 1/AS, CPTSD, PTSD, GAD, MDD, SEXY.

Suspected: ASPD (antisocial personality disorder), I hope that’s not a problem.

Basic Location: Pennsylvania - like Transylvania but without the vampires, to the best of my knowledge

Any Important Info (Any strong religious or political views / dealbreakers): I’m God. Any potential partner(s) must support my quest to become Supreme Leader. The world has not had enough female dictators. I’m hoping to rectify that.

Relationship History (First Timer, Divorced, Children, etc.): I have one son who was conceived through immaculate conception. Few men have engaged in coitus with me and lived to tell about it. My sexual prowess knows no bounds though. Those who survived found the risk worth it.

Living Arrangement (If relevant): I live in a castle on a secluded mountain.

Education: I have a BA in English and am a thesis short of an MA in the same topic. I’m strongly opposed to practical pursuits, outside of studying and perfecting the art of mind control.

Hobbies / Special Interests: Reading, playing the piano, studying languages, playing video games, and world domination.

Fave Movies: Star Wars franchise, Lord of the Rings trilogy, and all things Alfred HitchCOCK
Favorite Games: Zelda games, mind games
Favorite Social Media: Wrongplanet. Occasionally, I like to argue with people on Reddit.

Best qualities: sociopathy, high-intelligence, unrestrained sexuality, creative, talented, imaginative, passionate, ambitious, ambidextrous

Less-desirable qualities: N/A (TwilightPrincess does not have undesirable qualities.)

Name 3-5 of your favourite music bands:
*NSYNC
The Beach Boys
The Village People

Ideal date activity: Fun time in the castle dungeon after a moonlit stroll through the castle cemetery.

Write a blurb about yourself like an Intro: If you’re seeking a badass woman, look no further. There’s never a dull moment when I’m around. My insatiable lust for adventure, knowledge, and power makes me the ideal candidate for anyone eager and willing to take the passenger’s seat. Don’t let that intimidate you! I’m just a normal gal who loves dancing naked under the light of a full moon and cuddles in the heat of a funeral pyre.

Age: Mentally 13-14
Gender: F but also NB
Gender Looking For: Dudes but I already have one (or two) (shhhh...) and some unicorns
Type of Relationship Looking For: Codependent and / or soulmatish
Smoker or non: I'm smokin' hot

Diagnosis if Relevant: Compulsive Posting Disorder (CPD), ASD2, ADHD-C, CPTSD, PTSD, GAD, MDD, Chronic Fatigue, Acquired Brain Injuries, Sleep Disorders, Sensory Processing Disorder, Synaesthesia, Face Blindness (I can't tell you from a tree stump), Crazy Cat Womanhood (CCW), Stubborn As s**t Syndrome (SASS), and Sloth.

Suspected? Usually

Basic Location: At hospitals, vets, dark cemeteries, or the occasional psychiatrist psychic.

Any Important Info (Any strong religious or political views / dealbreakers?):
Yeah, don't F with me and we'll be good.

Relationship History (First Timer, Divorced, Children, etc.): Three gay partners who abused me, and a good man who will screen your replies. Mother to my brother's son and a few others. (No I'm not Phoebe Buffay.)

I've also been known to have people incarcerated.

Living Arrangement (If relevant): I live between the homes / countries of my various minions.

Education: Not required, so long as you can rub my lower back.

Hobbies / Special Interests: Sniffing people, distancing, changing my mind, pillows.

Fave Movies: The Big Chill where Harold does Meg.

Favorite Games: Strip Scrabble, mind games, pinwheels.

Favorite Social Media: YouTube, shouting song lyrics out car windows, music.

Best qualities: See Adult.

Less-desirable qualities: I throw things and scream obscenities when I'm crossed.

Name 3-5 of your favourite bands:
Hair bands
Head bands
Rubber bands
Band-Aids


Ideal date activity: Sleeping


Write a blurb about yourself like an Intro: Please help me.

Here’s a profile I used in a past life:

I’m a single mom of 13 children. We lost their father tragically last year when he had a heart attack at his third job. I’m looking for an upstanding Christian man who’ll be the spiritual head of the family - leading us in daily Bible study, prayer, and hymn-singing. I’m 39 years old. Don’t worry! I have a lot of fertile years left.

Missionary is for married couples who are missionaries at heart if you know what I mean.

A strong work ethic and sound constitution are obligatory. He also must be mindful of my porcelain doll collection.

Show Spoiler

Age: 38
Gender: female
Gender Looking For (Orientation): No one
Type of Relationship Looking For: (Longterm, etc.) Not looking
Smoker or Non: Smoking? Blegh
Diagnosis if Relevant: ASD, Asperger's to be exact

Basic location or Time Zone (Do not give specific address): Pacific Northwest

Important Info (Any strong religious or political views / dealbreakers):

I am very woke, I do not like Trump lovers or their minions and I hate right wing stuff. I am also very ableist towards abusers with mental illnesses because I do not tolerate any abuse, period. I do not tolerate manipulation and gaslighting either and I do not care if this is part of your illness, same as if you lack empathy. if you are cold hearted and disregard my feelings because you have ASPD, or NPD or BPD, I am not a safe person for you. I am also not into religion and will not follow a religion nor go to church. I also do not want it pushed onto me. If you have violent meltdowns where you smash items and hit people, even me, I will not tolerate it and will break up with you.

Relationship History (First Timer, Divorced, Children, etc.): Two crazy ex's, they both behaved like psychopaths because one of them used me as a meal ticket and as a sex object and the other was just mean.

Living Arrangement (If relevant):

I live with my husband and kids and sometimes my parents.

Education: high school

Hobbies / Special Interests: Very boring, I watch too much youtube and play too much Disney magic Kingdoms game


Best qualities: None. I am giftless and skilless

^^

Just to clarify I'm not really looking for anyone but I wanted to sound toxic.
Also, I only throw things when I'm having a meltdown alone.
It's rare, like maybe twice a year.
Non-throwing meltdowns are much more common.

The last item I sacrificed was frozen Pad Thai, whipped at the wall.

Tinder bio:

"Warning: I come with a 'toxic' label, handle with care!

Biohazard Level: Expert
Occupation: Professional troublemaker
Interests: Causing chaos, spreading sarcasm, and indulging in unhealthy snacks.
Special Skills: Master of backhanded compliments, fluent in sarcasm, and can ruin a good mood in seconds.
Looking for: Someone who enjoys walking on the wild side, isn't afraid to trade witty banter, and can handle my dangerously charming personality.

Disclaimer: Side effects may include excessive eye-rolling, uncontrollable laughter, and occasional facepalming. Approach with caution, but don't say I didn't warn you"

Age: 44
Gender: M
Gender Looking For (orientation): F
Type of Relationship Looking For: Long term family building
Smoker or non: Non-smoker. I don't want my clothes smelling of smoke, that'll raise questions.

Diagnosis if Relevant: Like my tattoo says, "Only God Can Judge Me".

Suspected: By whom? There isn't anyone else. What are you talking about? If you're a suspicious type who needs to know where I am all the time, move along.

Basic Location: South of England

Any Important Info (Any strong religious or political views / dealbreakers): I'm an atheist. What tattoo? Oh that one, yeah ignore that one. My work takes me away from home a lot. About 50% of the time, give or take. That'll include nights quite often. I can't talk about what my work is though, so don't ask. I may miss a few of the kids birthdays. And yours, possibly. I'll make it up to everyone, promise.

Relationship History (First Timer, Divorced, Children, etc.): I've been badly treated by every woman I've loved. I'm just looking for someone who will love me for me and not ask too many questions about where I was and why I wasn't answering my phone. I certainly don't have a wife or kids. Don't ever ask me that again.

Living Arrangement (If relevant): I'll set you up with a nice house that'll be big enough for you and the kids, and me when I'm there.

Education: Got all my GCSEs at the school of hard knocks and graduated from the university of life.

Hobbies / Special Interests: I collect phones. If you find one in my pocket that you don't recognise, that's why. I also make fake ID as a hobby. Just to see how realistic I can make them, of course. So if you find a wallet with a driving license that says "Derek Prentice" but it's my photo on it, that's why. It's just a hobby.

Fave Movies: Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, The Other Woman, The Family Man
Favorite Games: Double Trouble, Duality, Other Life
Favorite Social Media: You don't need to be my friend online, you get to have me in real life, babe.

Best qualities: I'm very good at keeping secrets and when I'm with you I'm not thinking about anyone else. I don't need you to be interested in every little thing I do and ask me questions about my day when I get in, so don't worry your pretty little head about that. I often won't even be hungry when I get in because I'll already have eaten.

Less-desirable qualities: I might sometimes call you Sandra by mistake. Unless you're actual name is Sandra, of course. Actually that'd be really good if your name was Sandra. That'd make things much easier.

Ideal date activity: Anywhere except the gastropub in town because there's this woman who works there who's sort of obsessed with me and stalks me and says all sorts of weird stuff to people, like she tells them she's my wife. But she's mental, you don't have to worry about her. Oh and we can't go bowling because her loser brother practically lives there. And her best friend works at the day spa. Actually, it's probably better if we just get take out and eat in the car and you can crouch behind the seats while I'm in the place getting the food. That's okay, isn't it?

AdultFriendFinder bio:

"Warning: I come with a 'toxic' label, handle with care!

Name: Dennis
Biohazard Level: Expert
Occupation: Professional Foot Model
Interests: Road raging in Mario Kart 64, lightsaber battles, crushing on Daisy Ridley, and indulging in as many prunes as my digestive system can handle. Hint: it’s a lot!
Special Skills: Master at stirring up controversy with questionable topics/content, telling jokes at the most inopportune times, and giving informed advice on how to upload videos on OnlyFans.
Looking for: OO. Also, someone who shares my nerdy interests, has a high midi-chlorian count, likes to joke around, and who can take my incessant teasing without getting all bent out of shape.

Disclaimer: Side effects may include high blood pressure, giggling, head shaking, and occasional bewilderment. Approach with caution, but don't say I didn’t warn you.”

I’m a 32 year old woman in search of Mr. Right. I‘m a firm believer in old-fashioned relationships - relationships in which the man is the head of the house and the woman is the humble and submissive helpmeet. I’m the humblest person I know. No one is humbler than I am. Even when you are dead wrong or say something incredibly stupid, I’ll pause, if need be, and humbly respond: “Yes, dear. I'm sure you know best."

Anyway, all that I ask in return is that you study the Watchtower with an elder in my church and convert. You’ll get me AND everlasting life - everlasting life with me. Win-win-win. Just imagine: an eternity of humble, carefully worded “yes, dears” and “whatever you say, my loves.”

You must go through the baptism process, attend church Sunday mornings and Tuesday nights, preach Saturday mornings, and lead family worship one night a week. Reaching out for responsibilities in church is preferred but not required. Also, I have a Bible-trained conscience when it comes to sex. We can talk about that more once we are engaged. I'm sure you won't mind following God's plan because it's the best life ever!

I want to do life with someone in a 50/50 way

I think the "open" stuff is inherently toxic. So that's an easy winner.

Recreational drug use is a solid runner up as well.