stuck in a rut

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nobody destroyed my "life".

*I* destroyed my "life".

2006 civil engineer, mister "r", san diego, had the nerve to tell me that "it is lying for you to ask me to call you 'he' instead of 'she' ". that statement is wrong. however, everyone has "freedom of speech", but not everyone is having sex with the boss. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission, not until 2012, and only applies to the workplace. mister r was not @ work when he told me that, and he told me that before 2012. he was "doing his best" and being "true to himself". he did *not* "discriminate" against me.

Old Man and Old Woman, now dead, did not destroy my "life". yes, they were not perfect. yes, they had the nerve to blame me for my autism symptoms (facial expressions and et cetera), and laugh at me. however, that was "freedom of speech". they were not required to "prove" every statement they made, before they made it. yes, "failure to attend to special education need" is a Child Protective Services violation. but whatever. that is knitpicking. the definition of "autism" has changed since my worthless corpse was born in 1983.

Old Man and Old Woman wasted over $100,000 sending my worthless corpse to UCSD for six years. it is not their fault that I flunked out of structural engineering. besides, i did not have to pay one single cent of my college tuition. it is true that intelligence is genetic, and Old Man and Old Woman did not appear to me to have particularly high academic IQ scores, but neither do I. They were doing their "best", and they told me that I should not have been "mad" @ them b/c of that. However, maybe I did my "best" @ structural engineering, and that did not prevent academic dismissal. Anything could be anyone's "best". Your "best" depends on many factors. Some of the factors constantly changing, can't be measured objectively, nobody can control, or that particular person cannot control. For all I know, maybe "everyone" is constantly doing their "best". You can't measure your "best", and every situation is different. So what the flying f**k ever, s**t.

Plenty of people have barriers to employment: felony convictions, diseases/disabilities, undocumented immigrants. Plenty of them earn enough for cars and children and rent.

It is *my* fault, nobody else's, that my worthless corpse has to work at f*****g *Home Depot* as a Lot Lizard. Working in the same parking lot that numerous day laborers have the nerve to loiter in, every day, all day long. Rain, thunder, lightning, hail. No other company will hire my worthless corpse. Plenty of companies had the nerve to make my worthless corpse redundant, and I was unemployed for plenty of years. The longest I have ever had a job: three and a half years and counting (current dumpster fire "job"). 41 years old. Unstable work history. Even McDonald's and Burger King and other fast food restaurants had the nerve to reject my worthless corpse.

It's a minimum wage, part time job. Lately, according to some websites, Home Depot has been cutting hours for part time associates. Cost of living has been skyrocketing, out of proportion to minimum wage. I am totally ashamed that I was/am financially dependent on my Old Man, Old Woman, and sister. Good thing my sister earns enough $$$ to financially support my worthless corpse, and good thing she has not, thus far, sold the house. Then my worthless corpse would be homeless. s**t.

Pretty soon I won't be physically strong and healthy enough to be Lot Lizard. Heavy lifting. Since 2021, have had a work accommodation, doctor's note. Not allowed to lift over fifty pounds. Been rapidly getting physically weaker. 50 pounds is a lot. 41 years old, 110#. Been on testosterone to transition to male, 24-26 and 36-now. Customers (and associates), often assume i am cisgender male, and expect me to be able to lift a lot more. Then when I tell them it's too heavy, they bark @ me. ("I don't care about the doctor's note. Put it in the car." "You can't lift that?". "Are you helping me or am I helping you?". "I am not a slave") (rolls eyes). When I go around begging precious lil "people" to please load something for me, they often refuse. They say they are busy, on break, or injured. I do not have the "right" to verify any of those statements. The training videos say that all associates are required to help with loading, but there is no "way" for me to enforce that. Besides, plenty of associates have felony convictions, psychiatric diagnoses, sex with the boss, drug addictions, gang affiliations. My worthless corpse: literally afraid of them, s**t.

Almost get hit by a car a couple times a day. (inherent risk of "job"). Tripping over rocks in the parking lot. Day laborers have the nerve to scream "Chino!" @ me. (as though *they* belong @ home depot and *i* do not, s**t!). A disproportionate number of the customers act like wild animals. Rude, reckless drivers, lazy, entitled, impatient, don't speak English. The worst of the worst.

Government benefits not guaranteed, sufficient or permanent. Only option: panhandling. s**t.

I thought you were a lot attendant.
A lot lizard is a prostitute who works at a truck stop.

A lot of issues you've described over the years seem ultimately to be driven by fear. Fear of trying anything new, fear of wasting more time/effort, fear of injury, fear that all the people around you are all dangerous and cruel for no reason at all, etc. Even the unfair judgments that many people have criticized are fear-driven, with an ego saving facade added.

Fear keeps you from self-advocating, from attempting new things and from involving yourself in anything with potential risks.

I don't have any concrete advice, but I can't imagine it's very fulfilling to live your life trapped inside a prison made of fears that have mostly been exaggerated well-beyond what's reasonable.