Relationship with an aromantic asexual man?

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I've recently started talking to a man my age (27) on a dating app and although I am comfortable with him, I feel quite overwhelmed. We have a lot of conversations about various topics and we send each other long messages daily. I rarely come across people I can connect with so well and I really value it. He seems to feel the same, at least that's what he told me.

Being autistic, I struggle with finding suitable ways of showing interest in a person. I would like to meet him in person and spend some time together. I am asexual myself, which means I do not experience sexual attraction (actually, to be exact, asexuality is a spectrum: some asexual people do feel sexual attraction to a certain degree or under specific circumstances, but I don't). While it is good that we both are asexual, there is another complication. He is aromantic which means he does not experience romantic attraction in common ways. He signed up on a dating website, so I think he is interested in a relationship, but I do not know what it would look like and I feel it is a bit too direct to ask him about it. Maybe he will get upset then and will worry that I expect something from him that he is not comfortable with. I know it is a question only he can answer, but I am really conflicted about how to approach him and about how to bring up the topic. I thought regular relationships and getting into those is difficult, but this is a whole other level. I would be grateful to hear some advice. How can I tell him that I am interested in him? Is he already aware that I am interested, maybe? Does it need to be hinted or mentioned or do long conversations about our interests suffice?

OoooOOOO! Sounds like you found a good friend at the very least! ʕ ﹷ ᴥ ﹷʔ

You are right in that those questions are definitely for him to answer.

You could possibly hint at your feelings, but knowing autism he may not pick up on it. If he picks up your hints maybe you could open up the conversation with some of your questions? It's scary to be vulnerable and tell someone your feelings for them, but you never know how he will respond until you do it! If he's not receptive to a relationship then you at least know where you stand. These are all good conversations to have before pursuing something further. Try to take your time and make sure you're comfy and prepared before approaching these topics!

I hope that you guys are able to come to a consensus that works for the both of you! Good luck! ʕ ́ᵔᴥᵔ ̀ʔっ

I find it very odd that someone claiming to be both aromantic & asexual would be using a dating site. Is it a dating site for asexuals, a friendship site for people who are aromantic, or a site for dating as well as friendships? Either case as MTP mentioned if he's autistic you may have to be extremely direct with him. Considering the site you met him on was for dating he should be receptive to direct discussion about that possibility.

Since what he is looking for is not clear, I would recommend not rushing to tell him your feelings. It may become awkward or painful if it turns out you are looking for different things.

I would instead recommend asking him open ended questions that don’t involve you directly. For example “What motivated you to join this website?”, “Are you looking for a relationship? If so, What would your ideal relationship look like ?”

If he’s keen to get to know you more, I think he’ll be keen to answer these questions. If he seems reluctant to say much then it would be a good idea to take things slow for now and just enjoy chatting.

so is he content with having a sexless relationship or not?

Aren't you all running a bit too much? 1st time meeting in person, get to know him. I wouldn't like to be assaulted with very intimate, personal questions the very 1st day. Take it easy and well the obvious, if he tries to go sexual, you know something is off. If he does not do anything out of the expected and you are comfortable, know him and when there just a little confidence, fire your questions.

I get why you want answers and quickly, and yes, if he gets to know you, what you pick up and what you don't it is easier to lie and not get caught but still the 1st day comes a bit violent to me. Anyway, just an opinion.

The only way I know is observe the person, note what they like or need, make it yourself for them, and present them with that thing you made. At least for me unexpected acts of affectionate kindness is what triggers me to "imprint" on someone.

Recently I posted a dream here:
https://wrongplanet.net/forums/viewtopic.php?t=415247&p=9518011#p9517883
That act of the young lady buying me the weighted blanket was an example of that unexpected act affectionate care is what caused ASMR and an instant of happiness, and appreciation for her.

And example from real life:
A girl here mentioned that she liked paper flowers, in the context of Valentine's Day, spoken in a nostalgic way. I was into origami when I was younger, so it was an opportunity for me to revisit a forgotten pastime. I learned and folded her a rose, took a picture of it and presented it to her here.

What's interesting there is that at the time I had no specific intentions toward her, it was just a random nice thing that was in my powers to do for somone. A few months later in real life I took a knee and asked her to marry me. She said "yes".

Last edited by Cornflake on 16 Jun 2024, 6:10 am, edited 1 time in total.: Redacted off-topic drama occurring on another site