"You Let Yourself Go...Like Really Badly Let Yourself Go"

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Does anyone have any encouraging words for a trash panda in mental distress about her body? I feel like I have been fighting battles in my head. Some days are worse than others (today is a low day, which I will credit to being the week I start my menstrual cycle).


Context:

I have been healing from a family trip at the end of May with my mom, dad, and brother. This trip has really damaged my self-esteem (as it usually does when I spend more than an hour or so with my parents). This trip in particular has been incredibly hard for me to recover from.

I used to be 120-130lbs sopping wet when I was a teenager. When I moved out at 20, I gained a lot of weight in the span of four years. I am working out at the gym (once or twice a week), I stand at my desk for almost half the work day, and am trying to heal my relationship with food. My goal isn't to lose weight, but to become more confident in myself, feel more healthy, and build my stamina.

My dad said some really hurtful things to me on this most recent trip in May. He told me that him and my mom talk all the time about how they are going to outlive their children, they have tried to be accepting of all my "mental health stuff," but this (referring to me and my weight) is too much. He said I let myself go...like really badly let myself go. These words have been haunting me since the trip. ʕ ´•̥̥̥ ᴥ•̥̥̥`ʔ

Today we are going to work-out together with my brother after I get off work. I am feeling incredibly down and emotionally low right now. I keep replaying his words over and over again. I let myself go, I really let myself go. My sad brain says it feels useless and hopeless to go to the gym today--it's not enough to reverse the damage I have done to my body.

How does that even work?

You're not even 30 yet to start worrying about having a hard time with physical fitness.

And even when one is past those ages, doesn't mean one will miss the boat (unless you're seriously chronically physically ill somewhere and it's untreated) and just never start and maintain any exercise and diet.


In matters around exercise and diet -- to many people, attaining said physical fitness is a part of one's lifestyle, not some mere activity.

And at many cases, lifestyle changes can go on for years.
Some grew that as a real habit that can require no motivation whatsoever, others would always need willpower and bravery to get through them.


As for the relationship around food -- if it's for comfort, what would you replace that with?

If it's just pickiness and just not eating healthier options -- that's just a case of 'acquire this taste'.



As for letting it go??

That depends.
The interpretation can range from get over yourself and accept that you'll be the way you are (and your head will generate whatever judgment it could come up) -- or ease up a little by not rushing or beating yourself over it and don't stress out so much that you'll bury yourself with your mind.

Emotional processing is a fricking nuisance.

Translating something so abstract and internal it into actionable words and concept can easily grate it really wrongly, especially with self esteem issues and mental health related issues.

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