I don't even have a reasontolive anymore...

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I've never been married and never have children. I have no family. I have only one real friend, but even she is always busy with taking care of her child or her job and rarely has any free time to spend with me.

Now I'm over 40. Everyone else has kids that are already in college by my age. I'm not even attracted to women my age anymore. I did not get to experience growing older with someone I had an a connection with. I have nothing in common with a woman who has already been through marriage and divorce and has been experiencing the life of a parent for half of her life. But I'm not interested in being some weirdo pervert chasing after college aged girls whose parents are my age. Besides, things don't even work anymore. I even tried Viagra and the only effect it had was to make my face feel hot.

But what if I imagine that I was successful at the social game; what then? Just be another link of the never-ending meaningless cycle of surviving long enough to reproduce and then die, just so my children and grandchildren and their children and grandchildren can continue the same cycle as well? What does this self-perpetuating hamster wheel of biological programming achieve in the grand scheme of the universe?

But people tell me that I should appreciate all the FREEDOM(tm) that I must have from being untied and unresponsible for anyone else. I can do anything I want! Travel the world! Except I can't do any of that because, as it turns out, that costs a lot of money which I lack. I have to bust my back day in and day just to make the bare minimum to barely make it from one paycheck to the next. During the school year, I was so burnt out that I had no energy to do anything but lay in bed when I wasn't working. I even have games on my PC and stcks of comics to read, but I just never feel like doing anything anymore.

I hate this place and have been desperate to get away for the past two decades of my life. But I am forever trapped in the Bible Belt. My roommate is moving to Colorado for a new job, and she offered me to go along with her. But I quickly realized I had no job prospects. Getting a teaching license in Colorado boils down to paying out of pocket to go back to college which is not something I can afford. Even when I moved to Ohio in 2015,I ended up unemployed and homeless and forced to come back to Oklahoma.

So what is the point of any of this? Why even bother anymore?

its a lot to sort. First off, are you doing self care and getting the rest and nutrition you need? Emotional resources are low when you are tired or hungry, emotionally exhausted, etc. There are so many ways to live! there are not "shoulds" "ought to", that need to apply to you. When you use those words or hear them from others, you are hearing their agenda and their intentions, their ideas of what THEY think is right for you. It is not necessarily so. Society and all the media, ads, etc bombard us with false ideas about our looks, our work, our performance, our jobs, our families and friends and loads of other hooey that doesn't really have to apply to us. It is difficult to let go of the feeling of being pressured and judged by others who all your life have said "this is the way its supposed to be" but in truth, there is no rule about any of that. It is all something made up by others to control you or make you do things in certain ways. You get to choose what is right for you. When you hear "supposed to" "ought to" "should" let it be a warning to you that somebody else wants something from you and wants it to be done their way. There are thousands of ways to do life. Expectations of others can be pressuring /demanding/shaming/blaming- but they are just one person's idea of "what to do and how to do it". Except for laws of the land which must not be broken due to public safety (no murdering or assaulting people, no stealing, etc) you can pretty much take your own path. You might want to talk it over with an outsider such as life coach, social worker or therapist, who can help you find new tools to use to live a better life and to help give input and ideas, suggestions and information that could help you find your way. I had to get outside help because my rigid autistic thinking did not let me understand there were a thousand ways to respond to almost any situation, not just the one rigid way I had been taught in the sick family dynamics during the time I was growing up. Cheering you on. I think if I could do it, almost anybody could. Keep reaching out until you find something that works, and /or somebody who can help. You don't have to do this alone, there is no shame in looking for answers and finding alternative ways to do life.