Am I illiterate? Or is hardly anyone into me?

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SkinnyElephant
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03 Jul 2024, 8:58 am

For the longest time, I had the following theory to explain my bad luck with dating/intercourse: As a result of being on the spectrum, I'm basically illiterate at reading a woman's clues of interest. As a result, I've missed all sorts of opportunities (Because I failed to pick up on her interest in the first place. So I never made a move).

That being said, there's a college girl I chat with on another website (purely platonic). The college girl said something that turned my theory upside down. Here's what the college girl said: When a woman is into a man, she'll make herself extremely obvious (to the point where even a guy on the spectrum could pick up on it). She said if I rarely notice any interest from the ladies, it's not that I fail to pick up on the clues; it's that hardly anyone is into me.

Who's theory is more likely to be right? Mine? Or the college girl's?



ChicagoLiz
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03 Jul 2024, 7:05 pm

She's a woman telling you how women have a tendency to think and act. You're discounting her advice, which you asked for, despite not having a better explanation yourself.

Don't let her know that you don't respect her enough to listen to her advice. In fact, ask if she has further help to give. For example, is there anything you could improve upon that would help increase the likelihood that some women might be interested to go on a date with you? She can be a resource for you, if you let her.


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SkinnyElephant
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03 Jul 2024, 7:32 pm

ChicagoLiz wrote:
She's a woman telling you how women have a tendency to think and act. You're discounting her advice, which you asked for, despite not having a better explanation yourself.

Don't let her know that you don't respect her enough to listen to her advice. In fact, ask if she has further help to give. For example, is there anything you could improve upon that would help increase the likelihood that some women might be interested to go on a date with you? She can be a resource for you, if you let her.


I never said I discounted her advice. I said she turned my theory upside down (in other words, I'm starting to doubt whether my theory was ever right)



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04 Jul 2024, 10:40 am

It could be both scenarios. Perhaps how obvious women tend to be about like a guy is related to how much the women like him. Like a woman would be extremely obvious when she's majorly infatuated or obsessed but if she only has a slight crush she'll hint around hoping he'll make the first direct move.

Two of my girlfriends were extremely direct about liking me but they were not really NT. Me & my first were best friends & my current became obsessed after reading a bit of my posts & PMed me.


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ChicagoLiz
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04 Jul 2024, 12:04 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
I never said I discounted her advice. I said she turned my theory upside down (in other words, I'm starting to doubt whether my theory was ever right)


Thanks for the clarification!

I agree with nick007, that's it's probably a bit of both. Being autistic means being clueless about people's intentions a lot of the time, without a doubt, but if you're not seeing any romantic indication ever, then the women you are interacting with aren't interested in you in that way. That's when experimenting can help: change where you go or what you do, and see if you can find people (including women) you click with better, and also ask your friend if there's one or two things you could change that would keep you true to yourself but show you in a better light to potential dates.


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funeralxempire
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04 Jul 2024, 12:20 pm

I think she's partially wrong, because she's unfamiliar with just how blind people with ASD can be to interest.

I remember a coworker repeatedly telling me a girl was into me, I always dismissed the possibility until the girl stuffed something in my pocket and told me not to look until I got home.

I did as she said literally (partially because I had forgotten within a few minutes...).

She had taken her underwear off in the bathroom and put them in my pocket.

Lisa was right. Crystal was into me after all.

Most women aren't nearly as uninhibited as Crystal. They might be obvious, but never crystal-clear.

In hindsight Crystal might be one of us. At least one of her kids is. :nerdy:


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04 Jul 2024, 12:35 pm

I’m a woman (on the spectrum) and if I like someone I will be awkward and aloof around them.

They probably cant tell I like them because I am generally a bit awkward and aloof anyway!

So I definitely don’t think this rule applies to all women, they won’t all make it obvious.



SkinnyElephant
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04 Jul 2024, 12:45 pm

nick007 wrote:
It could be both scenarios. Perhaps how obvious women tend to be about like a guy is related to how much the women like him. Like a woman would be extremely obvious when she's majorly infatuated or obsessed but if she only has a slight crush she'll hint around hoping he'll make the first direct move.

Two of my girlfriends were extremely direct about liking me but they were not really NT. Me & my first were best friends & my current became obsessed after reading a bit of my posts & PMed me.


Yeah, I've read dating advice online that suggested the opposite of what the college girl told me.

I've read dating advice that said sometimes a woman thinks she's being obvious, yet the man thinks she's "only being nice." So he never makes a move (Which makes the woman think he isn't interested...when really, she just isn't being obvious enough. Supposedly, even neurotypical men are prone to struggling with reading a woman's clues of interest)



funeralxempire
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04 Jul 2024, 12:48 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
I've read dating advice that said sometimes a woman thinks she's being obvious, yet the man thinks she's "only being nice." So he never makes a move (Which makes the woman think he isn't interested...when really, she just isn't being obvious enough. Supposedly, even neurotypical men are prone to struggling with reading a woman's clues of interest)


Not a woman, but I've noticed when trying that approach I can be as subtle as a sledgehammer and still not have it noticed as interest.


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SkinnyElephant
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04 Jul 2024, 12:52 pm

ChicagoLiz wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
I never said I discounted her advice. I said she turned my theory upside down (in other words, I'm starting to doubt whether my theory was ever right)


Thanks for the clarification!

I agree with nick007, that's it's probably a bit of both. Being autistic means being clueless about people's intentions a lot of the time, without a doubt, but if you're not seeing any romantic indication ever, then the women you are interacting with aren't interested in you in that way. That's when experimenting can help: change where you go or what you do, and see if you can find people (including women) you click with better, and also ask your friend if there's one or two things you could change that would keep you true to yourself but show you in a better light to potential dates.


Here's one problem I have (and as I mentioned on my last post, apparently even neurotypical men struggle with this to some degree): It's practically impossible for me to tell the difference between a woman being into me vs a woman who's "only being nice."

There are some women I think might be into me. But I also think it's possible they're "only being nice" (And I've already humiliated myself enough in the past with mistaking niceness for interest. I don't want to risk going down that road again).

In other words, I guess what I'm trying to say is: How am I supposed to act on a woman's clues when I'm incapable of telling whether she's into me or whether she's "only being nice"?

As for asking the college girl I chat with to give me pointers on how to paint myself in a better light to the ladies, I guess it couldn't hurt to ask. Her general comments on the topic up until now, however, have mainly been "Being on the spectrum means hardly woman will ever be into you. You should simply learn to live with this fact"



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04 Jul 2024, 12:53 pm

LittleBeach wrote:
I’m a woman (on the spectrum) and if I like someone I will be awkward and aloof around them.

They probably cant tell I like them because I am generally a bit awkward and aloof anyway!

I think that’s how I typically am. I’m usually very shy which complicates things too. I don’t think I’ve ever been extremely obvious.

Looking back, I suspect there was a time or two when someone was interested in me, and I didn’t pick up on it. Unless someone tells me or is extremely obvious, I usually assume they aren’t into me.


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SkinnyElephant
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04 Jul 2024, 1:07 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
I think she's partially wrong, because she's unfamiliar with just how blind people with ASD can be to interest.

I remember a coworker repeatedly telling me a girl was into me, I always dismissed the possibility until the girl stuffed something in my pocket and told me not to look until I got home.

I did as she said literally (partially because I had forgotten within a few minutes...).

She had taken her underwear off in the bathroom and put them in my pocket.

Lisa was right. Crystal was into me after all.

Most women aren't nearly as uninhibited as Crystal. They might be obvious, but never crystal-clear.

In hindsight Crystal might be one of us. At least one of her kids is. :nerdy:


You could be right. The college girl I chat with probably has a different idea of "obvious" than I do.

I've had a woman touch me right above my crotch (while calling me sexy). That's about how obvious they need to be in order for me to pick up on interest. Unfortunately, even though I picked up on the interest in that scenario, I failed to act on it. I froze (because I'm not used to a woman being that direct). A real catch 22: I want a woman to be more direct. Yet when it happens, I squander the opportunity (because I'm not used to it happening)

Incidentally, I also heard once that a woman I worked with was into me. I never acted on it because making a move at work is risky (Plus, there are various definitions of what it means to be "into" a guy. For all I know, maybe the coworker simply thought I had good looks, yet never intended to do anything with me)



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04 Jul 2024, 1:49 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
nick007 wrote:
It could be both scenarios. Perhaps how obvious women tend to be about like a guy is related to how much the women like him. Like a woman would be extremely obvious when she's majorly infatuated or obsessed but if she only has a slight crush she'll hint around hoping he'll make the first direct move.

Two of my girlfriends were extremely direct about liking me but they were not really NT. Me & my first were best friends & my current became obsessed after reading a bit of my posts & PMed me.


Yeah, I've read dating advice online that suggested the opposite of what the college girl told me.

I've read dating advice that said sometimes a woman thinks she's being obvious, yet the man thinks she's "only being nice." So he never makes a move (Which makes the woman think he isn't interested...when really, she just isn't being obvious enough. Supposedly, even neurotypical men are prone to struggling with reading a woman's clues of interest)
Interesting. I've known a bit of women who complained about guys hitting on them when they were just being friendly. I don't have a freaking clue how guys are expected to tell the difference between a woman being interested in them vs her just being overly friendly :scratch: My advice for guys would be to take a chance & try asking women out if your interested & be prepared for rejection & that it may ruin a possible friendship.


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SkinnyElephant
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04 Jul 2024, 2:44 pm

nick007 wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
nick007 wrote:
It could be both scenarios. Perhaps how obvious women tend to be about like a guy is related to how much the women like him. Like a woman would be extremely obvious when she's majorly infatuated or obsessed but if she only has a slight crush she'll hint around hoping he'll make the first direct move.

Two of my girlfriends were extremely direct about liking me but they were not really NT. Me & my first were best friends & my current became obsessed after reading a bit of my posts & PMed me.


Yeah, I've read dating advice online that suggested the opposite of what the college girl told me.

I've read dating advice that said sometimes a woman thinks she's being obvious, yet the man thinks she's "only being nice." So he never makes a move (Which makes the woman think he isn't interested...when really, she just isn't being obvious enough. Supposedly, even neurotypical men are prone to struggling with reading a woman's clues of interest)
Interesting. I've known a bit of women who complained about guys hitting on them when they were just being friendly. I don't have a freaking clue how guys are expected to tell the difference between a woman being interested in them vs her just being overly friendly :scratch: My advice for guys would be to take a chance & try asking women out if your interested & be prepared for rejection & that it may ruin a possible friendship.


It just so happens my next door neighbor is a woman where I think there's a chance she might be into me.

Only problem is: If I were to make a move (and get rejected), it would do worse than ruin a friendship. It would make living next to each other miserable for both of us.



funeralxempire
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04 Jul 2024, 2:54 pm

SkinnyElephant wrote:
Only problem is: If I were to make a move (and get rejected), it would do worse than ruin a friendship. It would make living next to each other miserable for both of us.


That's not always true. That's mostly only true if either of you insists on making things awkward afterwards.

Do you two already spend time together in more than just a passing by sorta way?


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SkinnyElephant
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04 Jul 2024, 4:14 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
SkinnyElephant wrote:
Only problem is: If I were to make a move (and get rejected), it would do worse than ruin a friendship. It would make living next to each other miserable for both of us.


That's not always true. That's mostly only true if either of you insists on making things awkward afterwards.

Do you two already spend time together in more than just a passing by sorta way?


We only run into each other in passing. That being said, she'll sometimes have extended discussions with me in the hallway (and we both share personal stuff with each other).

Here's a relevant story: Back in April, my next door neighbor (we'll call her Victoria; not her real name) happened to see me coming home with a woman. A few days later, Victoria was asking me all sorts of questions about the woman she saw me with (I gave a short response to try to get out of the discussion. Yet Victoria wouldn't stop persisting).

In Victoria's questioning of me, it came out that the woman she saw me with was 46 (I myself am in my early 30s). Victoria said "Nothing wrong with an older woman."

Here's why I (along with some others I've shared the story with) suspect Victoria is possibly into me:

-She was hyper-fixated on what I was doing with another woman (to the point where she wouldn't let the topic go, even when I attempted to get out of the discussion).
-Her "nothing wrong with an older woman" comment (Victoria is in her early 50s).

Anyway, it would be awkward (for me at least) if I got turned down by Victoria because it's embarrassing to get turned down by a woman 2 decades older than you. Also, I live in a gossipy building. Word would get out. I would develop a reputation of "that creep who got turned down by an old lady" (Residents would think "There must be something severely wrong with him, for a good-looking guy in his early 30s to get turned down by a woman in her 50s")