Painful to be seen

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Hi,

I'd love to here from others who relate. I find it very difficult knowing that at some point in a relationship my blind spots and limitations due to ASD will be seen. I have always fought to be seen, but I find myself wanting to hide now instead. But it is impossible to hide the ASD deficiencies in relationships. In relationships with neurotypical friends I seem to always reach the point where I feel very insufficient and as if I'm a disappointment. And I would rather crawl away and hide than continue the relationship.

I have always yearned for relationships, but I fell like giving up.

Thank you to any and all who respond kindly.
Dondi

Here's an important secret: everyone has blind spots and weaknesses and limitations. Give your friends some respect, and talk to them. They may feel you're just fine, or they may say that they wished you'd explain why you do things differently some times, or they may confess that they were wondering the same thing about themselves.

It's not like NTs can read people's minds. They can read people's 'tells' better than we can, sure, but they need communication to truly understand others, too.

Hi ChicagoLiz, I appreciate your response. Thank you for the great advice. I will go against my natural tendency to withdraw and instead open up. Such reasonable and sound advice. Thank you! I often forget that it's not that complicated.

If it's you reaching a point where you feel inadequate rather than the other person reaching a point where they find you inadequate, can you give yourself a chance and continue the relationship instead of withdrawing? Let them reject you if they must, rather than rejecting yourself. You might find that they don't reject you and want to keep getting to know you.

Thank you, bee33. This is also sound advice. I find that experience has taught me to to expect rejection once a relationship reaches a certain point, so I tend to withdraw and walk away once I see that I am seen.

However, I did communicate openly with my friend this morning, and it seems to have gone well. But I see where I lack, and that I will not be able to learn what I lack. I would like to be able to connect with people naturally, and respond in the moment to their emotional needs. I see this ability in my friend, and I appreciate it so much. I am on the receiving end of her generosity in this area, but I cannot reciprocate. My ways are different, and I don’t like that. I feel left out of something beautiful.

Even though it went well, I see a change in the relational dynamic between us. From my view, I see acceptance, but also disappointment. It’s not full rejection, but a limitation on the friendship, which feels like rejection.

But as per your advice, I’ll keep on keeping on. It’s just hard to see my limitations and how I influence the friendship. I want a deeper bond, but I’m not able to go where she goes, meaning I can’t connect like she does, even though I long to.

Thank you again.

figuring out how to make healthy choices when seeking friends and relationships is a skill that I had to learn. I benefited from the help of a counselor who pointed out to me that I had learned very unhealthy behavior patterns early in my childhood and was trying to use that to interact with others as an adult. I learned how to spot whether I was being used, manipulated, intimidated, or otherwise abused, I learned how to set limits and boundaries and how to enforce them, I learned to understand my own needs and wants and to stop trying to please anybody and everybody because that was the behavior I had from a traumatic childhood in order to survive the abuse. Now I am an adult I have learned there are many ways to interact and react to any person in any circumstances. Part of the trouble with other people is that we may not be making wise choices about who we let into our lives or who we choose to interact with .