Can't break the ice?

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Hi, I am currently on disablity. I have been getting treatment for social anxiety. I was told the treatment did involve treating autistic symptoms but I don't have a diagnosis. Anyway I have been getting into new social situations. A lot of times they will use an icebreaker. Breaking the ice is new to me and I have only broken the ice once in my life. Anyway, icebreakers come up, for example today I was meeting the people I would be co-housing with in a project for people who have been in psychiatryic centrers. Anyway there were two assistants along with one other house member. We played Two Truths and A Lie. A popular icebreaker I think, because it often came up in my time in the psychiatric center.

So here's the problem, the ice doesn't break with any of these icebreakers. It's like that every time and I don't know why. I just can't focus or something and I'm sort of nervous but I am easy going and don't make a fuss about anything and am nice. I think the goal of a icebreaker is to get into conversation and to create a vibe. But it doesn't work for me.

What is it like to break the ice and have conversation? How does it work for you? Why does it break? What is kind of the goal? And since this is a forum with people with aspergers, can people with aspergers break the ice? and if so what is your experience in that? how does it go? i'm curious to know the answer.

Thank you for reading

I'm going to assume you want to talk to someone you're attracted to.
If not...ignore this., but I'm sure the thread title will interest someone who is.
I've tried to generalise this where I could.

Welcome to the deep end of the pool.
Wear some floaties.
In the context of meeting people this means making your personality visible. Carry or wear something that identifies something you CAN actually talk about. Get excited about something and hold the excitement. You don't have to, or want to, carry a prepared conversation in your head. You have to let what happens flow.

The first step is both the hardest and the easiest. Walking up...smiling..and saying hi.
Treat this as the end goal of the whole exercise
Don't maintain eye contact until you get close...staring is a no-no until you can learn the facial expressions to make it useful.

Assuming they don't just ignore you, the next hardest part is interpreting the initial response.
What do their eyes do? If they light up you can jump to the next step.
If they are inscrutable, but you get a warm smile...proceed.
Anything else, look away, grin and feel chuffed that you actually made the approach.

This is the icebreaker moment. Working out what that smile means.
Now we need a short disposable sentence.
"I've never been here before", "I just got off a bus from ******", "It's cold outside"
It doesn't matter much what, you're making a polite noise. The aim is to get them to say something.
Interpreting the response here is more involved, but you're basically trying to decide if the conversation is being tapered, continued or deserves escalation.
Continued is the most difficult, because you'll need new innocuous content. This is where the floaties come in.(Both theirs and yours)
Tapering requires another throw away line or two to be polite.
Escalation is surprisingly the easiest step. This is where you land if their eyes say "goo goo"
You are now cleared to stare for a bit. Let your eyes widen. I shouldn't have to tell you to grin here. If conversation is still necessary, try and avoid talking about yourself other than answering questions. OBSERVE. ask questions. They obviously interest you...indulge your interest. Laugh whenever reasonable. Keep smiling.
Mouth hanging open is an advanced technique for use with long distance staring. Drooling is never acceptable! What the hell is wrong with you !
This is where some sentence stubs you should use come in.
Can I get you a ....(example?)
Do you mind .....(that I'm staring at you?)
May I,.........(Get closer?)
Shall we.....(Go somewhere else?)
Should we....(Use "we" questions by preference)

I think you can take it from here.

Remember, it takes two to be awkward. The socially adept can defuse awkward situations.
If there's some persistent discomfort then they might be in the same boat you are.
This may be the time to open up. "If I seem uncomfortable it's because I..... and you're....."



Really? You want the long distance stare?
This has worked once and failed once for me.

Wait until you catch the candidate's(?) eye . Appear shocked...eyes wide, jaw dropped. (She looked like my dead school friend). As I realised it wasn't a ghost, I walked toward her while allowing a smile to develop. A few metres away I dropped to my knees and offered my wrists, palms up. (Anyone familiar with the ritual of binding?) she tapped me on the wrist, turned around and walked away. I followed and stayed a metre or two behind her as she wandered around chatting. She occasionally checked where I was, and once pointed at a chair for me to sit. She never said a word to me until we were about to get in her car.

Oops... I said in another post that I'd never picked up at a wedding... This was a wedding.

We can absolutely break the ice, but I don't know that any majority of us would say that we find it easy or fun. Carbonhalo gave you a bunch of good advice as far as natural ice breaking goes, but it seems to me that you're talking about the team-building type that they do at events?

When I was in my senior year of college I signed up to be an opening weekend group leader. Before all of our freshmen arrived we had a week of training to teach us how to do icebreakers and how to help facilitate connections between our freshmen. I was awful at it, honestly, but I remember the lectures and I can try to explain to you what they explained to me: the purpose of icebreakers is to build rapport. So, for example, two truths and a lie. The goal is to try and remember the two truths. If any of them resonate with you then that's perfect, you can use them to start a conversation with that person later and get to know them better. If none of them resonate with you? That's also fine, because you have now learned something about that person. They're less of a stranger to you. Even minimally.

Not every ice breaker will work for every person. I tried dozens with my freshmen, because I had been taught dozens during my training, and sometimes they responded positively and other times they responded poorly. The ones I enjoyed, sometimes they did not enjoy, and the ones they enjoyed I was quick to repeat. Through the icebreakers I learned a lot about my freshmen: their names, birthdays, likes and dislikes, all sorts of things. Through the icebreakers I also became more comfortable around them. Since we'd bonded over doing silly things like "Pterodactyl" as well. I saw groups of them hanging out together throughout the entire year, they always greeted me, so I like to think I was successful in helping them build community. Because that's really the fundamental thing about group icebreakers. They're an attempt to form community.

Also, being nervous during group icebreakers is super common. I have always been as nervous doing them as I was facilitating them. They get easier with practice, and I've personally learned it helps to have a "canned" two truths and a lie ready so I can instead focus on what other people are saying over what I'm going to have to say. That way I can learn about them. Some people can become insta BFFs through icebreakers, but I've personally never experienced that. It does help me feel a little less like they're random strangers, though.

<derail>
I just wanted to say how much I hate the phrase. For me, it implies that I should want to socialise, and that I should be helping others to socialise, and it then makes a joke out of it. Thank you for listening.
</derail>

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