Do you feel self conscious?

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I think I manage okay in having conversations, though it's hard and it takes work and constant vigilance to try to seem natural and un-selfconscious, but as a result I feel self-conscious because I am constantly aware of how I am trying to come across rather than just engaging in the conversation. The other day I was sitting with two people and I could see my reflection in the glass window and I cringed at how awkward I looked, though the people I was talking to didn't seem to take any notice.

Is it unavoidable to feel self conscious when you have to work so hard at conversation?

Every waking moment of my life, even when I'm alone indoors.
My brain is constantly viewing, judging and analyzing me.
I'm always locked in my head with too much consciousness.

I have Scopophobia so that contributes too, I'm sure.

No.


If it weren't for sensory issues, I'd wear the most absurd of clothes just for the heck of it and dance out loud in most unlikely places.

But walking drenched head to toe due to the climate's constant rain on a near regular basis would be the closest thing.

I have my shy and quiet moments, usually when I'm too tired or possibly ill.
I have my shameless and daring moments, usually meant I go all out just for the giggles.

I have moments when I'm being egotistical; whether standoffish or defensive, and when I'm not.


Mostly, I don't give a damn.

Anyone can whisper and point at me; I always perceive it as a judgement of that person's character and not mine; because I know what I'm doing...



Though...
I have another type of self conscious; it's internal.

I have hypersensitive interception.
This extends to my proprioception, vestibular and touch.

In a sense I'm constantly mindful of what my posture feels, how each step feels, how my clothes and movement constantly feel...
Yes, this also extends to my face. Yes, this extends to my movement.


But no masking, still.
I'd stim out loud in public without a care whenever I feel like it. I'm not that type of self-conscious.



Except, well, if I'm at work and have to represent for my boss. I sort of 'have to' to an extent.

That's another matter; it's about them: my boss and the other party's impressions, and nothing to do with me.

Not my default though. Not that I ever tried hard; too hard doing so will backfire on me.

And not like it's my full time job anymore to do something like that on a regular basis.
Don't like it.



Lastly during my pubescent years.
And it took years of gradual burnout for that to get into me. More about my lack of control and less about social approval.

In which nipped the damn thing in the bud myself.
Because feeling too self conscious in a constant basis over any crowd will compromise my choices, my will. I won't have that.

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