Flashback of having to reject love is getting in my way

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I have just recently noticed, how an emotional flashback is getting in my way of finding love.
The man who adopted and raised me in childhood (from 0-8 years) had repeatedly hurt/threatened my mom for not loving him back. He tried to force a relationship with her right from the start, for which I will never be able to forgive him. And yet, he seemed to actually care about me. I remember as a child even having fun with him at times, and yet, having this constant feeling that he was too different and aggressive. Other people also seemed to pick up on this vibe of his. I cried if he ever picked me up from kindergarten because I did not want to be seen with him.
In the flashback he is extremely sad because I told him I would never love him (the way he expected me to, as in as a father), and I feel guilty for having to reject this love, and ashamed of ever loving him before.
I really do not know how to get past this flashback. It gets triggered whenever I start to get feelings for anyone, so I've never felt comfortable with ever being in a relationship.

Maybe you did the best you could with what you had at the time. Perhaps the you that you are now could have a talk with the you as you were then. You could journal it, or create a place in your mind, perhaps even imagine visiting the people in the flash back. Perhaps you could talk to a therapist amd ask for help resolving it.

Trying to be loyal to “mom” and “dad” when they are in conflict is hard. Also children really do depend on adults but sometimes the same adults are also unsafe or inconsistent. These things contribute to an inner conflict for children and can leave psychological marks into adulthood. Once burned, twice cautious.

On one hand, it seems you need to accept your self. On the other hand you want to change. You can’t change the past but you can learn from it and make new choices in the present.

Sometimes I catch myself overreacting to a situation in the present because it brings back things, memories and feelings from the past. I need to decide if I want to mix up yesterday In today and if that really is appropriate.

ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) and DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) try to address this type of stuff.

Autism also has hypersensitivity and hypo-sensitivity as a feature. There are a lot of circuits in the brain. Some have the volume knob turned up way too high. Some have the volume knob turned down way too low. This complicates things. Even emotions.

You could also talk to a therapist about Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR). It is commonly used to treat PTSD and other trauma-related conditions. Some people find it helpful.

PTSD is more common in autistic people than in non-autistic people. The reason I mention PTSD are the flashbacks which are a common symptom of PTSD. What you had to deal with is too much for any young child to handle.


Autism and PTSD: Overlap and link

PTSD is too much to handle without professional help. It can be difficult to find the right professional. Feel free to ask us for help with this. Where to start, what type of professional to see etc.