No desire for friends

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I always remember not really wanting friends. I was just gaslighted into thinking I needed them but whenever I was forced to interact with another child, I would just ignore them and do my own thing or go away.

I'm the stereotypical autistic loner who craves solitude. Sometimes I wonder if I'm truly autistic and don't just have some version of Schizoid personality disorder...but then I have all the other autistic traits to like sensory aversions, special interests and a STRICT need for routine that MUST run like CLOCKWORK.

These "friend" things always prevented me from doing the things I wanted to do and they NEVER want to do things that interest me. I've never really had the experience of a shared special interest and I'm okay with that. But it's made me SUPER protective of my special interests and I refuse to share them with just anyone.

I felt that way for many years of my life until I found a wonderful clubhouse.

I have the same questions myself if I do have some form of schizoid personality.

I ruled out aversion to openness. Because I get bored easily.
I ruled out conscientiousness. It's just my unavoidable but solvable hypersensitivities.
I ruled out introversion. It's just my body, really.
I ruled out agreeableness. It's just my damn mood.
I ruled out neuroticism. It's just a stupid program.

I still get attached. I still enjoy relationships.
I still enjoy social moments if it happened to fit.
I just have different expectations and preferences.

That doesn't say much about my lack of interest in making friends and socializing.

As far as I know, my lack of social interest is not a trauma response.

But yeah I agree with relationships being an interruption of some sort...
But since my current inclination is not being strict on schedules, I may not mind at some moments.

While I like keeping secrets and things to myself, I also tend to over share due to my still developing social skills.
I'm just still learning how to filter things, how to be way better at timing -- after years of not having a space to learn that.


Well...
Even if I get slightly sick, unprepared or still 'grieving' (whatever the frick that means to me), I'd end up acting schizoid like.

Because I can't ignore internal stuff. I'd be too 'withdrawn' because all my time, energy and focus is in the internal and no space for the external.

I just need to find a way to stop having random ails or ways to be less internally sensitive so I'd stop 'acting rigid'...

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I started wanting friends in the Summer of 1997. I even has plans to make friends at a bar. Before than, I was the type who couldn't be bothered.

I wouldn't mind a couple of low Maintenace friendships, but someone attached to my side, I cannot do. My routine and schedule keep my life from completely going haywire. I think that and my own past bad experiences prevent me from forming or seeking out friendships.

Thing is, I have little to no in common with a lot of people I interact with, which is mostly at work. Outside of work I am a bit of a recluse. I've always been a loner by nature and live solitude, but I do get lonely now and then, although most of the time I get through it ok.

For a long time, I just went along to get along just to keep people around, even though they treated me like s--t and were rude. I don't miss any of that.

I've pretty much thrown in the towel on any kind of friendship ever forming again.

I would love to have more friends and at this point the difficulty lies mostly with my fairly severe chronic fatigue, as I think I have gotten better at getting along with people and interacting. I have a boyfriend so I am not alone, and I have a few people I talk to on the phone, but I am nevertheless very lonely and it's a constant ache in my heart.

I found them to be too high maintenance.

I was similarly gaslit into thinking friends were important,
and I still probably could benefit from caring less about them...

I don't really have conventional friends,
but I am very social and known to a lot of people I
see in my day, and this is good enough for now.

I definitely value some amount of social interaction.

I have never had a deep connection.
Most of the "friendships" I started
were pretty bad and I should have left them earlier.

Some were good.