When Will I Stop Being Angry?

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I was diagnosed with ASD level 1 four months ago (as well as ADHD (Inattentive type and major depressive disorder). I've been doing a lot of self-acceptance and have realized things about myself. I am trying to make my life more compatible with my diagnoses. Currently unemployed because I suddenly lost the ability to manage my executive functioning or at least be able to mask.

Anyway, I was born premature (1lb and 12oz) and I grew up with an emotionally neglectful mother (I was made to take care of her emotional needs, while she dismissed my emotional needs). She knew I was developmentally delayed in certain areas, mostly learning (it took me longer to understand and learn). I remember walking home with my mother and she said "I should have gotten you tested." I don't even remember the context of the situation, just those words she said to me.

At 31, I feel like I should be a responsible adult, but I realized due to the traits of my disabilities and how I grew up, I've been barely surviving mentally, emotionally, physically, and financially. I put myself into a role of people pleaser (majoring in social work was a hug mistake) because I was taught I needed to take care of mother, I needed to do for other people. It was wrong to be selfish and to have my own wants and desires. Years ago, I told my mom I wanted to go to grad school and she said, "How can you be so selfish?" There's lot of other mind games that woman played on me, but that's for a future counseling session haha.

I am extremely angry at my mother and partially my father (parents divorced when I was 3 years old and she had main custody). They always made comments about me walking funny/crooked or pointed out that I was mixing up words. I just feel the injustice of it all and I know the only healthy thing for me to do is to give my life accommodations and reparent myself. This journey is a wild ride. Thank you for reading~

Not all of us had great childhoods. Anger is not a useful long term strategy. It can be useful initially to make a disconnection. A better long term strategy is to view one's parents as unable to do any better given their personalities and circumstances.

Regardless of initial circumstances, we each have to make the best from where we are. Selfishness is also problematic. Rather than being "selfish", distancing oneself from toxic people is prudent. Setting boundaries and not "enabling" are also wise.

I can definitely relate to your story. I got diagnosis at age 68 and finally realized at that point that my mother , who was long gone by then, had also been autistic. That explained a lot of the miserable childhood I had.

I will always be angry about the deliberate pain she inflicted on me emotionally (that was abuse) but I am able to recognize so many "whys" from the past and understand them.

I can finally see all the dynamics of autism that worked behind the scenes without anybody knowing. Its OK to be angry for as long as you need to, its OK to greive and feel sad for the struggling child looking for support and understanding. As you said, parenting ourselves now and giving ourselves the love and understanding we missed all those years ago can help us move forward.

See also the effect of trauma in childhood and the unhealthy (people pleasing or other things) behaviors we learned very early in our lives as a way to protect ourselves. Things we learned then may not work well for us as adults, but the best news is that we can learn new ways to interact with the world. We can get new tools of communication, decision making, self understanding, self care, self accommodations and so much more. It sounds like you are well on your way to a healthier way to "do life" with this new self understanding. Cheering you on. You are definitely not alone.

I don't have advice but send you my best wishes. I hope all the best for you.

I am sad to read about your less than ideal childhood.
If you want to have my bits of wisdom...

I noticed I get really upset and angry easily when I'm not on my meds. My pschologist recently told me that my meds should do far more for me than just help me get over my anger-issues, but for the past 20 years or so I at least had meds to prevent me from the desire to hurt someone/something/whatever... (I am not a violent person at all. I would not act on the desire, because it would upset me greatly to have caused harm, but... you know... anger...)

So first piece of wisdom... Have you tried anti-depressants? (With consultation of a physician, of course...)

So this is hard to do, but maybe you can get peace of mind from trying to accept this...
People mostly do not see that they hurt others. Mostly they do not do so on purpose. I would like to think that your mother did what she thought was right. I would like to think she did the best she could at the given moment with her own story and background.
Accepting that things are as they are is hard, but it can give you the strengt to move on. Forgive her for her shortcommings. She is just a human being and human beings make mistakes. Mistakes that scar us, that hurt deeply, but I hope that your mother didn't do these things to hurt you.
My mom says stuff to me still, that hurts me, puts me down, makes me wanna shout and cry. I know she doesn't mean to do that. She acts the way she does because of her own backstory and knowledge. She did a lot wrong in bringing me up, mostly because no one knew what was actually wrong wih me. My sister often is angry at her for the mistakes of the past. For me, I see that she made mistakes, and some she won't see as mistakes herself still. But she did the best she could with the knowledge and possibilities she had. And that's that. I will do the best I can, as she did, hoping I do not scar anyone in the process. But can we be sure we won't?

So if you can, move on. Think about her as a human being who makes mistakes. Try to forgive the past, and work on the present. Talk about what hurts you, if you can. If she understands, good. If not... well, you tried.

Hope my pieces of mind can help you in some way. If you have any questions, feel free to ask.

Just remember that everybody on this forum is here for you and ready to hear everything you have to say.

We are here for you.

I hope things get better for you, soon.