I'm dating a non autistic and they don't understand me

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Hi folks, I didn't know where the best place to ask this question would be but I knew of Wrongplanet and I thought I'd give it a burl.

I'm dating a guy who I love so so so much. I could write a novel on how much I love him and how I'd go to the moon and back for him. We've been friends for like three years and just recently started dating. I love him so much. We both like squishmallows and little things and align politically so most stuff we can agree about. We also got similar traumas and know what it's like. I used to date someone with no similar traumas to mine and it was awful because I had to explain consent to her and good lord it was such a slog trying to do that to a grown adult

However, I have autism and he doesn't. He'll do stuff that makes me upset and when I tell him to go easy on my because I got autism and don't understand sarcasm or stuff like that (I know it sounds like a whiny cop out but still) he'll be indifferent. At least he was until I sent him some links to stuff like "guide to dating someone who has autism" etc and he was like "oh my god I'm so sorry" etc etc and we made up. I love him but whenever we get into it I feel like such a burden.

Recently we went to a concert. We were in the pit and he bought the tickets. He was like "we're gonna be surrounded by a bunch of people do you think you'll be fine with that" and I said yes, I'd really like to try and give it a burl because I liked the band and wanted to see them live. After like five or so hours of waiting in line and hanging out with other groups of people wanting to see them, we made it into the venue. We were right by the front and I was surrounded by people. By the time the opening act finished, I told him I gotta split because I can't take the crowds. He hung out in the pit with the folks he met while I just sat upstairs. After the concert he was like "aw baby I'm sorry but its okay I'm not upset at you cuz you made it through the first set at least" but then the next day he was like "humph I kinda knew this was gonna happen from now on I'm gonna do things all by myself".

Can anyone recommend me some resources I can show him to help understand the literal autistic mind better? Or can anyone recommend me some resources to get my crap together and stop being so dumb? I don't know what to do. I love my man so much but my big stupid head is ruining everything

It sounds like maybe you are so eager to not be a burden and to please him that you yourself are not respecting your own limits. If you don't seem to him like you know what you can and cannot handle, how can he guess what that might be? I respect that you tried to go to the concert and made your best effort, but that might be sending mixed signals to him. (?)

One thing I can think of why he may have felt that upset next day:
You put him in a very bad light in front of his buddies when you split from him; and it would be very hard for him to explain why; especially in a loud concert environment.
His NT buddies most likely assumed you were upset at him or not liking his company, therefore splitting away from him, if these buddies are close friends he may got in a very embarrassing situation.
Personally I would have acted differently and went upstairs with my girlfriend instead, that would have saved his face better;
but I am no NT and socialization is often a priority for them.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. One thing I want to stress is that trying new things and finding them overwhelming does not make you dumb. It isn't stupid to try new experiences and live life to the fullest. Sometimes new things will be too much, and sometimes they will be the best thing ever, and you never know until you try. Removing yourself when you became overwhelmed with the situation was the smart move and you did the right thing. Nothing you did was dumb. You're not ruining anything. Also, having a disability isn't a whiny cop out. That's a harmful way of looking at it. Everyone has limitations. Whether they're autistic or not.

As for the boyfriend, that was a bizarre 360. I'm also confused as to why you need to spoon feed him everything. My ex did a ton of research on autism and relationships with people with autism when we were together and I never even asked her to do it. There are loads of people on forums every day who ask how they can better understand their autistic partner. If you care about somebody you learn things that help them? It's not hard to do google searches? Maybe I've got it all wrong, but I thought putting in effort to understand and communicate well with a partner was part of building a relationship? You shouldn't feel like a burden in your relationship, and you definitely shouldn't feel like it's all on you. I've had similar issues in the past with bending over backwards to try and not cause issues/be a burden to a partner. It's exhausting, it's uncomfortable, and it never ended well. I definitely suggest you talk to him about how you're feeling and why he flipped so suddenly on you sooner rather than later.

I'm sorry I don't have any pamphlets or books to recommend. I don't tend to read them.

Sweet Pea hugs

This is very familiar.

It took me a long time to be honest with people about my limits. You really should have answered more carefully when he asked you if you'd be ok in that situation. But, as I said, I would have probably made the same mistake when I was young.

The two of you should have a talk about this. He needs to respect your limits, but you need to understand them yourself and be willing to communicate before problems start.