I am severely autistic and I know it :( plz help

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I got diagnosed at age 4. My psychologist tells me that I am "high-functioning autistic" but I don't believe him. How come I get harassed literally everywhere I go and infantilised and ridiculed and talked down to, I get unsolicited comments about how young my face looks, how my thinking has no logic whatsoever, how histrionic and over-the-top and dramatic I am, no wonder I only leave the house when it's absolutely necessary (buying groceries because doing it online means I have to pay extra money for delivery, or satisfying my cravings for cigarettes weed and sugar-free soft drinks / energy drinks quicker than the internet could) if I'm out for even more than 1-2 hours at a time I feel so drained by so much sensory stimulation as soon as I get home I just lie in bed doing nothing I may fall asleep.

Reasons why I am severely autistic:

• Very poor emotional regulation, I act like a child. I cry and I scream and I throw things and I do things I regret later whenever things don't go my way, even for the stupidest smallest most trivial reasons.
  Intense hyperfixation on certain topics and not others, mostly drugs and personality types. I feel reluctant to tell people in real life, strangers in particular about this, because I fear being judged ("He's so stupid he think drugs are the answer and will cure all of his problems" meanwhile whoever said that is probably slowly rotting away on a diet of wine and vapes and antidepressants or "He thinks psuedoscientific personality systems are literal fact he can't think critically" etc).
  Very very very very bad social skills, strongly prefer the company of adults over people my own age even then I don't have any genuine relationships with anyone at all it is entirely purely motivated for compliments validation ego-boosting.
  Strongly prefer non-fiction over fiction. Extremely bad at thinking laterally or using metaphors.
  When I moved out of the foster home my social worker forced me to live in supported living most of the staff also gaslight me because of how f*****g hysterical and impulsive and naive I am everyone takes advantage of me and I f*****g know it I'm so f*****g severely autistic that I can't be trusted to live entirely independently.
  Complete inability to "mask", I just do and say things with no filter, for example I talk to myself in public only to hear strangers make remarks about the things I say which makes me feel uncomfortable. I am a slave to the consequences of my own actions and I am constantly shooting myself in the foot even though I try my hardest to do the opposite.
  Constant flashbacks of being called derogatory terms like "spastic" "r*tard" "crackhead/smackhead" "autistic child" and people making comments about me behind my back like "He may be 18 but he's got the mind of a child" or "I'm autistic as well but I don't go on like a child".

You essentially described me, minus being treated badly, the crappy environment, getting a diagnosis earlier (because financial issues), the crappy social bit (I don't mask, I get mistaken for a kid -- but far from unsafe and exploited), and the lack of hyperindependence.


I have the same emotional dysregulation and egocentry within the same age range that only recently mellowed down by overcoming deeper psych issues -- and I don't know if you're the same, too.
Are you also diagnosed with other mental conditions other than CPTSD? Itself impedes functioning. Did you ever get support for it?

The remarks over your special interests has nothing to do with you or how well you function.
One can be an independent genius and yet still obsessed over utterly random things like plastic chairs and door knobs.

The basis of preferring nonfiction over fiction has nothing to do with function levels. Heck, language itself isn't.
So what if you're more literal -- it mean you're focusing at the wrong things. Who the heck told you these things?
Your language skills is probably better than mine.

As for the socialization, you're not exactly alone amongst autistics. You got the similar patterns and within the common experience -- difference is that; you're in the foster system and everyone knows your diagnosis.
Clearly, nobody there respects you enough to talk crap about you in front of you.


Did anyone actually tried to teach you? Whether it's your self help skills or how to socialize?
Actually tried to understand you than just dismiss you for your diagnosis?


I'm not going to judge 'how well you function', I'd rather judge 'how much support you're ought to receive'.

And you're 18. Still have a room to grow. Yet to spend more time.

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I don't know if this helps but your writing, at least, is extremely lucid and comes across as highly intelligent.

Can you find a therapist who can maybe help you manage your impulsive behaviors so that you will attract less unwanted attention? Just a thought.

Welcome to WP Xpzkr....hope you get some good responses to your thread ..

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. One of the things to remember about "functional" or "severity" levels is that they're not based on how you cope and perceive things. They're based on how difficult it is for neurotypical therapists or caregivers to interact with you and how easy it is for them to teach you their version of "life skills". Generally, if they can talk with you and bully you into behaving "properly" and somewhat passing as neurotypical then you're considered easier or higher functioning and thus less deserving of resources. It doesn't matter to them how much energy you expend to function in their world. Just that you can pretend to at all. It's ridiculous, and terribly unfair, but the labels aren't ours. They're theirs.

I can relate to a lot of the things you state as to why you feel severely autistic, as I've dealt with many of them myself, and I don't think you're delusional or unintelligent. You come across as very clever. Unfortunately the world is not kind to clever people. Edna and Bee gave you a lot of great advice, so there's no need to repeat that. One thing that hasn't been mentioned yet is that you have options: you can keep trying different therapists until you find one that works for you. I completely understand not trusting therapists. I have been hurt by medical professionals so many times that I do not give them blanket trust either. There are good ones, though, and if you're able to find one I really hope they'll be able to help you. You might need to try a lot of them. It sounds like the ones that you've talked to in the past did not understand you. Hopefully you will be able to find one that can! It might be a slog, though. It took me six years and dozens of doctors telling me I was insane before I found one that knew how to help me with my chronic pain. It was worth finding that doctor in the end, but it was a disheartening journey. I hope yours is easier.

Also, I understand that drugs are your special interest, and I'm sure that you know much, much more about them than I could ever fathom, but I am concerned for your safety. Knowing about the drugs and having nothing go wrong while using them are two different things. I hope you stay safe. I also hope things go better for you, and that you're able to get the help you need.

xzpkr...i get that being thoroughlty disgusted with human being to be a thing. And my mantra for last 18 yrs but based on much longer life experiences became I trust noone ! And it is good you give fair warning to people , when they are overstepping your bounderies . Noone has walked in your shoes except you .! And will contend that , this trusting noone issue, comes from environmental circumstances ..In order to heal from it , at least to a minor point . You would badly need different environmental circumstances ...When you feel or are targeted by peeps. Best to find ways to completely get away from those circumstances. But life ....can change and your point of veiw , may change,but Aspies
are blessed with having lots of learning experiences ,BAD & good .And not that it helps but hold onto to this idea be able to put up with them.Maybe. Not meant to be contrary to any one else opinion.

I am 41 yo male and was officially diagnosed recently but knew for a while.

What I notice is we NEED some drug to have other people tolerate us. I also STRONGLY urge you to start working towards being able to do 45 minutes of intense cardio 5-6 times a week. The 30 mins 3 times a week won't help. If you get to that point, the intense cardio will make you calm for the next 24 hours. It also has the benefit of counteracting some of the negative impacts of alcohol use.

I vape THC/CBD near constantly and even at my job. I started doing this 4 years ago after a bad performance evaluation and my next ones were much improved.

Its weird, I cannot tell other people for fear of losing my job, but I smoke pot at my job AND DID BETTER precisely because I had more emotional regulation.

I too have emotional regulation issues. I drink a lot of beer if I don't smoke pot and my wife will go out and get me beer if I don't have something because she can't stand me sober.

I mean what the f right, you have this image of "drinking ruins marriages" yet mine is happy because of it...

Sweet Pea hugs

I am also trying varying supplements and certain medications just to solve emotional dysregulation issues.

For most of my life, I'm one of those violently reactive ones.
No, that does not constitute as 'severe autism'; that would require inability to learn basic adaptive living and self help skills.

By self help skills, I do not even mean adulting stuff and chores, but very basic daily living stuff that any pampered 8 year on their own could could've learn at bare minimum.
Or the type of self help where one could actually survive when left alone.

I don't even count myself as 'articulate'. Words itself are just flat out unnatural to me and I lucked out on compensation.
Speech and language does not constitute 'severe autism'. That's a very common misconception.

Heck, there are actually plenty of those with 'severe autism' who are more articulate than I'm, and usually they're classed as 'severe' due to actually severe physical conditions and are even tested as 'low IQ', but mostly they're literally trapped in their own body type.

I can relate more to the last statement than any other 'I am constantly bullied' common aspie stories.

Though, I cannot exactly afford to be a biohacker... (You likely have a skillset of one or at least pursuing it based on your special interests).

There are other ways to overcome that unwanted chronic feeling within you (usually is emotional dysregulation).
But one without medication that takes a lot of discernment, a lot of introspection and too much interoception. It's not a doable path for everyone.

So yeah I can understand the idea of needing certain medications to be able to function well or a hope as a way to change.
And it is very much inaccessible for a reason however.


I don't believe all 'attitudes' are even natural, let alone intentional.

All because of some crap, usually childhood crap, and that's not directly very accessible parts of the mind by the conscious mind.
As much as I wish anyone can change as easily to become whoever they want to be, that's not how humans work in general.

The right medications are either bypass from those noisy and reactive crap (which is meant for short term), or lessening certain weight and encumbrances (which can lead to dependence).
Also lessening the noises of the brain's attempt on meant-to-be-temporary-then-turned-detrimental coping mechanism (usually unconscious avoidance) to confront it head on (some may require skills in meditation, others need competent professional intervention).

And I don't match the whole 'thoughts precedes emotions' model.
It could very much apply and work with everyone else, but not me.
Because had that been true, my problems would've been solved long time ago.

So I understand the damnable reactivity; ruining learning opportunity moments all because of 'moodiness'. It was a plague for most of my life.
And I can very much understand the lack of accessibility to pursue whichever path to get out in there

In any case...
Asociality and hostility does not constitute 'severe autism'.
There are plenty of those who are actually diagnosed as 'severe autism' and are way more social seeking, affectionate and trusting.

I understand the asociality (whether it's the actual innate lack of human social need and instinct, to varying coping mechanism as a reaction).

And I can very much understand the hostility (most of which are reactions), with what, most autistics had to go through with the crap many of us had to put up with; it's actually a reasonable reaction.
Still, predictable human reaction or not, still a detrimental one.

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