Personality typology - infused ramble

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As a disclaimer, if this even counts as a disclaimer in the first place, since age 13 (due to trauma-induced extreme identity problems) I have been extremely obsessed with personality typology systems such as MBTI / enneagram / psychosophy / big five / etc (obsessively using google to clarify the astrological sign of literally every celebrity I knew when I was 11 years old was the writing on the wall, obviously the star signs probably aren't as valid/believable as personality types), I think about it literally all of the time like "what typology in any system am I? What about people around me? What about things that aren't even people to begin with such as locations or music genres or foods or emotions or philosophical/religious ideologies?" but I feel extremely uncomfortable talking about it in person, the thought of (just the thought of, it doesn't even have to happen in real life even imagining it in your head is enough to make you want to dig a hole) someone saying personality types in real life like "INFP" or "8w7" or smth makes me cringe, I'm realising (probably due to what everyone else believes) that at the end of the day these ways of categorising personality have no scientific value at all (so many people think of them as analogous to some f*****g "choose an Urban Outfitters outfit in order to find out what hogwarts house you are" Buzzfeed test that kind of thing) and objectively how f*****g extremely cringey and childish it is of me to have such an intense interest in it (hence extreme discomfort arising daydreaming about the hypothetical scenario of, as an example, grown adults talking about how they hate people because they're INTJ 5w6 sp/so LII LVFE) but I can't help it though, I am desperate to understand both myself and other people (and reality as a whole) and my understanding is not just limited to typology, I also think in terms of deeply ingrained mental images of imaginary people based on the things I've seen each one is supposed to embody different concepts ideologies personality traits etc yet I can't really elaborate on them because I already know how cringey they are because they never ever reflect reality, i.e. literally no-one I meet in real life ever bears even the slightest resemblance to any of these people and I feel so shocked and overwhelmed and extremely dumb when I learn facts (e.g. meeting new people, characters in fiction, statements on reddit/wikipedia/what other people say IRL even if I know I should take facts like that with a grain of salt it could be BS).
Anyway long story short I had the most chaotic traumatic upbringing ever with loads of moving house and loads of abuse (mostly neglect and emotional abuse) and bullying and spent most of my adolescence sheltered in a foster home where I was bullied relentlessly, 6 months or so after my 18th birthday I was thrown into the real world only finances was universal credit and I'm still struggling to find paid employment for the first time.
The internet, well maybe not the internet but society as a whole (e.g. it's evident in fiction tropes, stereotypes and assumptions everyone seems to have about the world and the people in it) has this belief that it's almost always members of the "quirky" neurodivergent intellectual creative freethinker hipster crowd (in terms of personality types, INXX E4 E5 E6 and also Ne-doms) that get bullied and ostracized from their peers and that the opposite of the spectrum are the seemingly loud brash shallow cheerful overly confident popular charming (chavs in the UK) conformists that PDB thinks that all Se-dom and Fe-dom 2's 3's and 7's are like, the people that somehow never get bullied and always follow aesthetic trends without question (e.g. you have to vape, you have to wear Nike, you have to have a £142525925925 iPhone 28 max pro plus with airpods, because most other 19-year-olds are like that and any 19-year-old that doesn't gets treat like s**t. Alternatively you have to be some edgy 2000s e-girl that drinks monster and listens to Deftones, do people like that still actually exist or am I living under a rock? You get what I'm saying, I get the impression that every other young person except myself is part of a pre-existing subculture yet that view is completely contradicted when I go out in public and see people my own age dressed completely unique but also somehow fashionable, meanwhile I am the former adjective but not the latter). When I was 13 I went through a cringey dark academia phase and I thought that I was some big brain high IQ deep thinker philosophist way cleverer than everyone else looked down on the "normal" "basic" girls that would wear make-up and generic Primark clothes describing them as "shallow and gossipy", but at age 18 I've came to the conclusion that that is BS, judging from experience these "chavvy" "normal" "basic" "NPC" "generic" people are way more complex than my younger self would have thought, I can tell by the way they speak and their sense of humour, how unexpected their clothing choices are (everything feels unexpected to me not just fashion, the grown-up big world hit me like a metro), the kind of things they post to Instagram and the way they post it, I honestly feel like everyone is way ahead of me intellectually way more mentally deranged than I am way more detached from reality than I am. I spend a lot of time journalling / philosophising, to the point of being unable to focus on books and video games and telly.
I hear people, not just kids but people in general, say such weird unhinged and also sometimes disturbing things. I've heard people say "I don't know if the grass is green, it could be" or "Everyone is stupid including myself" or "Germany actually exists? I never knew that" or an average-sized short person thinking they are tall and muscular or a long-haired woman thinking she has short hair. What a weird random f**ked-up brainrotty era this world has became. There is this common belief on online typology communities that them cool normal bratty kids that make fun of others are like ESFP 2w3 287 and the shy autistic introspective kids are like INTJ 5w4 541, if anything it's probably the complete opposite (and that is just one possibility, anything could be the case).
I know rationally that at the end of the day no personality type is inherently "bad" "stupid" "embarrassing to have" but I still constantly fall victim to my own cognitive biases automatically without even realising or thinking about it, my tall pale thin lanky logical introverted intelligent ideal self is INTX SP5 ILI and if I am convinced, for whatever reason, that I am not that type or not similar to that type enough (e.g. INFP 4w5 or ENTP 7w6 is okay enough but not as "good" "cool" "ego boosting" as the aforementioned vibes) I feel extreme feelings of self-hatred and shame. I've noticed that although I would not want to be an xSFx in MBTI / jungian / socionics myself (due to the stereotype of the four SF types being thought of as the least intelligent) somehow other people (even males) seem to pull of being any kind of XSFX so easily, they somehow make it look cool and attractive and based yet if I were to convince myself I was a one myself (through a personality test result, a stranger psychoanalysing me after reading a questionnaire about my own cognition and behaviour etc, assumptions people make about me IRL) I would feel uncomfortable (although it kind of does depend on what kind of SF, for example ISFP SP9 seems way way way less embarrassing than ESFJ SX2 but that's just my subjective opinion).
I still don't know who I am. I know I am a transgender male, I identify as male, but that is not to say I can find a female physically attractive and wanting to be her (not wanting to have sex with her though) but also not wanting to be her because, like I said, my gender identity and my gender expression is more masculine should I try to become more feminine (i.e. crossdressing, intentionally changing my pronouns to she/her but then unsurprisingly regretting it) it would feel like I was forcing it and I would feel extremely uncomfortable. I find cheap housing estates in central Gateshead extremely aesthetically pleasing but also the bay window terraced houses in South Shields and Whitley Bay. I think there is something so weirdly cool and attractive about morbid things like benzo addicts in Scotland and Northern Ireland, at the same time I value using drugs responsibly (so you don't face severe legal, health or financial consequences, so you don't die prematurely) and I would rather stick to my weed blue lotus and DXM don't touch dodgier drugs like alcohol heroin inhalants datura (ashamed of how due to being autistic and sheltered the only illegal drug I have access to is weed even then it is very very hard to find a plug that isn't a con artist) yet at the same time I can't stop smoking cigarettes (need to cut down to save money) but at least I'm not popcorning my lungs with hideous-looking entirely chemical and inorganic sickly sweet f*****g vapes unlike most other people my age. I feel disconnected from god so to speak and find it hard to believe in a higher power (I can't really explain why, it could be the suffering in this world, how vague and absurd and meaningless the entire world seems, no scientific evidence to prove the existence of a higher power) yet at the same time I'm certainly not an atheist either, I am extremely afraid of death because I believe there is a possibility that there is indeed an afterlife and there is the possibility I could go to a hell-like realm after death as a punishment for all my misdeeds such as substance misuse or even being transgender but reincarnation could also be a possibility or (hopefully, a belief more comforting than catholic heaven) no afterlife at all there's just no way of knowing at all. You get what I mean, I have mixed feelings about pretty much everyone and everything and no logically nuanced opinions yet at the same time I can easily identify what does and what does not align with my ideal self, or how I would like to be perceived. I feel ashamed of how irrational and overly emotional I am.
I hate how everyone, both on the internet and in person, is way more concise than I am. I try to articulate my thoughts through writing/typing but I end up rambling extremely long essays meanwhile everyone else can come up with quick witty statements that are no more than a fifth of a paragraph long.
Before August/September 2024 or something people thought of me as highly disciplined with eating calories and exercising, looked average-sized despite having a slightly underweight BMI, cognitively extraverted (in the sense that I was energized by the external world and never needed alone time and got a kick out of speaking to people but only if they were above a certain age, but had mostly solitary interests and poor social skills), unduly concerned with physical appearance, extremely aware of surroundings, doesn't question anything at all, strict routines for doing everything, and highly emotionally expressive and dramatic. All of a sudden I have spent way more time preferring my mind over my surroundings, to the point of despising being in public for too long and getting extremely uncomfortable and shy in the presence of strangers. I get thoughts like "I'm still the dumb cringey shallow naive ESFx E2/E3 SLUEN xxVL always have been always will be, but in an Ni/Ti grip because of how stressful and confusing adult life is" I often think to myself "I feel like a shy socially inept quiet awkward person" yet I overshare relentlessly both on the internet and in front of people IRL (even strangers that I know I shouldn't be oversharing to?).

I don't know if I should also include this but I get the impression that since a rather young age I have been gaslighted by so many people, not just one particular person or one particular group of people but society as a whole and I believe I have an extreme degree of doubt and that I cannot trust anyone not even myself, hence the confusion agnosticism fence-sitting and contradictory paradoxical preferences.

A fool would assume that in jung / socionics / MBTI I am an intuitive type merely because of my (albeit self-confessed, many people get the impression otherwise) curiosity for the unknown, abstract interests such as psychology philosophy theology psychonautics sociology introspection, and often typing as INTP on online tests when my younger self would get XSFP or something like that (I don't mean 16personalities or Truity esque tests with vague questions like "You love partying very very much" or "You overthink everything and have panic attacks a lot" I mean tests with better sorta questions the likes of Advanced Personality and Sakinorva idk if those are even accurate in the first place but obviously they have more nuanced so to speak questions than some of the weird sh***y personality tests that truly do reek of Buzzfeed tests and "21 sIgNs YoU aRe InTj PeRsOnAlItY tYpE" articles and youtube video vibes my younger self would fall for----- the point that I'm trying to make is that I know I am in fact NOT as intuitive as I think I am or would like to be, because if I truly were any kind of intuitive (an intuitive with better developed sensing functions and/or simultaneously a type in another system supposed to be more realistic e.g. E8, then maybe not as much) I would be mentally deranged beyond any sensor's comprehension (or maybe I'm just being biased and irrational again) (in other words I would be just like them "nOrMaL" kids that say extremely witty sarcastic creepy weird random things all of the time well maybe I'm over exaggerating or over generalizing but very few 18-year-old boys are not like that especially these days). I would be way less aware of my surroundings, yes I love learning about immaterial concepts and the vast majority of my thoughts are related to what I am and what others think of me and what even defines/causes these thoughts in the first place but at the same time I value being underweight and looking/dressing a certain way and I always make sure I find a balance eg do drugs without getting too skint to afford food and remain underweight but not Eugenia Cooney and dies of a heart attack prematurely kinda underweight. If I were a genuine INxJ / xNxP then I would be way better at thinking laterally, I am absolutely terrible at coming up with new ways of doing or saying things. I'm assuming I'm an intuitive because of dumb PDB-level stereotypes like "likes psychology so INXJ 5w4" or "autistic so INTP 5w6" or "eclectic and messy and unkempt and various interests so Ne dom E7" or "really really introspective so INFP 4w5 459 ELVF", if I really were a type like that (generally speaking, the stereotyping bias is at it again) I would be much more proficient at using metaphors and I would prefer fiction over non-fiction, unlike a sensing type (especially an autistic and/or non-inquisitive one) that is more honest and blunt and straightforward as Ne would distort the facts.

I don't believe you wrote that in one breath, the way it reads.
CRLF is your (and more importantly...my) friend