What Christians (& other non-Jews) can learn from Yom Kippur

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Although I'm not Jewish (nor of Jewish background) myself, the vast majority of my friends, over the years -- including most of my closest friends and my current life partner -- have been people of Jewish background.

Partly this is because I live in NYC, where there happen to be lots of Jews. However, Jews are by no means a majority, even here. Among the people I've met who shared my interests, there have also been lots of people from Catholic and other Christian backgrounds. So, sheer local demographics alone does not explain why most of my friends have been of Jewish background.

Recently, I've begun to suspect that one reason may be that most branches of Judaism have an annual custom that probably has the effect of making it at least somewhat less awkward for many Jews, than for most other people, to resolve misunderstandings. And since I, as an autistic person, tend to be misunderstanding-prone, the ability to resolve misunderstandings is a sine qua non for anyone to be a longterm friend of mine.

The annual custom I am referring to is described on the following pages:

- Appeasement And Forgiveness On Erev Yom Kippur (Orthodox?)
- Asking Forgiveness (Hasidic)
- Yom Kippur and the Gift of Forgiveness (Reform)
- Yom Kippur: A Time to Forgive Others and Ourselves (Reform or Conservative?)
- Yom Kippur (Humanistic)
- Yom Kippur: What does Judaism actually say about forgiveness?

(I tried to pick sources representing a variety of different branches of Judaism. Everyone, feel free to post other/better sources if you happen to know of any.)

A quick summary from the Chabad/Hasidic article:

No branch of Christianity that I'm aware of has a similar custom.

Liturgical Christians (Catholics, Eastern Orthodox, Lutherans, and Anglicans) do have Lent, which is a season focused on repentance. But, while Lent observance traditionally involves turning away from bad habits and temporarily refraining from various luxuries, Lent does not, as far as I am aware, traditionally involve any special imperative to seek forgiveness from other people whom one may have offended or wronged.

Christianity traditionally does place a lot of emphasis on seeking forgiveness from God, and also places a lot of emphasis on forgiving other people (sometimes carrying that too far, in my opinion, at the expense of justice). But I'm not aware of any traditional Christian custom that specifically facilitates seeking forgiveness from other people, which would make it easier to have the kinds of conversations that can result in resolving interpersonal issues.

If I were still Christian, I might consider advocating that churches add such a custom to their Lent observance.

Anyhow, to any observant Jews who happen to be reading this, have a blessed Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur!

I always admired the spirit of Yom Kippur. Asking forgiveness from God is much easier than asking forgiveness from those you've wronged to their face. I wish more people could have the courage to apologize and grow. So much of our society is fixated on not admitting fault, deflecting blame, saving face. Denying responsibility is easy, accepting responsibility is hard.

I don't have to forgive anyone or anything for making the world a complete dumpster fire, and I never will.

Raised Lutheran, and still consider myself to be of that faith, regarding my religious affiliation.
To be honest with you, I don't think I ever gave Yom Kippur a second thought.

I knew an Israeli who said his family would ask each other for forgiveness in an informal way on Yom Kippur, although they didn't actually go to services. That may be a tradition in Israel.

I am not aware of American Jews giving specific thought to this concept on Yom Kippur outside of services. Mostly they're just waiting for the fast to end. My takeaway from this is simply that Judaism is strongly rooted in the concept of free will, from which one concludes that one is responsible for one's actions towards others. Many Protestant Christian sects, as I understand it, are predestinatarian, and people in those sects are less inclined to take personal responsibility, which may explain much of American politics.

I have never seen people going to other people and asking for forgiveness on Yom Kipper.

As autistics we often don’t know if we have wronged people. Saying “I’m sorry for anybody I have offended” is literally true but that has been used as a dodge so often it has no credibility.

One needs to have a degree of modesty about themselves in order to be able to forgive. America especially in 2024 lacks that trait. It was brought home to me the other night during the Vice Presidential debate. Tim Walz was asked about him saying he was in Hong Kong during the Tiananmen Square crackdown when he wasn’t. He said “I’m a knucklehead at times”. To me that was a positive it was admitting his wrong in a self deprecating manor. Since the debate all the analysts have said that moment was a horrific unforced error.

Asking for forgiveness goes beyond apologizing, so in an era when someone apologizing is seen as a weak person who has been owned how is asking for forgiveness going to become a thing?

While I have apologized I don’t remember asking for forgiveness. To me asking for forgiveness is an act of chutzpah. It is up to the person who has been wronged to decide if forgiveness is going to be given. I have already wronged the person now I am going to put another burden on that person?

I suspect it may be more common, in practice, among Orthodox Jews than among Jews of the more modern and less strict movements. I first heard of the custom from some Orthodox Jews.

Also it should be noted that the tradition, at least among the Orthodox, is to ask other people for forgiveness not on Yom Kippur itself but during the days between Rosh Hoshanah and Yom Kippur.

In any case, it would seem that Jews who do practice this tradition vary a lot as to whom they ask for forgiveness. For some, it might be just members of their family, or just members of their congregation. But there are others who apply this idea to everyone they come into contact with regularly, e.g. co-workers, including non-Jews. I first heard about the custom, about 20 years ago, from an Orthodox Jewish co-worker who explained the custom, then asked me (a non-Jew) for forgiveness for anything he might have said or done that offended me. My immediate reaction was "Wow! What a lovely custom!"


Only the hardcore Calvinist denominations (e.g. Presbyterian and Reformed), and even they tend not to emphasize this idea a whole lot. Methodists traditionally stress free will. Baptists vary on this question.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 04 Oct 2024, 12:24 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Agreed.

No, but it might contribute to not always being as miserable as possible, at least briefly. Perpetually stewing in your own misery can't be a good way to go through life.

I have forgiven those adults who harmed me including parents because of literal ignorance of autism in those days. Nobody asked me to do that. It has helped a lot with accepting autism. It helped me not be bitter over what might have been because it was never to be.

I have never forgiven my school yard bullies but don’t stew over them. I recognize that they are part of my history that have left some scars I have to deal with but that is as far as it goes. I have no idea what they are like now or even if they are alive so holding a grudge is stupid self sabotage.

It's good you've made that realization. I don't think much positive comes from only ever focusing on the negative aspects of everything and stewing over those feelings, it's just another form of self-sabotage.

I'm wondering if there's an aspect of all this that is not entirely sincere. If asking for forgiveness is expected, then does it really come from the heart? Or is it more like going through the motions?

I guess it could "become a thing" only within subcultures that agree to accept it, not within American society at large, at least at the present time.

Perhaps it could "become a thing" within some other religious communities besides Jews.

And perhaps it could eventually "become a thing" within some nonreligious subcultures too, such as perhaps the adult autistic community?


Yes, it is up to the person who has been wronged to decide if forgiveness is going to be given. But perhaps, at least within a subculture in which asking for forgiveness is customary, it could be a way of opening the door to a real conversation as to what kind of restitution (if any) is necessary, or what other kind of action needs to be taken to set things right. According to some of the sources I linked in my original post, asking for forgiveness is supposed to be accompanied by demonstrations of real repentance, including real action to undo or at least mitigate the harm.

In order for this to work well, it would probably help a lot if both people have a strong sense of obligation to a common community and hence a need to resolve any interpersonal issues within that community.

Last edited by Mona Pereth on 04 Oct 2024, 3:13 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Indeed, when I asked my partner (who is from a Jewish background, and whose mother eventually became very religious) what he thinks of the custom, he said that, to him, it often seems fake.

But it seems to me that having such a custom could, at least, make it a whole lot less awkward for the real thing to happen, if indeed anyone chooses to make it real.

Also, if nothing else, it plants in people's heads the idea that reconciliation and working out interpersonal issues is a good thing. Too many people, these days, simply dismiss this idea out of hand.

My post left the false impression my parents were abusive. They were anything but. Considering they did not know what they were dealing with they did very well. In fact the attitude above came from their teachings. They drummed into me no matter what bad things are going on with you or the family the rest of the world goes on. They were not saying ignore the bad things but don’t wallow in them. Easier said then done for an autistic but holding onto things that happened 55 years ago is too long.