Under what circumstances would you get back with an ex?

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In order to help someone on WP I recently reached out to an ex because it was his line of work and he knew things I didn't and I wanted to help them. Anyway, that opened a communication channel and he's since apologized and told me that breaking up with me was the biggest mistake of his life, and that he's had a shift in perspective now, and that he's really worked on himself, and that he wants another chance. He said he talked to all of his friends and even reached out to some of his own exes about the things he does that strain relationships and how he can make them better. That the reason he broke up with me was a depression/anxiety spiral and that he's very sure it won't happen again. He said he really wants to make things work.

I want to believe him. I really want to believe him and give him a second chance. Is it completely stupid of me?

Under what circumstances would you take back an ex?

I would get back with all of them. There are only two and one has died. (I'm not counting my high school boyfriend.) For me, love doesn't ever go away. I am still just as attached to them as I ever was, and I am now attached to my current boyfriend. (So I wouldn't get back with them for practical reasons because I am already attached, and polyamory isn't for me.) I love them just as much as I ever have and miss them terribly.

Yep...agree with all that ^^^
(Well...except for the Polyamory)

Even when they have done things in the past that hurt you? Is forgiving someone worth the possible heartbreak of it happening all over again?

Since the only way they can hurt me is by leaving, can I forgive them that?
Probably.

If they've done something to hurt you then that's something to consider. It's true that they might do it again. I suppose it's a gamble. For me, I have never really had practical considerations in relationships. I am just completely devoted and I can forgive them anything. That may not be wise, but it's how I feel.

I think what matters in your (OPs) case is how you feel about being in a relationship. I have seen quite a few people on WP say that being in a relationship isn't really important to them. If that describes you, then I suppose you should give it a miss, because the same sort of problems are likely to repeat, because the relationship won't really be important enough to you for you to make the necessary sacrifices to make the relationship work. And most successful relationships involve a certain amount of self-sacrifice on both sides.

On the other hand, if you think you'd really like to be in a relationship again, then you should definitely give this guy a chance. The fact you even ask the question shows you still have feelings. It's true that people don't change, but they do mature and strive to be better towards others. I think you have good reason to hope that this guy genuinely doesn't want to repeat his previous mistakes, and you should at least give him a reasonable chance, if the thought of doing so feels right to you.

After getting married I had two women I dated/knew before reach out to re-connect with me after they got divorced. I kinda understand why an ex might reach out to an old flame. Nostalgia. We often remember the good times and how we were once attached. there might be temptation to re-kindle an old flame if times are tough.

But in my case I ghosted them.

In my case, none. Absolutely none.

Thank you so much for the thoughtful advice! You're right: I do still have feelings for him. And people can learn from their mistakes. That's part of why I'm hesitant. I guess I have to decide whether or not dating him in the first place was a mistake and what I can learn from it. He did ghost me for a summer and then reappear like nothing happened. He also dumped me after I complained to him that it wasn't reasonable for me to do everything in our relationship, and make all the plans and sacrifices, including reminding him to interact with me. But that could have just been a depression thing? If that's really under control things might be a lot better?

Do you have any advice on balancing a relationship? You said that's an important thing for a successful relationship, but I'm really bad at it. In the two I had I was always the one making the compromises and sacrifices and when I tried to bring up how unfair it felt I'd get dismissed (the man in question here) or yelled at (a woman I no longer talk to). It's made me nervous about speaking up for my own needs in a relationship. I'm worried about things becoming entirely one-sided again.

While the signs indicate he's not exactly "happily ever after" material, if you want to give him the benefit of doubt and you sincerely enjoyed your last relationship with him then what is holding you back?

My gut feeling says you shouldn't get back together with this person. Unless you have concrete evidence to support this person's claims that they have changed. A-holes are very good at holding up a facade just long enough for you to buy back into the relationship, then your trapped.

Trust me, I've dealt with my fair share of shape shifters in my time.

that was my concern also. Be careful Rhapsody.

Never, they're exes for a reason.

Past experience tells me never to go back

That's a good point, but how would I get concrete evidence that somebody changed?

I do know he didn't lie when he said he talked to his friends about how he can be better going forward. I became friends with one of them while we were dating (we swap cat memes) and he confirmed. Which is probably the most concrete evidence I can get that he's at least trying harder this time.