How to Prepare for Motherhood?

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My boyfriend David wants 3 children once we get married but I need to get experience with babies/children before even considering having kids!! !

How bad does labor hurt in childbirth?

The contractions?

And the vaginal tearing?!?

And C-sections?

How can I start preparing myself to become a mom?

I am tired of this constant Motherhood Ambivalence I have been dealing with and want to know how to overcome it!

What do you guys think?

Thanks in advance!! !

A childless person gives you the first response, so assign no weight.

I'd suggest getting used to earplugs at night and nose plugs during the day.
Practice bashing your head against the wall... Find the soft spots for later.
Say goodbye to your bank balance, free time and sanity.
(If you're still considering parenthood it's already too late for that last one)

Every pregnancy is different; every labor & delivery is different; every child is different.

There's no way to definitively answer your questions. I can assure you that, like the Peace Corps, it's " the toughest job you'll ever love".

Your instinct to have some actual experience with babies and children is excellent. Good idea, however you can manage it. Making a point of doing things (or just hanging) with nieces/nephews/neighbors' kids, or occasional babysitting, or volunteering with the Big Sisters organization or some such are a few ideas. That's a great thing to do, no matter what.

But, first of all: your boyfriend has a specific number of children he wants. It doesn't sound like he respects the fact that you're not on the same page at this point. You're the one who has to change to fit his expectations?

What if you can't have children? What if you can't have more than 1 or 2? What if your third birth is twins, so you end up with 4 instead?

Why does he want 3? Is that what he grew up with?

Parents of 3 will tell you that it goes from one-on-one attention and care to 'zone defense' when you get to that number. It's a very different parenting situation.

And most importantly: is that what you want, too? Does he care about the answer to that question? Does he talk to you about it, and listen to your concerns?

I think motherhood is something you're ready for when you're ready for it, and not before. It's not an arbitrary or logical decision that you want this or that, and thinking that it's simply a decision. It's far more involved than that. It sounds like you're not even close to being ready for it. Give it some time to develop gradually and naturally and then you will know when you are ready.

Beyond the physical mechanical. logistical. and financial aspects of motherhood there are emotional and spiritual elements.

Some women can transition to the selflessness required to invest oneself in another. For many the transition from thinking mostly about yourself to thinking mostly about another is a rewarding one. However, there are some that experience resentment. For these, having children can be a mistake.

There are also those who find a way to live with just a minimal investment in their children such as the British nobility that send their children off to boarding school or hire a nanny. Regular people who try to do this with day care and public school can find that the demands of daily schedule keeping to be more difficult.

Those who make a greater investment with things like homeschool make a proportionally greater investment of self.

How to Prepare for Motherhood?  Here are some methods:

1. Arrange to have someone blow a police whistle in your face every two hours.

2. Mix up a pot of sticky oatmeal, then open your closet door and fling the contents at the clothes inside.

3. Place your hamper next to your bed and wash only those clothes that have been in there for two weeks.

4. Scatter 5 gallons (about 20 liters) of Lego™ building blocks in every room of your home.

5. Purchase 5 Happy Meals™ from the drive-through and mash the contents of each into your car's upholstery.

This should do for a start.  Sorry I can't help with preparing you for childbirth itself.

If you feel that you need experience with children before having them, then it would be best to obtain that experience *before* getting married. Children are a natural, logical product of marriage. Since your boyfriend has expressed a strong desire to have them, this is something that the two of you absolutely need to agree on, prior to the wedding. It is my opinion that if you are not ready for children, then you are not ready for marriage to this man.



Depends on a lot of factors:

(1) The individual woman's tolerance of pain
(2) Shape of the pelvis (which influences Baby's presentation -- Babies who emerge facing toward Mom's belly or inner thigh cause more intense contractions)
(3) Overall length of active labor
(4) Coping strategies learned prior to birth (including understanding/training yourself how to relax)
(5) Support (from husband, midwife/doula, etc.)

It was immensely helpful to me, to read the actual biological processes of birth. All of the chemical reactions that occur in the brain and body, how exactly the muscles work, the science behind why and when things happen. If that sounds like something you'd be interested in, I highly recommend the book, "Active Birth" by Janet Balaskas. If you're interested in the normal experiences of natural birth (not medically managed), I recommend, "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth," by Ina May Gaskin.

Both of these books did a great job of resolving my fear surrounding labor and birth.



Tearing can be minimized (or eliminated) using various strategies. My worst tears were with OB/GYNs, due to heavy interventions and unnatural labor positioning (flat on my back). I had minimal to zero tears with my midwife team, because they had patience and promoted things like perineal massage, freedom of movement, and water labor/birth.



It is difficult to avoid a cesarean in a birth managed by the medical model; they are easy to avoid if your birth is managed by a lay midwife. OB/GYNs are surgeons, first and foremost. Which is amazing, when it's truly needed. The c-section rate in the western world is overblown and not at all necessary for the health and well being of most moms and babies. If you wish to avoid a cesarean, select your birth team very, very carefully. Be aware that in some locations, "once a cesarean, always a cesarean" is the norm, and you may be pressured to limit the number of births/c-section deliveries you have in your lifetime to 2.



Which part of motherhood do you hope to prepare yourself for? The pregnancy/birth/nursing part? The baby care part? The early childhood part? The teen part? All of it? I'm not convinced that anyone is truly prepared for the challenges and joys of children. Understanding childhood development is a good start (through books, or taking a community college course, or through practical experience like working at a commercial daycare), as is discussing basic parenting methods with your boyfriend.

More important than feeling "ready" for motherhood is being on the same page as the father of your children. How many you have, when you have them, how you plan to discipline, how you plan to educate, what you want your family life to look like (breadwinner/homemaker? double income?).... These are part of the foundation of it all. If y'all agree on all of these things, it makes the challenges of parenting a lot easier.

If you admire the parenting of your own parents/his parents, that helps a lot, too. Because fighting grandparents who hold opposing parenting views is truly awful -- and this situation makes it even more critical that you and your husband agree on what is right for your family of creation.

And all of that is in addition to almost everything timf said. And Fnord. Especially the bit about the Legos.

My aspie husband and I had a wonderful experience several years before we had our son. My sister's oldest daughter has mild ADHD. She came to spend a week with us.

My goodness what a challenge. But many years later, the three of us are still close. I just got to visit her a few months ago as she accepted some academic awards.

My husband and I now have our own child with ADHD. He reminds us of our niece in many ways. If we had not had that dry run, we would not have known anything about dealing with a child so different than us.

If you don't have access to a family child to look after, a dog can also be good training.

I think I ***might*** be pregnant because of changes to my body like the onset of varicose veins, weird bleeding (implantation bleeding?) stuffy nose and now...sudden weight gain?!?

When I go to the doctor I will get a blood test so I can know for sure!! !

Depending on what part of the world you live in, at-home pregnancy tests are usually inexpensive and easily obtained. They test for the presence of hCG, and if your period is between 1-2 weeks late, they are super accurate. Midwives and crisis pregnancy centers can test you, as well.

In the meantime, treat yourself as if you are now growing a tiny human. Focus on eating protein-rich and high-folate/folic acid foods, just in case. Please keep us updated.

If the baby was conceived in late May, then by now you are well into your 2nd trimester and should have gone to a clinic MONTHS ago. Sorry if my opinion doesn't count for beans. At least you would seem to be healthy and apparently don't abuse substances, so there's that.

All the preparation in the world won't help prepare you for what is to come

You just have to wing it most of the time

One piece of advice I would like to give is find something for yourself, something that you really love doing and make time in your life to do it...even if it's just an hour a week or a month or what ever

Just give yourself a break from time to time and don't try and be superwoman either

Those are not signs of pregnancy. At all.

Well if she hasn't had her period since May then she probably is pregnant. Doesn't take an Einstein to figure that out.

Where does it say she hasn't had a period? She also mentions bleeding, which usually is a period.

When women have implantation bleeding, it isn’t usually more than a drop or two of blood on one day.