I've found my old diares
Hi, I wanted to share something that's been worrying me a lot. I recently found my old diaries from the year when I first realized I was gay, had my first crush and preparing to high-school exam. At the time, word spread quickly, as people love gossip, and it was such a small district where everyone knew each other. People were homophobic, and I faced a lot of bullying because of it and here how I feel on that now,
I’m scared of reading these old diary entries and realizing how much I lived inside my own world back then, completely unaware of what was happening around me. It’s frightening to look back and see how disconnected I was from other people’s actions and intentions, how I just focused on being perfect in school, thinking that was the key to everything. I didn’t see the mockery, the way I was being treated, until now. The things that seemed confusing or harmless back then suddenly make sense, and it’s like I’m seeing my past through a painful clear lens.What terrifies me even more is the thought that this same pattern might be happening now. What if I’m still living inside my world, not fully aware of what’s happening around me? What if there are things I’m missing, like before, and I won’t realize it until later? This thought makes me feel panicked, like I’m stuck in a loop, repeating the same cycle of isolation, even when I try to break out of it.It’s like the more I think about it, the more I feel trapped, afraid to trust what I see and understand, afraid of living a life where I’m disconnected again, not noticing what’s real or what’s happening outside of my inner world. I don’t want to keep missing out or being unaware, but looks like it's not possible to be changed. That’s what terrifies me most of all.
Maybe this resonates with your experiences
I was reckless and not exactly aware of the threat. Now I'm scaring to go out and meet someone new.
then use the same internet you're using now to meet others...ill do the same as you as soon as i leave this ward
_________________
please understand my posts are universal
we...need...peace
im writing but i only understand a lil a lil later (:
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i must apologize to OP...the first thing i thought when i saw your avatar was "proud"...and tears came to my eyes but i stopped cuz men cry silently...sad or happy...or so i was told...sorry for ruining your thread...this will be my last post in this thread...btw, i skimmed through your first post yesterday and the similarities between you and me are a bit uncanny
_________________
please understand my posts are universal
we...need...peace
im writing but i only understand a lil a lil later (:
0...|...|...0
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