Talking to voices/internalized stigma

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I dont know what to do. Didn't realize I heard them until now. I just thought it was my thoughts but from another think. t's outloud. I think my medication has caused me to realize. I do talk to them involuntarily. People stare or avoid me. I thought I was hiding it. Its a lot of nonsense or having to avoid people. Playing music really loud helps. Sometimes it's people fighting about me, showing me my thoughts, walking with me.

Sometimes when I talk to them and I realize, I feel shame or can't talk for the rest of the day. I start feeling spaced out. Sometimes when there's a visual part I feel even worse. I can't move properly or do anything for the rest of the day. It's why I can't really go out alone. They're unpredictable. It can just happen even on medication. If it gets bad I get scared and will try to hide it but can't. Sometimes I wont sleep and it gets worse or I stop getting out of my room.

When it's bad I can't shower as I think my neighbour is watching me or commenting, I look for cameras everywhere, I look outside for evidence of someone watching me. I stop going into the washroom as that's where I think my neighbour can see me. I don't think they like me sometimes. It's frustrating and I can't explain to my mom why I ruined a mattress and my clothes. She'd just make me go somewhere I don't want to go.

I'm so embarrassed by my decisions and my inability to just be "normal" or even be able to talk to people properly. Everyone just thinks I'm weird in a bad way or nice but too weird to be friends with. I'm trying. I just have higher support needs than most people my age. I do love to write though. I just feel so sad sometimes that I can't be as independent as I want. But I do accept myself as it's not really my fault completely.

I am very sorry to hear about your mental health issues, Crystal. Schizophrenia is a difficult burden to bear, and it doesn't help that it affects only a small amount of the population, small enough for people in general, to sometimes misinterpret what exactly the condition entails.

I think if a lot of people had to talk to voices in their head, or had the myriad of other symptoms that you must experience as part of schizophrenia, they would struggle too.

So, like you say, it is normal for you to have higher-than-normal support needs for someone your age and also like you say, it isn't your fault.

Keep being strong, Crystal.