Trigger Warning : It was the oddest way I recall these things. Late hubby tried to touch my neck . in my late 30,s
And I recoiled and ask him not to do that anymore . And then started to relate to him. My experience in elementary school , when a bully Surprised me on purpose and knocked me to the ground .And commenced to strangling me .. It was so unexpected. I was aloner and very quiet . but she wanted to show off to her friends .
This was a Catholic school, svhool was my sanctuary of being away from a physically and emotionally abusive family.
So this was very odd , but I knew her from previous teasing in the playground which ,I ignored. It must have pissed her off.. So a physical attack became becessary to impress her friends,i guess? I just laid there , not resisting until she noticed I was not struggling to fight her,So she tried to choke harder. This caused e , in my defense,to grab the back of her neck and squeeze, Saw her face turn red, as she was trying harder to crush my windpipe. My squeeze did not affect her it seemed . But tightening the muscles in front my neck stopped her from choking me. Eventually a nun came and got her off me. After I remembered to tighten my neck muscles as before in the crib,I was able to give her a big smile
the entire time she was attempting to strangle me. Cause her efforts were in vain.
But while I was recounting the experience to my husband , my brain went into replay mode..And analytical mode.
As was explaining not wanting my neck touched . As it went back into my history,I recalled smiling at my attacker at that monent in elementary school .And then my brain went deeper to understand why the smile as part of the recall..
Then the connection happened .. From crib time at about 2-3 possibly younger. My oldest brother .Would come into the backroom , bedroom of the kidz, where my crib was. And because I was making alittle noise . gaga googoo type stuff.
He took upon hisself to try to strangle me into unconciousness ..After a few of these epidodes, I started screaming whenever he came around my crib. And if he was alone , he would immediately try to strangle me. Possibly to keep me quiet , not sure if I was being molested or not cause I was trying to breathe. Not very successfully.
Then after no help came while I was being strangled , ( ever) , as a tike , i learned to tighten the muscles in the front of the area of my wind pipe. And if ,I went quiet, eventually he would go away. .And the neck tightening worked.
So the connection came , while I was talking to my late hubby,after he touched my neck .
So that was one of my earliest memories .. And also being fed baby Apple sauce the first time, sweet and easy on the mouth to eat.While being fed by my mom. That caused smiles too.
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Diagnosed hfa
Loves velcro,
Quote:
where ever you go ,there you are