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Feel like a "nobody" because I'm still single

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chris1989
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25 Dec 2024, 4:15 pm

I had a nice Christmas with family but I still can't shake off this feeling sometimes that I am a "nobody" or "incomplete" because I've had a lot of Christmases being single and everyone around me is either married or got a partner and got kids and so on. My uncle's wife explained to everyone the good news that she and my uncle were going to have another grandchild in July because one of her daughters is pregnant. It sort of kicked off the thoughts again but I tried not to let it spoil the evening.



funeralxempire
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25 Dec 2024, 4:42 pm

Are these judgments coming from other people, or from within?


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chris1989
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25 Dec 2024, 4:55 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Are these judgments coming from other people, or from within?


Most of it is probably from within. As far as I'm aware no one has judged or asked me about relationships and meeting someone like my nan, uncle except a while ago when my dad brought it up on my birthday which just seemed to aggravate the thoughts even more and heighten anxiety about it.



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25 Dec 2024, 4:59 pm

We’re all “somebody” whether we are in a relationship or not. Relationships don’t change our inherent worth.



funeralxempire
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25 Dec 2024, 5:03 pm

chris1989 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Are these judgments coming from other people, or from within?


Most of it is probably from within. As far as I'm aware no one has judged or asked me about relationships and meeting someone like my nan, uncle except a while ago when my dad brought it up on my birthday which just seemed to aggravate the thoughts even more and heighten anxiety about it.


I'm glad to hear other people aren't contributing to these worries because that's really not something you need.

Like I've suggested before, I think you need to pushback against those sorts of thoughts when you have them.

You're not less valuable as a person because you don't have a partner.
You're not less valuable as a person because you've had one set of experiences vs. another set.
Etc.


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chris1989
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25 Dec 2024, 5:22 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
chris1989 wrote:
funeralxempire wrote:
Are these judgments coming from other people, or from within?


Most of it is probably from within. As far as I'm aware no one has judged or asked me about relationships and meeting someone like my nan, uncle except a while ago when my dad brought it up on my birthday which just seemed to aggravate the thoughts even more and heighten anxiety about it.


I'm glad to hear other people aren't contributing to these worries because that's really not something you need.

Like I've suggested before, I think you need to pushback against those sorts of thoughts when you have them.

You're not less valuable as a person because you don't have a partner.
You're not less valuable as a person because you've had one set of experiences vs. another set.
Etc.[/quote

I do struggle in some way to pushback those thoughts. I also seem to feel that from stories I've heard about birth decreases in the world and people not enough children also in some aggravates the thoughts I have about singlehood and stuff and it's the "fault" of my generation that its happening. There was a story from a certain news article where in china, they were phoning up women in their 20s and early 30s about their plans to have or not have children.



funeralxempire
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25 Dec 2024, 5:28 pm

chris1989 wrote:
I do struggle in some way to pushback those thoughts. I also seem to feel that from stories I've heard about birth decreases in the world and people not enough children also in some aggravates the thoughts I have about singlehood and stuff and it's the "fault" of my generation that its happening. There was a story from a certain news article where in china, they were phoning up women in their 20s and early 30s about their plans to have or not have children.


I'd argue a big chunk of the blame for declining birth rates can go to the people making it too expensive to own a home and raise kids, rather than the people impacted by that situation.

But beyond that, it's not your personal fault for not producing offspring.

Also, in a broad sense it's good to practise pushing back against our own maladaptive ways of thinking when they're recognized.


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25 Dec 2024, 8:29 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
chris1989 wrote:
I do struggle in some way to pushback those thoughts. I also seem to feel that from stories I've heard about birth decreases in the world and people not enough children also in some aggravates the thoughts I have about singlehood and stuff and it's the "fault" of my generation that its happening. There was a story from a certain news article where in china, they were phoning up women in their 20s and early 30s about their plans to have or not have children.


I'd argue a big chunk of the blame for declining birth rates can go to the people making it too expensive to own a home and raise kids, rather than the people impacted by that situation.

But beyond that, it's not your personal fault for not producing offspring.

Also, in a broad sense it's good to practise pushing back against our own maladaptive ways of thinking when they're recognized.


Not everyone wants to go through the process of pregnancy and childbirth due to many reasons like fear of pain or complications

That is my situation

Plus I do not know if I am truly ready to raise children and all the responsibility that comes with that!! !



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25 Dec 2024, 9:32 pm

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
Not everyone wants to go through the process of pregnancy and childbirth due to many reasons like fear of pain or complications

That is my situation

Plus I do not know if I am truly ready to raise children and all the responsibility that comes with that!! !


I don't have the emotional maturity to raise offspring.

No one should feel any obligation to personally produce offspring.


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25 Dec 2024, 9:40 pm

funeralxempire wrote:
Mikurotoro92 wrote:
Not everyone wants to go through the process of pregnancy and childbirth due to many reasons like fear of pain or complications

That is my situation

Plus I do not know if I am truly ready to raise children and all the responsibility that comes with that!! !


I don't have the emotional maturity to raise offspring.

No one should feel any obligation to personally produce offspring.


Neither do I but it's a learned skill

Meaning that you can learn emotional maturity

The first step is for me to be around more babies and actually get hands-on with them



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25 Dec 2024, 9:43 pm

Spending time with babies and even babysitting them is nothing compared to the challenges of being a parent - the sleepless nights, the problems that come up, and meeting their many, many needs every single day for years. It’s really hard and not just for parents with their own issues, like autism.



Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 25 Dec 2024, 10:56 pm, edited 2 times in total.

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25 Dec 2024, 9:45 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:
We’re all “somebody” whether we are in a relationship or not. Relationships don’t change our inherent worth.

Yes, also getting in a relationship with the wrong person just because you're feeling pressure can end disastrously. I remember being on the bus one time with a woman that a few weeks later was shot to death by her stalker ex. And, then there's folks that get trapped in an abusive marriage for the rest of their lives and wind up being miserably for decades.

Really, it's unfortunate in some ways that people have a biological clock in terms of having kids as it can put pressure on people to do stupid stuff to get to have kids and potentially miss red flags that they would otherwise notice.



Mikurotoro92
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25 Dec 2024, 11:12 pm

MatchboxVagabond wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
We’re all “somebody” whether we are in a relationship or not. Relationships don’t change our inherent worth.

Yes, also getting in a relationship with the wrong person just because you're feeling pressure can end disastrously. I remember being on the bus one time with a woman that a few weeks later was shot to death by her stalker ex. And, then there's folks that get trapped in an abusive marriage for the rest of their lives and wind up being miserably for decades.

Really, it's unfortunate in some ways that people have a biological clock in terms of having kids as it can put pressure on people to do stupid stuff to get to have kids and potentially miss red flags that they would otherwise notice.


Relationships and ESPECIALLY marriages can be very risky & high-stakes for those reasons!

Which is why I am not rushing into things with David



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26 Dec 2024, 9:58 am

I've read a bit of your post Chris & I think you mostly want a relationship due to peer pressure & feeling guilty for not being what society seems to expect. That's a horrible reason to get in a relationship & is very unfair to your potential partner.


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Last edited by nick007 on 26 Dec 2024, 12:20 pm, edited 2 times in total.

MatchboxVagabond
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26 Dec 2024, 11:50 am

Mikurotoro92 wrote:
MatchboxVagabond wrote:
TwilightPrincess wrote:
We’re all “somebody” whether we are in a relationship or not. Relationships don’t change our inherent worth.

Yes, also getting in a relationship with the wrong person just because you're feeling pressure can end disastrously. I remember being on the bus one time with a woman that a few weeks later was shot to death by her stalker ex. And, then there's folks that get trapped in an abusive marriage for the rest of their lives and wind up being miserably for decades.

Really, it's unfortunate in some ways that people have a biological clock in terms of having kids as it can put pressure on people to do stupid stuff to get to have kids and potentially miss red flags that they would otherwise notice.


Relationships and ESPECIALLY marriages can be very risky & high-stakes for those reasons!

Which is why I am not rushing into things with David

There's a certain irony there because just about anybody can have a successful marriage, if both people put in the effort, but it just takes one spoiled self-entitled jerk to ruin everything, and they're generally well aware that they need to hide that up front.



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26 Dec 2024, 4:04 pm

I'm still single in my 70s and don't feel like a nobody. I enjoy not being dragged to events and to stores that I have no desire to visit.

You should remember the definition of a bachelor: Someone who has never made the same mistake once.


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