I am currently taking too much from people. I share too much, put bait out there, and then get upset when other people confront me. People think they have to remind me about simple stuff, and then when I am doing things that I don't need to be reminded about any more, they think they need to remind me. Sometimes people say I even have a problem with wiping my butt or other various self-care problems.
This leads to me taking advantage of other people. They accuse me of jealousy, self-centeredness, egocentrism, and more. I argue I'm not that complex of a creature to really read my own emotions. Maybe I am jealous, self-centered, egocentric, etc.
When people want to give me an outlet, I sometimes (frequently) won't give them an outlet. Some part of me thinks that I need to manage friendships better. Maybe there are certain topics that need to be discussed, other don't. Today, one of my friends, a widow, asked me if she could share things with me on telegram, like she used to with her husband. I told her that telegram was a problem. I did not think of her needs to fill the void left by her dead husband, just like I need to fill the void left by her dead husband, which was my best friend. To be fair, I did respond too quickly to her email and did not read the whole thing. But this was my stupidity, not hers.
I feel I am reacting too quickly and putting my needs first before anyone else's needs, while at the same time also laying traps to "snare" people in and take too much of their time and drying up their own time and preventing them from being as productive as they want to be in their own lives. This is especially true of that widow, who needs to really clean her house and mind and get on with her life (and I don't mean that in a nasty, negative way).
Confrontation also causes some of these problems. When I am confronted or corrected, the nasty problems above come out. Innocent bystanders are caught in my stress reactions. I am currently attending Intensive Inpatient Therapy, but I seriously wonder if perhaps these behaviors can't be corrected, and I am a lost cause. I hope someone here can give me hope.
I'm not sure how to manage this and always be mindful. The way I'm learning about mindfulness, is there is an emotional brain and a logical brain. When the emotional brain comes out, all of the nasty behavior traits and stuff I mentioned above comes out. Self-care falters, and generally speaking, I have a psychosis. Sometimes, this is accompanied by a panic attack that sends me to the ER in search of a way to calm down. If I can't pull myself out of the psychosis, panic attacks and the like happen. I get nasty, and sometimes I don't know if the psychosis is happening or not. The simplest thing, like being triggered about a memory of my dead friend, can send me for a loop and make me want to cry.
On the other hand, I do have a need to share about my life. I'd love to share my grieving process, and tell people about how productive I am being, or trying to be. But the person I mentioned above may not be the person to share my details any more, especially if I am wrong -- she jumps on me when I am wrong, and sometimes I just need to be allowed to state my beliefs or interpretations without being criticized. However, she is good for a status check and seeing how I'm doing to make sure I'm not lapsing into bad habits, which I currently am. The mere memory of something intense or emotional with my dead friend/her dead husband will send me reeling into psychosis mode.
It's a 10-week intensive training program, and I'm seeing glimmers around the edges, but then I see myself step back and fall. Hard.
Is there hope for me? Are there any recurrent themes that I should ask my psychologist about? Or do I just give up and resign myself to the fact that my flaws are never going to get better?
04 Jan 2025, 10:40 pm
