If only the pain within...

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Was matched by the pain without. People do things to make their pain materialize. Thats not my scene, but sometimes I really feel like getting hurt. Like doing something extreme. Maybe bust through a wall like the cool aid man, only for real.


My life is, so very interesting, yet so borring. Can I really do something about any of the stuff that goes wrong? Not really. I could freak out on people. Or I could smack people for the slightest insult. When people insult me, I usually ignore it. But I want to walk right up to them and smack it out of them. I take insults very personally... I try not to, but all I can ever do is dwell on these things.


I ask some girl that works in a kitchen at the nursing home I work with a simple question... She was making some kind of soup, I asked where something was. She turned around gave me a speech about not sneaking up on people and then began to tell me that I am really creepy. I wasn't breathing down her neck, I wasn't uncomfortably close, I wasn't in my opinion doing anything weird. She's just one of those people that doesn't pay attention to what goes on around them... Yet it really bothers me.


I hear people talking about me often... There never too far away. Somehow people think because your around a corner or theres more then ten feet away from you that you can't hear them talk about you. Over the past few days I've overheard several conversations about me. Most of them are about how I'm creepy, or weird. No one ever says it to my face, that just makes it worse.


If someone has a problem with me they should just come out and say it. Sure, I would probably get fired after getting in a fight but... Why do people have to do this? They smile to your face, and thirty seconds later just when they think your out of ear shot they start talking about you and your weirdness.


Everyone seems to think I'm weird or creepy. Everyone but my friends. I don't have a lot, in fact right now I may only have one.


I feel like a foreigner. About half of my co-workers weren't born here... They talk to each other in their own language. They leave everybody else out of it. Sure, at least if it was spanish (I know a little, and if most of my co-workers spoke it I might bother to learn). I feel like a foreigner, that doesn't have any of his own kind around him.


Is what I'm really trying to say is I'm lonely once again. I keep having recurring dreams, two different ones. One is women I used to care about (different ones over the course of my life)... They'd be with me somewhere, and we'd be having a great time... We would have a serious conversation explaining whatever happened that led us apart and why things are different now... Wake up really upset when I find out its all just a dream. It rotates between several different women I used to know. I'm not on speaking terms with any of them (all for things they did to me). I could never go back to these women... They all did something to personally hurt me, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm lonely... Its like salt in the wound.


The other recurring dream... I keep having dreams that I work with the mafia. I don't know of any local gangs or mafia's... My city has very little crime, were practically free of that stuff. I've never known anyone who has real gang or mafia affiliation. A lot of people pretend to because its "cool", but there arn't any real gangs in my area. So why do I have this dream? In one of them the mob boss got me a present... Bleach bluning strips. Strips that bleach your teeth blue. The blue teeth thing was actually pretty cool. The downside was that you could really see when your teeth were dirty (I don't know if I can explain it, all the food was a lighter color and the teeth shined well when clean).


It seems like more and more all I feel is pain...


"Sunshine wouldn't be so beautiful if it wasn't for the Rain, pleasure wouldn't feel so good if it wasn't for the Pain"


I'm in a lot of pain. I'm confused, lonely, afraid, angry, scared... Is this typical of the human condition? Or am I malfunctioning...

I can totally relate with so much of what you wrote. It definitely feels like I'm malfunctioning.

I was a foreigner every where i went even though i was born here. it's the nature of autism, we are foreign to THEM.

Maybe wear a shoe that people can hear you coming or make a noise when you enter a room. generally people do find us creepy or weird or scary. "Creep" is our anthem you know! just sing it for them.

I feel like I have to force myself to express my depression too! the problem with depression is that people who are really desperately depressed will appear the opposite, because they're doing all this "happy" stuff to stimulate themselves and save their souls.


You really do need to start smacking the insults out of them. Cummon, smack them up and then announce hat you're their new leader.

No, I don't think you're malfunctioning. I think it is part of the human condition. Life hurts sometimes. I'm sorry you feel so bad. But I think it's good that you can express the way you feel. It's got to be a positive thing, right? I find life/people...so complicated most of the time. Over-complicated.

That's been my mantra throughout my life Iruka. Yes! Why don't they just do that for goodness sake?




Ana54, you do make me laugh, even though I'm depressed! So, so true.

That is what state I am in often. To me it feels like to pretend to be happy will magically make it so! I think this so often, but it never works. Expressing depression does take some ooomph - to get over the inertia and the lethargy that it creates. But I do agree that it helps to express it if possible. I wish someone would invent a scream-and-throw-a-wobbler room, soundproofed, where people could go and let of steam and throw plates. I'd pay a lot of money for ten minutes in one of those.