Catharsis Post - Realizing you you have changed

Post Reply New Topic

I was supposed to start my first contracting job today. Where I am located we have already received up to 4 to 5 inches of snow. I started having bad anxiety last night but at the same time I came to a revelation. The person I was 6 months ago is no longer the person I am. At the same time though while I am saddened and grieved by that fact, I am left also with a feeling of acceptance. People and circumstances sometimes change. Rather than fighting it you have to begin to accept it. A big part of the change is where I am in my mental health. I am simply not doing well and that is ok. I think I wanted to ignore that fact or not acknowledge it. Another part of that change is not knowing where I am at in terms of my career. My first real job was as an Accounting Assistant 16 years ago. It gave me a start when I felt like I had no direction after failing out of college. I got some wonderful experience after that job in different positions learning more about the accounting field and also growing socially.

Somewhere along the way in my last job probably after the first audit I experienced in October of 2023, my mental health began to change. The pressure of perfection and drive to constantly excel began to wear on me. I started having panic attacks at work in my office. At first it wasn't many but then they grew more and more. The stress of the position was taking a toll on me and I wanted to ignore it and not see what was happening. It culminated in me going into the one area of my life that I always struggled with and could temporarily heal my pain but ended up being what cost me my job. Afterwards ignoring my situation I tried to jump right back in the job market. I applied for positions which were an hour away. I thought in my head "This is not a big deal". "I can do this commute fine". After being offered five different jobs and not accepting I am now reaching the conclusion "I can't right now". Not being able to commute far will limit my job prospects but I have to admit my limitations. I tried to ignore that numerous times and couldn't admit it to myself.

Upon reflection and realizing the different person I am now I realize that my career path that I thought would be maybe no longer makes sense and it's time to start exploring what makes sense for me. I also am beginning to acknowledge this may mean a return to a retail job temporarily for a while. A fact I did not want to accept due to previous fears I had to returning to the retail world after being away for many years (I started out in retail as my first job). I do not know where my mental health will go. I pray it can improve but have to also accept where I currently am and realize that "it is ok".

First off, it's ok not be ok. I'm not saying working retail is fun (done it myself) but maybe you need a break from accounting? trying to go for jobs that are an hour away from where you live doesn't make a lot of sense IMO. Being in the car 2 hours a day, traffic, bad winter weather, and having to get up very early. More trouble than it's worth IMO.

For the last 20 years, I've done warehouse work, started when I was 24, I am 44 now (almost 45). Is it paradise, by no means and believe me I STRUGGLE. However, I don't have to deal with the public and am not stuck in an office 10-12 hours a day. I'm not suggesting this but what I am saying is, maybe you need something that isn't so mentally strenuous at least for awhile.

Growing up is hard, my late 30s was hard too as I went through a big burn out then. I'm into middle age now and I still don't know all the answers.

Do keep us posted on how things are going.

Thank you, King Kat! I actually thought about warehouse work and appreciate you sharing with me! I have a friend who lives nearby that does it and he seems to like it alot. I'd like to be able to do the hour commute but just don't know if I can mentally handle it. I keep thinking back to when I was 20's and driving that far wasn't an issue. It seems like anxiety changed so many things. I think I was experiencing burnout in my last job. I think I might need a break from accounting. I appreciate your kindness, King Kat and will keep everyone posted

I think you have an aversion to commuting and I do, too. Driving is not a lot of fun for me, I tend to avoid it. I would recommend that you decide first of all what you want to do. It sounds like you are giving up on your job, and you want to do something different. If that is indeed the case, then you need to start imagining the future, thinking about what tomorrow will be like and what a different job will be like.

I run movies in my mind all the time of the future and what will occur based on my choices. It is helpful to avoid mistakes. However, it is also true sometimes you have to just act. When it comes down to it, any job is better than no job. This is because we have to eat. Also, I believe every job has the potential to teach us something about ourselves. Even a lousy experience is an experience, and we can learn from that.

Subtract emotion - subtract opinions - examine the situation under a microscope - take notes - publish results in your brain.

Thank you Gentlemen Argentum! I kind of have an inversion now too commuting far distance. I can do a half hour commute or so ok. Mostly what gets me is the anxiety and fear of having a panic attack while far away on the road. I think it stems from the first major panic attack I had which was on the highway. A part of me dosen't want to give up on Accounting but I don't know if currently it works for me anymore. Imagining the future is a good idea and one I have been sort of doing thinking about what I would like to do.

I absolutely agree too that any job is better than no job at all. I might go back to Retail or explore Warehouse positions. I have thought about them a good bit. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me! It really helps