Not fully grown up

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This is how I feel. Life is too much for me. I struggle to take care of myself, book doctor appointments, remember to buy clothes etc. I get clothes from my mom because luckily she has a very rich friend, who buys too much and I take everything that fits me happily. Sometimes my husband reminds me I could buy already something new or that I wear the same thing for a week or two and it’s time to change. Also when I go shopping I tend to buy always same things even if I don’t need them and need something else instead. Even I always have the shopping list, I’m gonna somehow skip the pasta because it’s not something I buy everyday. I graduated and work as a warehouse clerk in a hardware store. This is the maximum I can. I often hear that I’m so intelligent, educated, good in computer, speak few languages. And still fail. In the past I had massive problems with my hygiene, but now I shower everyday I made it my routine. On one hand I hear it’s wonderful to have vast inner world as I have, on other hand I feel it’s not wonderful at all to be disconnected from the outside world. I also feel not fully grown up in social situations, it’s hard to keep up with chaotic group conversations and I struggle to say my opinion (if I have any) or to stand up for myself if needed. Do I often end up abused.

I’m sorry if this topic was already discussed in this forum before. I would be grateful for any tips if anyone here has similar experience to mine.

I shower everyday I made it my routine.

Your statement illustrates one tactic to use to exert control over something that causes anxiety. If one sees Apsergers as a neurological variant that results in a faster, more sensitive, or more complex neurology, one would expect that children with this intensified inner life would be presented with an avalanche of sensory and cognitive data to try to process.

One would expect developmental delays as a child tries to resolve the anxieties this would produce. Simple withdrawal would be an early tactic to reduce the flow of anxiety producing encounters. Some people even develop habits of self harm to find a way to feel that they have some control in their lives.

I was at a business conference once and at the motel I was playing cards with a couple of other attendees. One had been in the Navy and had worked in communications so he was familiar with Morse code. We had left the TV on in the background and there was a movie which suddenly had an audio portion that played what was supposed to be Morse code. The guy instantly detected it and in just a second or two dismissed it as "garbage" and returned to playing cards.

To me this incident has always been iconic of being presented with information and quickly discarding that which is useless.Those of us with Aspergers can benefit from developing the skills to similarly evaluate and discard the information we receive that is not useful, even the information we may generate internally.

There are two free pdf booklet that might be of interest "Aspergers - An Intentional Life" anad "Asperger Parenting"

http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... e_2017.pdf

http://christianpioneer.com/blogarchiev ... g%20v2.pdf

Thank you it’s helpful!

You've mentioned a number of different things, so for now I'll just focus on one thing and talk about that in detail - chaotic conversations.

I've noticed that neurotypicals do have chaotic conversations. They seem happy with that. I think Aspies just have a thinking style that's more in-depth, and it'll never be much fun for us to join in with those shallow conversations where the subject keeps changing. By the time I've thought of something to say, the moment has gone and they're talking about something quite different. I've found it slightly helpful to stick to smaller groups - just one person is best. That way, things are more simple and I get more of a chance to say something and to be heard. A large group is not usually a good listener.

Even with another Aspie it can be quite difficult because Aspies often only want to talk about what they're personally interested in, and we do this data-dumping where we can talk away for a long time without thinking that the other person wants their turn. I'm not very good at listening to whatever the other person happens to say. I get tired and can't focus on it for very long. It's easier when they've written it down so that I can take all the time I need to absorb what they've said. I think the only way it works otherwise is when both people have a lot of self-discipline and really work at having a good reciprocal conversation. Even then, if both people aren't especially interested in the subject, it's difficult. It's quite hurtful to notice that the other person isn't really listening or not really interested. It's easy to start thinking that they just don't care, but in the case of Aspies it's a brain-wiring thing, it's really much harder to take an interest in random subjects quickly enough to keep up in a verbal conversation.

I'm not sure it's really a matter of not being fully grown up. I think Aspies are just different to neurotypicals in their thinking style. I suspect that the Aspie thinking style may actually be considered to be more mature, but neurotypicals might not see it that way.

The conversation issue, you described perfectly, is only one of the reasons I feel not fully grown up. I also have stress issues, I cry at work if it’s too much going on, too many people wanting something from me and I can’t process all that. Before I used to hide in bathrooms cry and slap my own face, telling myself that I’m s***t because I can’t take it like others do, just easy. The therapy helps me, accepting it helps me, but I also need a solution to not lose my job. The boss told me they are happy with me, because I’m hardworking, reliable and I keep it in order, but I still fear I will lose it. I used to lose jobs because of not being able to be the team player, not making proper eye contact with customers, not being able to make small talk etc. I was told i don’t fit, I have to try hard, it’s not a job for me etc. I graduated logistics, I’m good with PC (AutoCAD, photoshop, ms office) speak 3 foreign languages on B2-C1 levels (Russian English and German) and the maximum I can get is being a warehouse clerk with the lowest salary and still fear losing this one. I can’t get driver license due to sensory processing, panic attacks etc. so I even failed in retail I just feel like a big failure. And the fact that I have issues managing my own private life is not helping. I don’t have autism diagnosis and I’m not sure if I ever get it, if this is the correct diagnosis for me (my therapist suggested it is) and feel like it fits. I also have no Friends. It’s hard to meet someone if it’s not in my routine. And I don’t know anyone here. I had some experience with other aspie. Yes, it is like that the other one is not or appears yo not be listening, but we had fun anyway. This guy’s special interest was Japanese and mine was Russian. When I entered the room (we used to often have breaks at work together) he said a word in Japanese and I asked him what it means, he translated to polish, then I translated this word to Russian. Funny thing (I think) is that he himself shared with me he has Asperger, I at that time had Tourette diagnosis (now proved to be wrong) so I in response told him it’s ok I have Tourette. Then he laughed that we are company with syndromes. We promised each other to not disclose to anyone in the company. Even if it was only him talking about Japan the whole break it was more pleasant for me that having to pretend that I can take part in a small talk and that I enjoy it.

Meltdowns may look like childish tantrums, but the difference is that a tantrum is an attempt to get something, while a meltdown just happens. I was lucky while I was working because it never got quite bad enough to give me a meltdown, though there was a time when I had to take time off because of stress, and every time there was the slightest hint that somebody wasn't happy about my performance, I felt in danger of losing my job. That's a common ASD thing.

One of the best things about retiring was that I was no longer afraid of being dismissed. And the main reason I got diagnosed was to make it more difficult for them to fire me, even though my employer's disciplinary procedures had strong safeguards to ensure that a worker wouldn't lose their job without first getting a number of warnings. I'd never even had an official warning about my conduct, so I was a long way from being dismissed. Yet I was afraid of that happening. I've heard of Aspies being late for work by a few minutes and expecting to lose their jobs. I knew my feelings were irrational but they wouldn't go away. I was fine as long as there was nothing around that could possibly look like a threat to my job security, but the slightest little thing would scare me.

I find it helpful to keep track of doctor appointments with a One Year Calendar on the refrigerator.
I will look at the calendar when I cook stuff and see what I need to do that day.

I had meltdowns when I was recovering from a catastrophic illness and was easily stressed to my limits.
It may be possible to sense when you are doing too much.
Sometimes a store will be very busy. When I see that I will turn around and come back later!

I definitely have had similar experiences in my life; some past, some not so much so, and I'm still lost in my thoughts almost all the time.. Hygiene is something I have always had difficulty with to varying degrees throughout my life. On my own and without reminders I can forget to shower or change clothes for several days because of getting lost in my thoughts. When I worked it was easy to remember because of the repetitiveness of my schedule; get up, shower, and go to work each day. Now every day is the same day to my mind so I had to set myself a reminder in my phone for every other day.

Clothes aren't that important to me other than for their warmth and because of social modesty, so I tend to wear the same pile of clothes wash after wash. My friends take me to the closest outlet mall once a month where I sometimes buy a piece of clothing on sale that I like to keep the pile replenished and renewed over time. Other than that I only buy clothes when absolutely needed and only when on sale. Bulk socks and underwear I buy during yearly crazy x-mas sales when they are usually BOGO or the equivalent. I do care about the shoes I wear, but again only because of the functionality. I order my favorite brand online from company site, when on sale, for the most part though I have bought a few pair at an outdoor store.

I have to fend for myself when it comes to paying bills and buying food, luckily I have had the opportunity to live around and with others in the past who helped teach me how to create and maintain a basic control over my money supply. I set a monthly reminder in my phone for paying rent online, which is one of the only things that isn't set to automatic. Utilities and internet are part of my rent, so my only other expenses that I have are food, entertainment, and any other of the incidentals of life. The few entertainment apps I have subscriptions to are all auto-pay and designed by me to transact around first week of month with other big monthly expenditures so easier for me to maintain a balanced budget for the rest of the month.

As I cook for myself I find shopping both easy and an annoying chore. I have trouble focusing on reality long and hard enough to cook a complex, big meal so I usually end up cooking once a week and eating lots of leftovers until I get sick of whatever it is or cooking something in the air-fryer.

After high school I got into financial trouble and needed to make some money quick, and legal, to pay my debt so I answered a newspaper ad and went to work on a fishing boat. I fell in love with that life with all its structure and chaos so worked as a commercial fisherman for almost 12 years in the Bering Sea. Unfortunately nothing lasts forever and I eventually was coerced into giving up my fishing career, which I regretted afterwards for a long time. The fishing world was simple and direct in what it was and how it worked to me; I always knew my role and responsibility there and never felt lost or confused when out to sea. Working on land, for me, was and is nothing at all like being a fisherman. On the boat your work spoke for itself, and you. On land your work was almost never allowed to speak for you, unless it was bad. If it was good it was almost always taken by a 'superior' and presented as theirs, so they got the praise and the raise while you got...

I have 3 different college degrees of varying levels, yet it was next to impossible for me to get offered any well paying jobs after I got past around 40. As a fisherman I was deck boss for several years on 3 different boats; I also worked as an assistant engineer for over a year on another boat. I had enough documented sea time for a captains license on small boats, a first mate on others and an unlimited deckhand globally if I had pursued, but that is another story. I was treated with respect I earned through my work as a fisherman, the same can never be said for any work I ever did on land. I had 1 good job through ITT drafting school that lasted about 2.5 years, after that it was a string of mostly menial labor or convenience store cashier jobs.

I tried college and got a great education, I was just never able to translate that into a job other that as a cashier multiple times. In hindsight I understand why somewhat but back then it was mental agony trying to figure out a way to find a way to survive in a world I couldn't understand while trying to not drown in debt or getting in trouble for something stupid I said or did that violated some arbitrary rule that seemed made up half the time. Back then I knew nothing about the truth about what was going on in my brain, I only knew what the world assumed which wasn't typically very flattering.

Today I reap the benefits of working so many menial labor jobs and beating up my body on fishing boats, I get disability for permanent lower back damage so don't have to give a darn about what anyone else says or wants unless I choose. I have to live a frugal life but for the most part it's a fairly happy life now without stress or worry other than the basics of daily life and avoiding the growing insanity of the world around me.