I’m looking forward to the day I get to die.

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Let me first say that I’m not suicidal in anyway and I certainly don’t plan on roping myself anytime soon. But I’m also not afraid to say that I’m looking forward to the day I die. I’ll be happy when I get to escape this place and move on with something else. I’m only 30 but I look and feel like I’m 60. I’m mentally and emotionally tired. I knew life was going to have its up’s and down’s and I’d be happy with the up’s while I do the best I can with the down’s. Instead my life has been one of 100 down’s for 1 small up each time and honestly I didn’t sign up for it.

I had dreams in my life like everyone. I had my dream job that I wanted and thought I was on the right path. Turns out I was wrong and I realized it too late. Because of it, I decided to give up on it and all .Instead I have a stable but dead end job and I can’t afford to change it. There aren’t many positions like mine and I’m probably one of the higher paid people in the position as well. If I quit it, I have to take a decent pay cut from my next one. So I’ve given up on what I wanted to do and now stuck in a dead end.

I also dreamed about owning a house. It didn’t have to be a mansion but a decent sized house. 2 bed, 2 bath, 2 garage, etc. Obviously this all costs big time money but I figured I’d make it due to my dream job. But like my dream job, I’ve given up on the idea of having my own house. While I make ok money, it’s not enough to be owning a home anytime soon. Since I’m stuck in a dead end job, I’ll be living my life in apartments forever since it’s the only thing I can afford to do. It may sound nice for some for here but it wasn’t what my dream was and because of that, its sad to me.

Now I did think that I’d be in a relationship one day. That I believed that someone was out there for everyone and if it didn’t happen during when I thought it would, it’ll happen afterwards. That’s not to say I felt like I was entitled but more so of believing I would one day. What I discovered was the exactly opposite. I realized that I was simply undesirable by all and was forced to give this up. I’ll never get to experience what it’s like hugging, kissing, doing activities, cuddling, etc with a SO. To add insult to injury this, I’ll never know what it’s like to go on a date or even have a woman flirt with me. I’ve never been on a first date. Shoot I’ve never even had a woman flirt with me or even be interested in me. I think the biggest reasons for this is due the curse of Asperger’s and my very below average looks as well. These two things played a major factor into the death sentence of my love life. I realized that I was just too ugly and weird for anyone and now truly believe there isn’t someone out there for everyone. It doesn’t help how everyone else around me found success except me.

All of this has left me heartbroken and at the same time, all of this has left me angry as well. Angry at the fact that this is how my life turned out. Angry at the fact that’s its too late to fix it and if not, it’d take 10+ years just for a major potential up in my life. And I just don’t have the mental and emotional fortitude to go through something like that. But I’m not allowed to express that anger in anyway without the fear of being called something I’m not. So I have to hide my anger and never let it publicly be shown.

I do have good things in my life. I have a very loving family and they are the only reason why I continue to stay alive. I won’t let my parents bury me due to an intentional death. I’ve been able to travel as well which is nice and also having the money to make ends meet. So with all of that, I’ll just continue with coping and accepting on how the rest of my life will go. Someone will say I’m doing a self fulfilling prophecy but in truth, this was always going to be my life. It was set in stone due to my Asperger’s and very below average looks.
At the end of it that’s my life will go and I have to accept it. It’s just very hard to live this life and I will be very happy on the day I get to die.