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I don't really have anywhere or anyone to ask what I can't get out of my mind, so please forgive me if this is inappropriate.
Trigger warning perhaps

I have recently become aware of my autism. I've had pretty severe PTSD always.
I have been no contact with my parents for 12 years save for a couple recent emails - I'm in my 50s.
The autism awareness has brought new things to light for me - like perhaps I am more rigid in my beliefs than I should be.
But these people hurt me a lot over the years, including trying to murder me for crying too much as an infant.

I don't want to word this poorly - I don't blame myself because I'm autistic, but am feeling empathy towards them because I likely wasn't easy.

I've never known anything except through trauma lenses- ever. I know I've spent my life being terrified of my mother - I know I am now consumed with remorse over how that must have made her feel.
I felt justified rejecting them because of my pretty severe ptsd, but now it comes with a sadness recognizing how I must have made them feel.

Is it my stubbornness that keeps me from reconnecting with them? (they have asked)
Or am I being wise to not put myself in a position with very hurtful people?

I'm also becoming aware of some gifts from my autism - I think I have a real compassion at times for example.
I've forgiven them, but that makes me feel obligated to reconnect with them, or at least that that has to be the next step.
I'm trying to allow myself to believe that maybe some things are too big to come back from - even if there is real forgiveness.

I don't expect anyone is comfortable or in a spot to say to do one thing or the other, but it would be cool if anyone could understand what is going on inside my head for maybe 10 hours each day