desire to be a hikki

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i want to be a hikikomori because everyone in this world is at least a little rotten. they say "oh, i'll support you!" then turn their backs once i get a little too bad. even if they love and support me, eventually they will rot and hate me. the best way to avoid abandonment from those i love is to abandon them first and retreat to my own personal haven, where nobody can leave me or meet me.
i know the hikki life isn't a life to desire, that it's full with suffering. but, sometimes i just wanna get worse because no matter how bad i get, i think "this isn't enough to be valid"
off topic: for some reason it's hard to read this font lol

i'm gonna be honest.

neet life/hikki life is fine.... for like a few weeks. Not having responsibilities and being able to do what you want, when you want is fun. You feel like you can breathe a bit. Nothing is pushing down at you.

However, it gets old. REALLY fast. You're doing the same thing, over and over and over until you get bored, find something else that stimulating, and then you get into the cycle again. Even with how our brains are wired, I think we still seek some kind of communication from other people whether it is on a forum website or through something else. We desire that interaction.

Also, being a hikki while broke? Not fun. I had a lot of anxiety when it came to paying rent/bills because I knew that at some point all my money would be gone and I would have to force myself to work. That also gave me so much anxiety You get so used to being in a small space that you sort of...regress. Going to the store? Feels like it's the hardest thing in the world. Interacting with people? Death sentence. I think I still have some remnants of this behavior that I can't undone, and it's been a few years since I broke out of the neet life.

If you're on an autistic forum saying that "man I would like to get worse", I think that constitutes that you are struggling with something even if you don't feel like you are. There isn't any competition of who suffers the most. We are all suffering regardless.

Even if you have people abandon you, you still have yourself. You're still alive, you're still kicking. You also seem like you're pretty young, so you have more than enough time to strive for something good, even if life has dealt you sh***y cards. A lot of it is trial and error, and it's going to suck, but eventually you find something that works out. If you already have people treating you poorly because you're displaying negative traits, I wouldn't want to be around them anyway. Why waste the energy appeasing people who are going to turn your back on you.

I think it is possible to enjoy social withdrawal. I mean, especially for people on the autistic spectrum or people with schizoid personality disorder or other related issues.

Like HT said though, having no money whilst being hikkimori isn't fun and is likely to induce anxiety for at least some people in that situation.

I don't mind love or not, abandonment or not, or whatever else. It's when they make their promises, I get attached, used to their support, make plans considering their involvement, then it's abruptly taken away without any regard whatsoever. Now I have to make sense of the whole thing, wonder what I missed, readjust to losing the support without support, wonder if I am even capable of assessing what is real, constantly on guard trying to assess people intentions, etc. I would never have a problem with someone telling me that they are not interested in further supporting me or whatever else, but give some time for the adjustment. This immediate removal while they had all the time they wanted to prepare their situation and support since they knew they were leaving all along is straight selfish af.

It's like your house is fine except it has one corner held up by a thing you need to repair weekly and is quite vulnerable to wind, so you have to spend lot of effort maintaining it. Along comes someone and says that if they live there with you, you guys can used their super strong support beam that never needs maintenance. In fact, throw your flimsy one way because you don't need it. You're suspicious, so you hold on to yours for a few weeks until you believe them, then throw it out. You live your life thinking your house is fine. Suddenly, they tell you they found another house and are taking their beam with them. Good luck! What?? Wait. I gotta figure out the house support. Nope. That's your bad. You should have known that they were just "being nice". But if you would have kept your flimsy support, they would have gotten upset that you didn't believe them.

I think this is one of those things that NTs are all knowingly lying to each other about. They all pretend they mean they're staying together, but they all know it's a made up truth, which is temporary. We happen to believe it for real, so we are the ones that get hurt.