anyone with AS feel there is no real connection w/ parents?

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I feel my Mom and other reltives don't really love me. I don't feel that connection. My mom says she does, but I feel she raised me and took care of me mainly out of social oblgation. If she does not say she loves me and raised me good, she would feel like a bad person. I don't feel like there is a real connection my my mom or other relitives. I feel I have a connection with my friends and people I work with becuse of shared experences. I tell my mom I love her because thats what she wants to hear, not because I really do and I'm just playing the game like all the other NTs do to appear socially acceptable.
Anyone else with AS feel this way?

Also, I don't feel a need to try and have a connection with her or anyone else in my family.

Growing up in a household where us kids had zero rights plainly sucked. If we spoke up, we were told "not to talk back". So yeah, I didn't really LOVE my mom even though I repeated the same lines just so she wouldn't have anything more to get on my case about.

It took years to really figure out that I could love someone deep down but not like them. As much as she gets on my nerves, even to this day, I now know she is trying to do what in her heart is right. I don't mean that to sound sappy but it is the intention that counts.

Yes. However, its because my mom was very physically and emotionallly abusive. My dad is just a plain idiot so I don't feel his neglect (ie never having any food in the house) was intentional. For those reasons, and others, I've no connection whatsoever with my family. At most I usually only go home for Christmas and Easter, and I usually skip Easter (skipped christmas once to but then went back for a funeral the first week in January). A couple months ago I sent my mom an email that told her directly, I not only didn't love her, I don't like her.

However, my boyfriend has a wonderful connection with his mom. I can see how his dad cares about him, but I don't think he sees it in the sme way because his dad is very vocal about his beliefs on things that he feels shouldn't be done, which run counter to my bf's beliefs on what should be done.

I feel no real connection with them. I need to be away from them for a long time right now. I'll always have an attachment to the good parts of them and the good times that we had, and that's it.

When living with my parents, I had no connection to them. When I was little yes, but around 9 or so i was very distant and remained that way until I moved out. after I moved, I have a stronger bond with them, I love them, and they love me. We are very different, but thats all good. I felt like such an unwanted guest growing up kinda sometimes in that house, but now I look back and yes, I was difficult and not affectionate at all, but I know that was not the case.

wow, we are probably freaking out the Parent's Discussion board, but I never could understand my parents loved me. I am not sure if I did love them, I sometimes missed them after they passed, but I had such a hard life with them I was mostly relieved they were gone and I didn't have to deal with them any more.

I know they 'did the best they could' but by most standards, it was a piss poor job.

Merle

Yes, I do feel like this.
I don't feel a "mother-daughter" bond that is expected to be felt. That may sound harsh, but its the truth and I wish it were not.

I never really looked at my parents as 'parents' until I turned 12 and said, hey wait...these are parents? It's really weird but I was merely co-existing rather than knowing I had a bond with anybody. I always lived as though I was alone.

Even now, I'd have no problems turning my back on those around me...although I love them.

That so weird?

I never really understood my parents, the main reason being their love of religion which is something I've never had.

I don't miss them, not one bit, I was more upset when Freddy Mercury died.

Ed Almos

I felt the same way. In fact, I referred to parents and other relatives as simply "adults", rather than by family terminology. I also believed that they punished me just to enjoy the sense of power it was giving them, and I viewed all adults as my life adversaries. Basically, their goal was to show as much power over me as they could, and my goal was to get as much independence as I could. As a result, I never felt close to anyone in my life, with the exception of one or two friends I had at the time (they had similar life goals, from my perception). But while I enjoyed knowing that my friends will be there for me, I still lived as though I was alone, seeing people as helpful but capable of inflicting misery.

Without physical presence of the person, they become... I don't know, almost faceless to me. When I am here and not spending time with my mother, I sort of have this barrier up where I forget she is my mother and loves me etc. I do not really genuinely believe in parental love anyway. I can at times sit here and intellectually analyse all she did for me at times etc, but yeah...as to my father, he is practically non-existent in my life anyway and shows no interest in ever seeing me. Just the very occasional email and then accusations that I only ever ask him for money. I cannot really comprehend the way I care for them.. at times, it feels as if I do not care at all. There are only rare moments where I get a real sense of connection to either of them.

Without physical presence of the person, they become... I don't know, almost faceless to me. When I am here and not spending time with my mother, I sort of have this barrier up where I forget she is my mother and loves me etc. I do not really genuinely believe in parental love anyway. I can at times sit here and intellectually analyse all she did for me at times etc, but yeah...as to my father, he is practically non-existent in my life anyway and shows no interest in ever seeing me. Just the very occasional email and then accusations that I only ever ask him for money. I cannot really comprehend the way I care for them.. at times, it feels as if I do not care at all. There are only rare moments where I get a real sense of connection to either of them.

Well, my mother has caused me a LOT of grief! She actually sometimes DARES to blame some stuff on her misunderstandings based on her observations of, or communication with, me! EVEN if I made it abundantly clear that was not the way. Interestingly, this claim usually happens DECADES after the fact when it has had a long time to affect my life/comfort.

She will do things like talk to me when I am worn out and stressed, and speak of non sequitors(It may take me a hour to figure out where the idea came from, if I ever manage to do so) and try to get me stressed out and talk FOREVER and if I later complain of not having eaten, etc... she'll say "I suppose that is MY fault too? I can't do ANYTHING right!". Well, not that I said that, but YES, it is HER fault! I moved across the continent partly to get away from her! STILL, she called me over 3 times yesterday in quick succession even though I told her I was utterly exhausted!

My father is too arrogant, and not that good either. At least HE leaves me alone.

But MAN! If I was like 11 years younger, I could have been diagnosed as AS and MAYBE everything would have been different. MAYBE my parents would have been more thoughtful, etc... My mother tries to prove I don't have it, but has to admit she just keeps strengthening the case that I DO! My father might not even know of my belief.

When I went to the psychologist, she told my father it was HIS fault because he wasn't around. NOPE! I remember all that stuff and that part of my life like it was YESTERDAY! I remember my beginners luck at hitting my first baseball! I remember how happy everyone was, etc... NOPE! IF he was there for me, I wouldn't have been any different. Still, he wasn't the kind to really be a father to kids. He was the stereotypical man, spending HOURS watching games, etc... on TV.

BTW I had a GREAT father figure. He wasn't related to me, but I really missed him when he died. People expected me to be more emotional. I guess I wasn't, due to AS. I wonder how I would have acted if I was NT.

The psychiatrist I actually remember didn't have any idea why I wasn't interacting socially. At least HE didn't blame my father.

I love my mom and dad to death and it's the same for them. They're pretty flexible with the rules, and are always looking out in my best interest. ^^ I am so happy to have parents like them

Be ECSTATIC! Most aren't NEARLY so happy, and some actually deserve better! Still, we are commiserating. 8(

I'm 23 years old, still going to college, soon to be out of the house. I feel like they definitely, inexorably support me. In that sense, how can I not feel loved? But at the same time, I'm an aspie. My mother is the most wonderful accepting woman on the planet. My dad, perhaps the only person I can identify with is an aspie. I don't think he quite yet has an understanding and appreciation of me yet. But I think it might happen when I sometime, somehow explain to him how we are the same. It'll happen some day.

Last edited by frankwah on 02 Sep 2007, 7:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.