I understand situations are unique for all. Here's what's going with me:
• I recently have become cognizant to the fact that I have low (or no) pride and self-esteem. In fact, the word "self-esteem" was one I completely forgot for many years until I read it somewhere.
• The passion for things is nearly gone. Things I used to enjoy, like sports, I have found more ways to hate it.
• I work a public-facing job that involves in-person one-on-one conversation. I have to work really hard to mask my emptiness while working because I need the roof over my head. When work is done, I feel like an empty shell because I exerted so much masking.
• My car is dirty, who cares about dressing professionally, and so what if I can't remember to shave. I hate routines, I wake whenever and sleep whenever.
• The pandemic did nothing to damage me, because I was already damaged to begin with. But for others, it seemed to me like the non-sickness aspects (social/emotional) were the worst thing that ever happened to them. It seems to me that people are wanting to be more "godly" than ever since: they want more money, they want more possessions, etc.
I feel like a terrible human being. I feel like if I ever wanted to get better, it would feel like I'm becoming pompous and full of myself in the minds of others (like, "Will he just shut up about himself?") I can't assemble a game plan to improve without taking two steps back for every step forward. Hoping that any bits and pieces of help can do a small something to rebuild myself, it took years to fall to this, it'll take years to get better.
21 Mar 2025, 1:55 am
