2 things I can never tell my mother

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The first is that I do not think that she would like me very much if I were not her daughter. Don't get me wrong- she clearly loves me quite a lot; what I mean is that of all of the traits she enjoys most, and praises most, in other women (vivacious, talkative, outgoing, self-confident), I have none. I don't think that she has ever noticed this fact, and if I told her she would feel both abused and guilty.

The second is that her need to talk to me and be around both me and my brother in order to be happy is one of the things that made me realize that I do not want to have children. I never want my happiness to be dependent on the behavior of another person. Again, if I told her this she would feel abused and guilty.

There's nothing she or I can do about either thing, and they're huge factors between us, and if I told her either thing I think that it would scar her irreperably.

Please do not be too hard on yourself or your mother. We're all different in our mannerism...what we like...what we dislike.

It's a funny thing about motherhood...you never know how deep your love for your child will grow. It's an amazing thing. Somehow you'll go to hell and back to do anything for your child and not think anything of it.

I recommend you do tell her. This summer I had a conversation with my friends dad and emphasized the importance of not letting things "stew" and of speaking up when something is bothering you. He said that most times its no where near as bad as you expect it to me. He was mainly referring to something my friend had spoken about, something that bf never thought his dad would accept in a hundred billion trillion years, and something that his dad actually accepted once we spoke to him about it, but I got a lot of personal benefit out of his words

As a result I sent my mom a 7 page email that began:

I definitely didn't mean to imply that she dosen't love me, or that she has ever been abusive towards me; that is not the case. Things were irreperable between you and your mother, but between me and mine they're not broken, just strained. If I told her these things, I fear that it would break.

LKL~

In the end, does it really matter whether you tell her how you feel or not? Will telling her really change anything? Will it be for the betterment of your relationship with her? Is it worth the risk of hurting her and losing her trust?

I'm not sure how old you are, but when we become an adult, we move from home and start our own lives. At this point you get to be what ever you want to be, and really, no one can tell you it's the wrong way. Sure, they can make suggestions, but we all have to make our way, make our own mistakes, correct them and learn to be who we want to be. Really, it's a refinement that will last your entire life.

It sounds like you want your mother in your life, and I think that's great. However, you want it on your terms, and that's fine, too. But remember with relationships must come compromise from time to time.

I still must digress. This is very similar to what my friend was saying before we talked with his dad. He only lives there over college breaks, but I'm quite certain he expected to be kicked out of home for telling his dad about this thing and how important it was to him.

Once I spoke logically with his dad (I asked to speak to him alone), his dad said that if it was okay with his mom he could be that way in the house. Then they spoke and called us into the room, and said, "I understand this will make you happy. So you can do it." And that was it. My friend had been tearing himself up inside for at least 6 months over fear of telling his dad about this, probably longer but I didn't know him before then, so convinced his dad would hate for this. And that wasn't even remotely the case.

1. That I finally understand why she was such a bad parent. (That would start World War 3)

2. That I have discovered that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. ( She would take it as an insult, and then proceed to "insult" me back.)

1. It perturbs her that I can never understand how to be spontaneous

2. She is angry although she will not admit it that I have chosen not
to have children.(doing my best to break the chain of eccentricity
in my immediate family)

I love my mom dearly, and am trying not to plan so much ...but with my personal experience of life with Aspergers, I could never wish the confusion and isolation on another human being.

do you think that there are people who really do 'tell their mothers everything' (when they are adults)? Is this just an AS thing - the being coldly logical enough to recognize, without malice, very significant problems with the relationship?