Am I Aspergean?

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Hey, I'm new here. I know there's a dedicated forum for introductions, but there's a bit I wanted to say/ask from the get-go. I'm not sure if I have Asperger's or not. I definitely seem to be quite symptomatic of it in a few ways, which I'll detail below. I apologize for the book length post which is going to follow, but I have a lot to get off of my chest and can think of no other forum to do so in. Pardon the horrid pun.

Firstly, I'm recently 19 years old. I taught myself to read at the age of 3. I was confirmed to be gifted (with motor skills difficulties) at the age of 4. I taught myself how to play piano (somewhat decently) at the age of 10. I don't come across as bookish or nerdy as a person; I alternate between states of extreme masculinity or shyness. I tend to stay away from large crowds as I never understood how to conduct myself as an individual within them and from a young age, I always felt left out at, for example, the birthday parties of my neighbours. I have very little patience for people that are ignorant and don't attempt to listen to reason or hear me out when I'm trying to explain my point of view or justification for an action, and am very quick to exaggerated outbursts of anger that result in me saying things that I don't mean. I have a bad habit of dispelling anger by slamming my head against the wall, though this is growing more and more rare and something I've gotten better at dealing with. Physically, I have a large head, which some people consider a potential sign of Asperger's. I'm a bit chubby but have a muscular build so there's great potential to work the excess fat into something appealing. I'm also a bit of a klutz, I can't help feel like I'm losing balance sometimes and occasionally find myself teetering on one foot. I'm very articulate but find myself stumbling in conversation with people that I just meet. I have a small circle of friends, but they're all good friends, and some of them are quite popular and social, which even though that sort of thing holds little appeal to me, I can't help but feel like I should want to be like that. I also have bouts of high confidence and high self esteem and then periods where my confidence and self esteem are gone, but I don't think I'm bipolar or manic/depressive because they aren't borne of mood swings so much as of introspection. I've tried taking driving lessons but the second I see any vehicle in my rearview mirror I tense up and get very nervous. My family does well for themselves, and I'd like to be able to drive solely to take the Jaguar or the Cadillac out. My friends (correctly) think I'm a goof for not having my license already. I have my permit, and (not very actively) want to resume lessons, but the thought of being alone in a vehicle (that I have to take on the highway and do a three point turn in) with someone that is judging my every move is very daunting, even frightening to me. As well, I've never had a part time job for several reasons. Other than a lack of drive or reason to do so (I am, admittedly, spoiled), I do crave the idea of working, solely for the experience, but I'm always worried that I'd have to do a job that involves dealing with customers directly, and though I can more than hold my own with some idiot customer that could hypothetically criticize the leisurely pace I like to work at as incompetence (I have a razor sharp wit), it's an uncomfortable inconvenience that I'd rather not do. I, and I do not know why, am uncomfortable with the idea of being behind a register. I'm good with a computer and fundamentally know how to scan items, but I worry that I'll do it too slow, or make a mistake. The only way to solve this sort of thing is to do it head on, I suppose. I'll likely be getting a seasonal late night stock boy job at a local CD store, though, so this satisfies me wanting a job, though I need to force myself out of my comfort zone if I want to eventually assimilate it into my comfort zone.

I hate the idea of parties. I spent my entire school's Grade 8 graduation party sitting in the room next to the one that the party was taking place in. Of course, I had a particularly bad day that day (asked out a girl I was interested in for two years, she wasn't even able to reject me herself, she had a friend do it, so it's isolationist behaviour, but understandably not unprovoked) They seem like a frivolous excuse for people to take recreational drugs and fake a persona in hopes of getting some action. Now, I'm not adverse to the idea of sexual activity and am not a virgin (I somehow managed to sleep with an attractive girl: all of my "socially balanced" friends were baffled (and jealous, and it's not like they do bad for themselves either ): she made the move. I'm still not sure how that happened, but I am not complaining). However, the one thing that has always evaded me is a romantic life. I've been interested in girls since I was in grade 5, and I've had unrequited crushes on more girls than I can count. There was a time where I felt so desperate that I believed I'd go out with anyone, but as I've grown up and experienced life and met more girls and actually gone on a date or two, I realize that I have standards, and not low ones either, though not terribly superficial standards (looks are important, yes, but so are other things). Now, the place where I live is intensely superficial and party/popularity oriented, and my main non-Aspergean theory is that I've grown a disdain for socializing because I'm on a very different level than the majority of people here. One large non-Aspergean factor that helps back this up in my mind is the fact that if I'm talking to somebody one-on-one, I can carry a conversation quite well and enjoy talking to people. I've never been comfortable with eye contact, though not uncomfortable either: I just can't seem to be able to focus on their eyes. I love the fact that I live at home but wish that I was able to go out of town to University just so that I could live there and force myself to adapt.

I have the aforementioned "intense interests". Criminology, with a slant towards serial killers, was something I was heavily into around grade 7 or grade 8. My main passion in life, though, is music, both of other artists (some mainstream, mostly obscure) and the music that I create and perform in my band. I'm a songwriter/arranger/lyricist/vocalist/keyboardist in an art-rock/prog group. As far as other interests go, more recently, as of the last 18 months or so, I've began to get into upscale beers, especially those made in Belgium.

Even if I have Asperger's, or if I'm just a bit shy, I still have some social improvements to make. Not to conform to what society says a person should be, because you know and I know that society as a whole is deeply flawed in what it reflects as the correct way to behave, and even if you it turns out that I'm one of your own or not, but to help balance myself and gain confidence I'd like to use this place as a springboard to let people know how I'm progressing in my goals for a more fulfilling life, and feel free to use me for the same purposes. In fact, just a tip I figured out myself for those who aren't talented with striking up a conversation. A recent thing I've began doing as a measure to counteract my shyness is forcing myself to begin conversation with a person by using a prop, for example: someone was wearing a Mill St. Brewery shirt at my University and I used that to get into a conversation with him about specialty beers, which I transitioned into an introduction and further conversation... You don't need to be everyone's friend, but damn, it's good practice.

The main thing that stands in the path of my diagnosis is the fact that my mother, who most of the time is a lovely woman but has the tendency to become very mean at the slighest irk, dismisses the notion that I may have Asperger's when I bring it up to her. I can understand where she's coming from. We know someone formally diagnosed with Aspgerger's: a prior guitarist of mine. He was always very loud, unable to look at people directly (though he improved with this over the years), very unpleasant to be around most of the time (volume + profanity + the vicinity of my family = no), quick to inappropriate behaviour, very awkward, and a whole other list of things that I'm not. Considering that what she associates Asperger's to be in her mind seems to be an extreme case of it (and likely some other disorders), I can wholeheartedly agree that she has clause to laugh it off. However, I still can't, and that's why I'm up late writing this novella-length feature for you all.
I tried explaining to my father (who I love dearly but argue with more often than I'd like due to the stubbornness that we both share) that I felt that I seriously could have this, and I presented him a very limited digest version of what I'm stating here, and I could tell from his reaction that he was trying to deny it but that it really seemed plausable to him. Of course, he does whatever my mother says, so when she laughed at off, he scoffed at it too. If only there was some way that I could explain to my mom that, in the event that I do have Asperger's, I can still live a rich, fulfilling, and independent with proper, gentle support. I had a terrible fight with my mom today as a result of my trying to justify why I withheld some information from my aunt. I was under the impression that my cousin (her son) wasn't on speaking terms with her and she was wondering why she hadn't heard from him (he was overseas at the Cannes festival). He had left me a message and not her, and they have a history of strained relationship, so was I totally off base assuming that he wasn't talking to her? I think my mother may have some sort of mental disorder, though it's likely a deterioration of her brain due to the chemotherapy and radiation treatments she endured when she had lung cancer a few years back. Luckily, she's cured, and I thank whatever higher power is out there whenever I remember to for that. But still, my friends don't think it's out of the question that I may have Asperger's, so why am I receiving such a backlash for it at home?

One last point that I'd like to make clear: I don't consider myself to be on the wrong planet. I don't feel like an alien, I feel like a human being with a highly abstract thought process. I don't consider Asperger's to be a disease or a syndrome, or even an autism. I consider it to be an alternate way that the brain functions. It's a different schematic for a functional design. The reason that I care so much about my status of being or not being one is because I want to be able to prepare for the difficulties that seem to happen for people with qualities like mine, Aspergean or not, as life goes on. Nothing seems scarier than moving out and supporting myself, but at the same time, nothing seems that exciting either. My first major goal in life is to be able to look at independence as something that is only scary in concept, but not in actualization. I want to be able to look at myself with the confidence that I can succeed on my own, and I think that's a healthy goal for everyone, especially those of you who know that you have an obstacle that you cannot control. I want, from you, the same support that I would provide, one of you or not. And if I'm not, gain some additional security in the fact that even the neuro-typical have their irks.

Thank you for reading this.

yes

Hi,

I just wanted to let you know that your feelings towards driving and being behind a register sound exactly like I was. I was convinced I'd never be able to drive. Somewhat fortunately, i've never been diagnosed as having AS or tendencies, and only my mom even suspects anything, so she never gave me an excuse to back out of things that I was afraid of in general - it both frustrated me, because i know I have a legitimate problem and I'm not just lazy, but also made my life better, because it forced me to stick with things. I'm not the best driver in the world, but I haven't gotten in any accidents, and driving is now one of my favorite activities. It took me a while, but now i find it fun and relaxing, although I'm just now getting over having another driver in the car who can judge me. So there is hope! I was a bagger at a grocery store - my family was also well off, but they always said we needed to work for ourselves, for like 2 years. My parents kept expecting me to get promoted to cashier, but i was terrified of it, and never brought it up. I was a great student, 2190 SATs, had been admitted to great schools, and yet i thought running a register was the most daunting task ever. I felt there was so much opportunity to mess up and be too slow or scan something in wrong etc. I was so panicked you have no idea. It did take me a lot longer than most people to adjust to working it, and I did make a lot of embarrassing mistakes, but I did ok. I worked as one for this entire summer and never made any horrible screw ups, and even got a few compliments on my service. I know it seems really scary, but if you try long enough, it gets better. I just feel like it takes me way longer to adjust to basic things that just make sense to others, even if I'm much brighter intellectually. Once I make one mistake, I clam up and just never want to keep going, because it seems so stressful, but I've found things do get better for me. Good luck!

Wow, I relate to so much of what you are saying here. I'll admit that I usually start out reading long posts like this with the best intentions, but within 60 seconds I have clicked to another message.

This time, however, I couldn't stop reading. Like you, I don't know if I have AS or not, but so far I have found the WP to be a great place to gather opinions and information about AS, and I feel like I relate to the Aspies on this board much more than the average NT I meet in everyday life.

From your profile I see that you are about my age. I am 20, and at university, and I think at this point in my life more than ever I feel Aspie-esque. (Or Aspie-ish??? ) You mentioned disliking parties, and I completely agree. And the bad news for us is that at our age, life is supposedly meant to revolve around parties. When I meet people, I have trouble coming up with topics to discuss because they always mention the club they went to last night, etc., and for some reason I find myself feeling inadequate and naive, when in fact maybe I should bring up a topic I'M interested in and see if THEY like it...

Your bouts of confidence, then low self-esteem, also seem familiar. In my case it is usually accompanied by happiness and sadness, though, and for a while I DID think I was bipolar. Then I met someone who was REALLY emotional and our mutual friend complimented me on being so calm and emotionally strong, haha. (But maybe this is b/c I keep my emotions to myself.)

Anyway, good luck with your mother. But you're an adult and don't need her permission to seek a diagnosis, do you? In any case, I am glad your friends seem supportive.

You have probably already seen these links, but if you're still wondering whether or not you are really an Aspie, check them out.

Diagnostic critera: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Troy/1807/criteria.html

Aspie Quiz: http://www.rdos.net/eng/Aspie-quiz.php

I fit most but not all of the criteria, and on the Aspie quiz I score between 112 and 139 (I've taken it a few times over the months) on the Aspie side, so while not as extreme as the Aspies on this board, I am far more Aspie than most NTs I know (who have taken this quiz and scored VERY low, might I add.) So for now, I have decided that although I am probably not a full-blown Aspie, and would most likely NOT qualify for an official diagnosis, I am more Aspie than NT and that's why I am on the WP.

Good luck in your search. I suppose since I am not a diagnosed Aspie, I cannot tell you whether you are "extreme enough" to have AS or not, but feel free to PM me if you find out you are another "almost Aspie," or if you need to talk. (I am so social today, haha.)

I used to be able to read from a young age too. By the time I was in grade 1, I think I won this reading award, and amassed reading over or nearly a hundred kiddie books. Why I wasn't good at English in grade school, I never found out. But now I know why. It was because I only read for the words themselves, not the meaning or the implied social cues and feelings behind the characters. Reading a book to me was like doing math; just another algorithm, another program inside my brain, which draws words and letters from a database that says certain things, but literally. So I would actually train myself to read books as quickly and efficiently as possible; I never read books to become interested in their characters or care more about plot. Some were interesting on the literal side, but the deeper meanings never occurred to me.

Firstly, holdsteady, Closer is an awesome record.

A-M, That's an interesting alternate viewpoint on the language thing. Language was one of the things that I really excelled in as time went on. I got 100% on my grade 12 culminating Writer's Craft activity that resulted in a page long comment from my teacher on how I was incredibly talented at poetry, should enter competitions, etc. He then wrote that he wanted a copy of itI think that I may as well be a savant when it comes to improvising fluid, complex poetry.

I read interesting books at a decent pace because I hate suspense when a plot is very interesting, and I do feel for the characters. I do have empathy and I have dropped everything and ran when I was validly worried about someone else close to me, it's just that I'm not immediately touched when I see a report on the news that so and so many people have died. I feel bad for them and their families, but I'm not moved to anger ot tears. However, if I hear something about an animal being mistreated or abused, I'm instantly sicked.

I took that aspie quiz as well, my Aspie score was 133/200 and my NT score was 92/200. I seem halfway normal and a little over halfway Aspergean, but not extreme in either case. Like I figured, knowing what an extreme case of Asperger's is by former association with someone who had it, I'm likely a mild Aspergean, just a little bit imbalanced but nothing that a bit of positive thinking, forced initiative, and social practice can fix. Does anybody have good links on what the coveted "social rulebook" is: I can't really answer conclusively on if I know how to act or not socially if I don't have the answers to compare my observations to.

I would say yes, and an online test or a chat with a psychiatrist will probably confirm this. It's also one of the longest posts I've ever seen on the site so it looks like talking about your problems isn't an issue

Welcome to WP.

Ed Almos

It sounds familiar over here

I'm not dx'd or anything either, and I'm still unsure as to if I could get one. Right now I don't think it's necessary. For me, finding out about AS was just a way to find out about myself, AS or not. It highlighted a bunch of 'unnatural' behaviour that I either hadn't noticed or couldn't explain (eye contact, resistance to change, difficulty talking about things other than my interest(s), social avoidance, etc.).

Now I know a lot more about myself than I did before - I don't know if a doctor would say that I have AS; I certainly don't consider myself "disabled" by any of my AS-like traits. They just annoy the crap out of other people, for the most part . I do, however, recognise and identify with many of the problems everyone here faces; hence why I still poke my head in regularly.

AS? NT? Right now I'm just going to say I have an AT personality instead of an NT one - at least that way I know I'm not wrong!

It certinaly sounds like you're on the spectrum, but I'm also not DX'd yet either. Just starting that process, but the more I read, the more I feel confident that it's the final piece of the puzzle that makes me tick. And not a minute too soon!

And don't feel bad about being 19 and not driving. I got my liscense at 19 and I've had a car since I was 17, but I don't do alot of driving on my own. Honestly, sometimes I'm afraid to drive on my own if I'm feeling a little drawn-in that day. I might miss something and end up causing an accident! So even when you do get your liscense, trust your instincts when you think you maybe shouldn't drive or if someone tells you to grab a ride with someone instead.