Omgosh you know what my mother just said.....

Post Reply New Topic

I'm talking to her about my problems with my NT man, and she goes well the problems with all Auties and Aspies is that there all self centered ! !! ! I'm in total shock, I can be self centered, but not all the time!! !! ! What do you think about this???

People with autism are most commonly mistaken for selfish people. I know I am because my mother thinks I'm selfish, but doesn't necessarily understand my motives. If you are doing something for your own sake, but unaware that you may be affecting others adversely, I wouldn't really consider it to be selfish. It's only a concern if you're doing something for yourself and you know you're hurting someone else; possibly intentionally or not even trying to do things a different way that won't hurt them.

I'm definately not self-centered. As an example, I've helped my bf out about issues with his parents (ie talking to them for him, without his knowledge) and he's shown quite a bit of concern for me as weel. Indeed if I thought he was selfcentered, we wouldn't be dating, and most likely wouldn't be friends either.

I have definately seen more NT's be selfcentered than aspies. itsa ll, "You have to do this for ME, right now, even though I only gave you two minutes notice and you'll be in huge toruble at school/work if you don't finish your stuff right now" etc. Okay, well not all nt's are like that but I've ran into quite a few who are. And if you try to point out why you aren't doing what they want, and instead are doing something that's important, they immediately call you selfish and inconsiderate.

Upon retrospect, maybe they confuse our self-centeredness for the things we have distinct interests in, and they label us that unfairly because we won't do something for them, possibly something they don't deserve. Taken in that context, calling us self-centered for having obsessions is unfair; I would prefer the term passion.

nope not me nor my dad although he did some things that were so mindblind that he didn't have my best interests at heart

Mm other than thinking go eff yourself to someone who would say that to me. It has been so untrue in my life that I really would just label that person as clueless in my head. Uh, it sounds like your mom is NT and exhausted trying to include and tolerate the existence of AS in her life like it is not something that most NTs are willing to accept as truly existing because it throws off their judgment system so we make them extra tired even though they may say it is a good thing we have been diagnosed.

How highly functioning are you? I'm wondering if I need to take a long flight to see Tony Attwood to meet someone smart enough to see through me. I don't mind being exposed, I mind that no one/most people have been competent enough to dig down deep enough to pull out what I am doing. This is why I only get along with people who are smarter than I am. They have to be a lot smarter otherwise I get really mad.

Also I think that Aspies just say what they are thinking instead of inquiring after others because we feel that is more accurate and more humble because I can't claim another person so I can only speak for myself and that may be why your mom says you are self centered. I don't think you are self centered. I'm kind of relieved you are highly functioning.

It's a strange one this isn't it ?

I care/worry about everybody's feelings / well being and most of the time but I also put myself first in things that REALLY matter to me .. if that makes any sense.

Interpret it as 'awareness' and 'self-centered' translates to 'unaware-of-others' and it sounds a whole lot less negative.

I am a lot of the time, openly admitted. It sounds like such a harsh idea for someone else to say it, but I do not see how another wouldn't see me as self-centered. I am constantly trying to figure myself out, or trying to figure out exactly what makes me entirely different. I have immense difficulty relating to anything I have not been through myself, and when I can, I mention MY OWN experience and how it relates to theirs, then I tell them what I did, not necessarily what they should do. I do not apply others' advice to myself because I cannot grasp what they are saying to do, or do not know how to fit it into my own routine. I ask questions of why people do things the way that they do, and they feel they are put under a microscope when they cannot give me an answer since most of the things come naturally. ...and of course I could go on and on about it, lol.

The part that they miss is what is actually going on in my mind when getting information and when asking questions, or in trying to figure myself out. 9 out of 10 times I'm trying to figure myself out so that they may have a better understanding of why I do things the way that I do, so that communication can be better with people in general. They don't realize it is my way of trying to understand so that I can make an attempt once in a while to act accordingly. When I cannot, I'm deemed as self-centered, as well as when I ask questions to try to get a logical reason as to why I am expected to behave in certain ways.

They need that emotional response to what they say. They need to see visibly that another cares about them. They need to have a really strong bond of sorts to feel like another cares. They don't understand not getting it, and assume the other doesn't care about what they say (though, in my case, a lot of the time that is true, lol), or that they just don't care about them in general.

There is a reason we are described as being in our own little worlds (besides just being lost in thought) We don't follow standard procedure when it comes to relationships of any sort a lot of the time, and when we think we ARE following it, someone is always there to doubt we even care enough to try, because they don't understand.

The question for me is how did she mean it? Did she mean it matter of fact based on her observation, or was she meaning it to insult?

I don't think its they need to see. i think its that seeing is enough and they need verbal reinforcement, wheras many aspies tend to think, "you already know I feel this way, so why should I bother saying it?" and they misinterpret that as being a lack of feeling, as opposed to just a lack of desire of saying something thats relatively pointless because its already known

Angelus-Mortis is right. Autism basically means selfish! And some DO act selfish. I have been called that, even though I am anything BUT! So yeah, she is stating a normal understanding. OBVIOUSLY, it is often wrong. Sometimes it is even REVERSED! Like the smokers saying tey have a right to smoke. WELL, I have a right to breath! THEY could smoke anywhere, I have to breath everywhere. Yet they will call me selfish for THAT!

I think that aspies and auties are unselfish in different ways than NTs. Maybe that's the source of confusion. I have a problem with being too generous. It's a result of my strict Christian background. People have used this to take advantage of me my whole life because I'm not good a discerning whether or not someone's being sincere. NTs are definitely more often manipulative. I don't think I could be manipulative if I tried; I just don't have the social skills.

But I know I often come across as selfish. I don't express the right emotions when another person's sad, or angry, or has just had a baby. I experience empathy internally, but I'm not good at expressing it. I just robotically say, "I'm sorry," or whatever seems like the right thing. I know it comes across as insincere. Then, when something bad happens to me, I'll get overwhelmed and have a meltdown. People see me crying uncontrollably over a small insult but not really reacting when something truly tragic happens to someone else. In truth, the latter is a lot more upsetting to me, but that's not what other people see.

Add to that the fact that I just don't understand NT culture. I try to understand other people, but I can only generalize and I don't even like generalizations. So I focus on understanding myself. Maybe that is selfish.

I've noticed that many people think it is selfish not to take an interest in fitting in. They say that you have to follow society's rules in order to get along with people. If you make you're own rules, you're being selfish. Apparantly, some people don't even like to look at people who look different, so if you look different on purpose, you're being selfish. One woman reacted to my interest in tattoos by saying, "You're not in college anymore. Grow up and start thinking about other people." I strongly disagree with all of this. But if these really are commonly held beliefs, I guess it could be a source of confusion.

Sorry for the long post!

It could also be looked at from the perspective that these NT's are desperately vying for attention, and aren't getting enough of it, so they'd have to go so far as to derive attention from everyone and anything--including autists or AS people, even though they're the worst at doing that sort of thing. So in an effort to get their attention, they might have conveniently redefined "selfish" so that they could make you feel bad for not giving them attention, despite the fact that maybe they don't deserve it.

lol, yes, that is what I was meaning. I use see/hear interchangeably a lot, I think it is because when people say things I can either read it on a forum or e-mail usually, or I visualize what they are saying or talking about in my mind, lol. Sorry about that With the verbal reinforcement, a lot of the time things just come so incredibly natural for them to expect it of others, as Angelus-Mortis mentioned. Non-verbal reinforcement often leads to the questioning of "well, you say you love me, but I don't feel that way because you do not always act accordingly" type of stuff. That would be something they look for in the verbal reinforcement, also confusing my usage of seeing/hearing, lol. They want to hear it, but they look for more than just words often because it is natural for them.

Verbal is good, but that non-verbal really is something they seek as well. I can tell somebody that I'm not lying, but if I am unable to hold eye contact, or giggle uncontrollably when I do get eye contact with them, then it is often assumed that more is going on or that I am being untruthful. The same kind of goes with anything said, really. So maybe it is that they want to see and hear it ultimately. They need the constant reinforcement, whereas I might tell my bf "why should I say this all of the time if we know that it is true? If it wasn't true, I would never say it and we wouldn't still be together."

MM.. Someone just called me selfish the other day, and cold too!
Maybe we have an epidemic of selfish sweeping the forum!

Maybe mom's having a bad day? The comment sounds over-generalized. Perhaps the blanket statement wasn't as all-inclusive as it sounded. Sure, we have our moments. By definition, autism means some self-centeredness. But I think many of us are capable of altruism too.

I think it's true because we appear that way to people. We forget to think about other people's feelings and how something would make them feel. Also I know how hard that is because you don't know how something is going to make them feel. Also we don't know how to react emotionally or socially so it looks like to the NTs we don't care when in fact we didn't know we were actually supposed to do something. Also we don't pick up on social cues real well or body language or we have troubles understanding it when we do see it, and we don't pick up on non verbal cues so it will look like to the NTs we are self centered and we don't care.