close friends = free to say anything?

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there are two people in my life who like to call themselves my close friends. however, the definition of close friends for them means that they feel free to be telling me anything they don't like about me. in my world, if there is something i don't like about somebody, i either accept it, on our way to become friends, or we never get very close.

there are things i, too, don't like about these two friends of mine, but i just live with that. on the other side, they keep bombarding me with their remarks about what i should do or should not do. as result, they see themselves as somebody who doesn't have to change, somebody who satisfies all my requirements for close friends, however, they are not as happy with me, as they think i am happy with them.

i tried to tell them what i didn't like about them, but they didn't agree with me, so there was no point in doing that and i stopped it.

is this an NT/AS conflict?

I don't think it's an AS/NT thing. And I feel that you can tell a close friend pretty much anything.

Tim

sure, but shouldn't close friends also accept each other the way they are?

I agree the people should generally accept people for who they are. If the criticism is something that is not encroaching on that then sometimes you can take it into account. I found you can make some allowances so long as it won’t cause to feel more uncomfortable than necessary.

I would have though it is more AS to be blunt though if it is a social aspect it is more NT to speek up about it, because they are used to and generally understand social better. If it is something about how you don't spend enough time with them, etc. Then you just have to explain that you are a little different and can't spend everyday around them, they either accept that or move on.

Absolutely.

Tim

Free to say anything? More or less... if you're certain they're close friends *shrugs*

I have one extremely close friend. i could tell him anything. so, I think yeah. if you don't like the criticism, tell them.

i told them, they didn't seem to understand. that's what a close friend means for them, that they can criticize him. tell me, would you criticize your extremely close friend or would you rather accept him for who he is?

once i had an extremely close friend too; he could do anything stupid and i either accepted that (if it influenced me directly) or stuck up for him (if it influenced only others). we are not that close anymore, one day i stopped receiving the criticism so well.

i guess it's because i usually don't judge people as easily. and i wish they wouldn't judge me either. live and let live...

The few close friends I've had in my life, were close friends because they knew me well enough to take the most negative sounding comment, in a rational and logical way, without bringing bs emotions into it, and vice versa. I refuse to open up to anyone who isn't capable of setting aside feelings for the sake of things that need to be said, being said.

I would never criticize him. I understand that he is who he is, and if theres something that i don't particularly like, about him, a habit maybe, I can't change it. He is who he is, and I'm lucky he's my friend.

nicely said

exactly, and i believe that not only that you can't change it, you wouldn't want to change it either. close friends should revere each other enough not feeling entitled to want to change each other...

Same here. But, beeing close friends, there should be virtually no topic you can't discuss with them...



You should tell them that explicitly. Don't muck around the bush. Tell them in their face. If they are really close friendy - while they may be hurt at first by your remarks - they'll understand.



Tell them again. Clarify the situation. And then accept them the way they are.

I also have two close friends (one of them, i'm sorry to say. i only meet once a year or so, cause he currently lives 1000km away). Both accept me the way i am. They generally don't interfere with my life; but it doesn't hurt me either when they've had enough of my quirks and start giving me advice on how i should "change my live" like "at least clean up properly when you've got visitors" or "you know, saying THATwas *VERY* stupid!". Like many aspies, i need some good advice to hold my live together; and who, if not my best friends, are the best, most reliable source of that...?

The thing that, for me, was most unexpected: Even when i told them that i have Asperger, they just asked a few question to clarify, shrugged their shoulders, told me straight away that it doesn't change anything between us (gues they figured me out a long time ago, anyway) and then went on to business as usual. Now, THATS what i call real friends, wouldn't give them up for anything...

lol when you throw something else into this - attraction to a close friend - it's somewhat more difficult to 'spill the beans'.
I have to keep biding my time until there's little vulnerability...

This is gonna be tedious and annoy the hell out of me, but I can't make that move until I'm almost damn sure about it.

Aspies are messed up when it comes to this stuff.

you're quite right. except it like the term "emotionally challenged" better.

Somehow situations like this always remind me of the movie "Galaxy Quest". Actors pretenting to know how to fly real spaceships....

I've had that problem. I have a crush on my best friend. Decided not to tell her because she was crazy about another guy, they have since got together. Problem with not telling her was the I made myself very depressed, to the point where I was crying. I had decided not to mention it until she was over this guy.
She caught me offguard later on about what was making me so depressed and I admitted that I did have a crush on her. Luckily, we have the kind of friendship where she was more annoyed that she was the last one to pick up on it. Nothing has changed between us except that I can now talk about it openly.