How did you learn to be a good friend?

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I worry a lot that I am not being a good friend to my friends. I want to be a good friend but don't know how, how did you learn to be a good friend?

Android

I got out there and really played the social field. It was a hit or miss, trial and error, and I learned from those. It's all about refining your social abilities in the context of your own experiences. That's why most self-help books are rarely useful to anyone. You have to be docile all the while.

One good way is to look back on a friendship that meant something; one that went somewhere and seemed most prolific for both of you. Then start listing the things that made it work. List the things that made it eventually fail or weaken.

Another good jump-start might be to go read some informative material on body language. Just knowing what signals others are sending you via their body improves your chances for great friendships quite drastically.

To be a good friend you have to really like your friends and accept them as they are.
friendships should not be imposed on you by others like family

I do really like my friends and I do accept them as they are. However i still don't think i know how to be a good friend.

Android

Someone finally treated me well, so I figured I would treat others the
way I want to be treated. What I dish out might come back around
to me, at some point, hopefully. Trite as it may sound, it is true. The
more positive experiences I had with people treating me well, I finally
had enough of them under my belt, that I could then go out and spread
some of it around to others, who were once oppressed like me. By no
means have I perfected the art of friendship, and most relationships
are very confusing, stressful and painful for me.

It is very refreshing when I occasionally find a kindred spirit who just
"gets" me right off. I have gotten used to people high on the
"NT spectrum" trying to bully me into their kind of behavior, like insulting
me will somehow cure me instantly and "get me to see" that I am
"being ridiculous". I am slowly learning to calmly state my "piece" and if
THEY don't get it, well, I don't lose much sleep over it anymore. I know,
now, more than ever, especially since I found this site, that there are
plenty of kindred spirits out there. More than I ever dreamed.

A friend is someone who is there for you.
A good friend is someone is there for you during both the good and bad times.

I tend to have a lot of people I know, and a couple of friends. My friends are the people who if they are the problem that is causing them a lot of distress they can call me at 3 am in the morning and I'll talk with them / go over and see them. They are the people who know that if they need to chat I will an activity to help them. But they are also the people who would do the same for me. But they are also the people who accept me for who I am, and are honest with me and tell me when I'm acting like an idiot knowning that they won't offend me. I've made my best friend promise to call me if she is getting depressed and wanting to cut herself again (she has a lot of issues that i'm trying to help her with).
But I'm not saying thats neccessarilly (spelling sucks >.> ) what it means for you. Definitions of a good friend vary.

I guess what I'm saying is that a good friend is someone who will help you through the bad times, and enjoy the good ones with you. You don't need to go to those kind of lengths, but you should be someone who doesn't abandon them when the going gets tough.

I hope that helps.

one thing ive learned is to imatate others that I beleve are good at being friends. Sadly, some of wht I learned was from TV, and that can be hit or miss as to reality. But trial and error ive learned is the best way for me. and sometimes, unfortunately, I crash and burn.

One big thing Ive learned, is that when someone is telling you about a problem they have, just listen. DOnt try to tell them how to solve it, dont inturupt and tell them a personal experience, as it may ramble on and on until they think you dont care. Just listen. and if they are going through a hard time, sometimes just sitting therte silently with them so they know you care is better than trying to help something you have no control over.

Also, try to remember wht a person likes and dislikes so they know you pay attention enough to remember. Birthdays and anniversarys are also good to remember if you can, and then just acnolwege you remember it. You dont need necessarily to get a present or card depending on how close you are.

One thing that I'm trying to be better about in friendship is to call the person. I don't like the phone and I tend to not answer it - but people don't think you are interested in being closer friends if you don't talk on the phone all the time. Most people probably get this but I'm 37 years old and just starting to get it and I'm still really bad at it.

The earlier comment about listening is really important. If someone is hesitant to talk, try to draw them out - they may be afraid you don't want to listen to their problems. And after sympathizing with someone - with lot's of little one-word things to acknowledge you are listening, you repeat back to them what the gist of the story was - how it made them feel - this let's them know you *really* listened. And you tell them they are right to feel that way, or that you would be even more upset by it you can't believe their handling it so well or something else validating.

It' also good to do things for them - offer to do favors, and also do stuff for them before they ask - to show you're looking out for them.

The answer is through practice.

Start with something really small, like buying a birthday calendar and adding your friends birthdays to it. That way you can remember to call and say happy birthday. DO the same with family. Its a small thing that seems trivial to us, but it is always appreciated when friends remember friends birthdays.

Its interesting, because I observe how peoples friends treat each other and it gives me a good idea of what a good friend is, but I still manage to ruin it for myself in one way or another. Half the time I dont even know what I did wrong, the other half I know what I did wrong but its too late to do anything about it.

I've became friends with a few people who like to talk a lot, and I just listened to them even if it wasn't always interesting to me.

i always though i was a good friend, but am finding out that i have a lot of flaws. i thought i found someone whom i could call a good friend...he was there for me through a lot of bad times, taught me a lot, but in the end, i considered him a better friend to me than i guess i was to him...but there weren't enough of those good times to balance things (and other problems)and then the going got tough....and POOF!! ! gone....
and now i'm looking to learn from the mistakes i made there. i'm just hoping i CAN figure them out....i just feel like i don't know what i'm doing...

and username88
i know exactly how you feel about still managing to ruin it for yourself, not knowing what you did wrong and then the knowing it's too late to fix it....i'm living that right now....

If you want to make friends, try to find people who have the same interests as you, and that will give you something to talk about.