Do you tell your child? Other parents?

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So, when did you tell your child that he/she had Asperger's? Although I have always known that something was different with my son, we recently got his DX of PDD-NOS (though I know it's Asperger's). He goes to regular classes and has made a friend who called to invite him over to play. Do I tell the parents? If I did not tell the parents, they might not even know, or something could set him off and he may behave in an odd manor or appear to be very rude and misbehaving and not be invited back. I would think they might need to know in case something arises but I don't want people to treat him badly because he has this. Some people can be so mean. I think my husband would rather keep it private. He thinks that because I told our old neighbor, she was not as nice to him as she was with my other son. The older son would get invited to her house as long as he couldn't come. Of course, I told her forget it. Other close friends have said that they would only tell people who are close. My gut is that there is nothing wrong with it, so why not tell people? It would explain a lot of things.

At what point did you tell your child? How did they take it? Did it help or make things harder for the child? My apprehension is that I don't want him to feel as though there is something wrong with him. But then I know he has to know at some point. It could even be a relief to know, as I've heard others have said.

What are your thoughts on this?

Ok, I just saw the other post on this but if you have anything to add, please do so.

Tell your child yesterday.
Tell other parents only if he has demonstrated a problem. And then do it casually like other people do about their kid's difficulties. "My child is hard of hearing, so make sure she is looking at you before you talk to her." "My child has cystic fibrosis, this is what she can eat, and that is what she can't." "My child has asperger's syndrome, and sometimes too much noise overwhelms him. If you see him getting frantic, could you please direct him to a quiet room to play with ...."

I wouldn't say anything to the parents of the other child unless something did happen that was of a major magnitude at the visit. If he does something out of line, he needs help to learn what it was, why it shouldn't have happened, and then he needs to go to the people involved and apologize for his behavior. (Yes, I realize that he'd be apologizing for something temporarily out of his control, but society works like that. He can use that as an opportunity to explain that he's doing the best he can and why it's hard for him. People tend to react well to that tack, in my experience.) Unless your son is severely handicapped, that's all that needs to happen. If he is seriously impaired, you might want to prep the parents a bit in advance, but I'd tend to let the boy fly on his own a bit to see how he does. If he blows the opportunity, that's part of learning. He'll get future chances.

You don't say how old your boy is? If he's very young, he'll need learning experiences to figure out what is and is not appropriate behavior. I assume you've already worked with him on how one behaves? If so, he needs lab time to test that out. When my daughter was young and had a friend over who had a bad day, I certainly didn't hold that against her for future visit. If the boy is 15, things are different than if he's 6....

As to when to bring it up to him, if he's having problems getting along in a certain situation, you might give him a "well, some people have more trouble with certain things than others" talk. How some people are good at basketball/football/art/music ...whatever it is he likes or admires... and how some people are not. And how that it can be the same with people getting along around other people, too. You can say that some people have the same kinds of problems, and that to make it easier than having to say "those people who have the same kinds of problems getting along and understanding other people" that the words "Aspie" or "Aspergers Syndrome" are used to describe it. Like a shorthand code. You might say that "Aspies" have to work extra hard, sometimes, to understand and to do things that other people take for granted, but that he can certainly learn how to do them and that you'll help him do his best, and that his best is all anyone can ask for. You might familiarize yourself with some of the prominent people who are presumed to have had Aspergers - positive models. Keep it all as positive as you can - he's not diseased, he just processes information differently. Many of us do. Just a different color on the rainbow, that's all.

As Temple Grandin once said, (paraphrasing loosely here) it's best to not think too negatively about people on the spectrum, as many of them are designing and creating the cell phones and computers you like so well, and medical equipment and pharmacuticals that may save your life...."

We got the label for my daughter when she was around 17 or 18. We just dealt with life before that.

Good luck.

there

How do you tell your child?

To reply to this question can be a 2000 page summary of a parent with AS making a sum of it all.

But why do that. We've never spoken above or behind our kids about anything from echonomy to death. It has helped them a lot, as we see it now, because they have gotten a self esteem that they are like everybody else but maybe slightly different. And taught them to see that difference as a strength.

We speak about every topic that pops up. It's a bit annoying though since my youngest can multiply random numbers faster than I can type them on my calculator. My mid son has since he found Quake series of games been railing the craps out of me, and I am not unfamiliar with a railgun myself. My eldest daughter is in love but doesn't dare to use the normal hook when she goes fishing with her boyfriend because it's embarrasing to catch so much fish.

We talk about finance, love, sex, gardening, networking, computers, food strategies, just like we talk about cars, repairs, winter. My ex gladly leave all our kids with her garbage box of pearls and leave them to be creative. If you can't make a drawing but can create some jewelry that looks great, Why not do that. My own handwriting is crap and I still have a bunch of servers in my mind all the time.

The thing as I see it is not how you tell your child but how to educate their classmates for example. It can be a HELL for a child with authism spectrum disorder to live through scool. Been there, done that. Even my ex has noticed now, that I in my form, works better when being stressed. (this is another 2000 pages)

Anyway, hope you get a clue.

I have much more than a clue, thanks. LOL. Not sure what was meant by that but "get a clue" is usually considered an insult, meaning "you are stupid."

One purpose of a board such as this is to gather from the experiences of others. Many of you have already been through what is to come for us. I appreciate the responses so I can use your experiences to make life better for my son.

Formulation error from a person that doesn't have english as native language. Me.

Instead of a clue, it would probably been better to say something like my 2 cents of worth.

Thanks anyway for giving me a clue

Doby, having read several of Swextal's other posts I'm sure the meaning of clue was an idea or indivation of which direction to to follow next as in "The detective got a clue.

Swextal don't be too hard on yourself idiomatic English can change within a few miles (kilometers) within the same country.

Back to you Doby, Z has been kept abreast of his ever developing dx from the beginning 8 years ago, he is now11. Aspies are acutely literal and anything less than the truth will confuse them. Knowing that he is an Aspie has helped him learn the reasons he has difficulty fitting into the NT world and try (not always with glowing success) to try to work out strategies to act "appropriately".

As for telling other people, I guess a need to know basis would be the best thing. If you are not going to be present it might not be a bad idea to let the person in charge know. If we are going to leave Z in a new situation we will tell someone what they need to watch out for. We have told family and close friends, and parents of his friends and those he has come into conflict with if we feel they need to know or if we feel there may be a recurrence of problems.

If this sounds as confusing to you as it does to me right now ask and I'l try to clarify it. Ivve got someone waiting for so I have to go. Good luck.

Let's take this a bit AS way, and if you can't follow, you can imagine how easy it's for a NP to follow a AS trying to resolve a persons normal life. I take this from Me, 1, 2 and 3, where the numbers are individuals. My kids. 1=7ym 2=9ym, 3=11 year female. We're taking this as a normal discussion would occur, and we could just as well spoken japanese, for those not in the closest range of living.

Me: Using voice.
1: But i told him/her! [Not.]
2: Forgot... [Not.]
3: What? [Not].



Me: Read it.
1: You forgot to explain about the skullrush. that I can't help that my head goes 15 sentences ahead before you even start to answer.
2: But dad, you know what, that's why I beat the crap out of you in Quake even whatsoever 7th place in europe ladder.
3: But I CAN'T READ THAT FAST! NOW!



Me: Your computer has ran into service mode, mom, please don't touch it. You are out of sync from the replication ring. See it as the countys libraries currently doesn't have the same content in the books. (answer: Ok.) (replication, clustering, NFS, and VPN and IDS's) (And a 2 week old backup so I'm waiting for spare drives).
1: But can't it do it pinball crisscross style then?
2: Are you sure it's not the switch in the basement? I had some packet loss in Quake * on *
3: Does Miranda work? No, by the way, I'll just run over to her. Brb.



Me: Perfect. Now I have something to do forensics on. And rebuild the OS disks. Data is intact. But they need to be replaced anyway so we lock the drives RO and rebuild a scratch array. (being a geek for 27 years+)
1: Can I have the broken harddrives? I collect them.
2: Okay, new fridge magnets. I like them. More funny than Geomag even!
3: Can those magnets magnetize my hooks so they doesn't fly around in the box? I'd like them stuck together.


Another thing that has struck my ex is that the more complicated the situation gets the better I works in my thinking. I've been doing the worst nightmare jobs a server admin can imagine, and the tougher the job the calmer I got. So I'm probably a workaholic in that way. So Is my youngest in math. He can't help multiplying big numbers all the time. But it's him.

Hopes somebody could follow this.. it's harder when you let your fingers just go off for a while.

No biggie! Thanks for your response.

My son has known about his AS since second grade. He's now in sixth grade, fully mainstreamed, with only a 504 in place. I think part of the reason for his success thus far is that he understands that he thinks differently than other people do. We ALWAYS stress the great things about the AS, like it helps him concentrate, Bill Gates probably has it, etc. We have never told him his lack of coordination is due to the AS, because he's stuck with the AS, and there's no good in having him hate himself for having the disability. We just tell him that everyone has talents and limitations, and that God gave him a brain, and to be thankful for that, since athletic kids who ain't got the smarts struggle five out of six periods a day, instead of one out of six, as my son does in P.E.

As far as other parents go, I wouldn't. Sometimes I will say, "He really hates loud noises," or "Man, he loves those computers." I've had it happen a couple of times that I've told parents, and they've told their own children some clumsy version of the truth, and it hasn't really helped matters. I had one neighbor (parent) who talked to him like a damned fool after she found out, and what with him reading several grade levels above most other kids his age, he wondered what was wrong with "Deb" that she would talk like that. Frankly, he wasn't impressed with what he saw as her limited vocabulary. Good for a few yucks with my husband, but really, I don't want people talking to him like he's a drooler.

Hope this helps.

My son insisted upon knowing. He sensed something, and he wanted to KNOW. He/they are smart and already aware that something is up. So, we talked mostly about strengths and his unusual memory for things and that was it. At the end of the conversation he came up to me and said "So, I have Asperger's Syndrome." I agreed.

Now, he will use Aspergers Syndrome periodically and seems very comfortable with it. He knows it's this thing he has and I do think it makes him feel better about himself. Before, he would engage in quite a bit of negative talk directed at himself. There is less of that. I really think he feels more confident about who he is and how he thinks/processes information.

equinn