Platonic friendships.

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Does anyone else here have friends of the opposite sex in which the friendship is purely platonic, in other words, not a "friends with benefits" type of situation? One problem I have run into is that sometimes I have met a guy who I realize does not have a romantic interest in me but whom I find interesting to talk to. I have on some occasions asked a guy to do something low key as in meeting for coffee but somehow I get the impression that it comes across as me asking the guy out on a date when that's not the case. I have a fair number of women friends whom are a wonderful source of support in light of the fact that I don't have much in the way of extended family around. I think one thing that would be nice about having friends of the opposite gender would be the opportunity to have more topics of conversation to talk about. It seems like a lot of conversations with other women revolve around talking about other people. I don't mean nasty gossip or anything like that; I mean just a lot of asking about their families and stuff like that. While I wouldn't exactly call myself a Tomboy, a lot of times I find the topics that men discuss to be much more interesting. One time I was at a gathering at somebody's house and the women were gathered in the kitchen talking about recipes and the men were in the living room talking about things of a political nature. A lot of "girly" things such as shopping just don't interest me much anymore.

Yeah, I know what you mean. I'm also always worried that guys think I'm asking them out when I just mean to be friends...

Actually this just happened to me, LOL. I'm meeting a guy for a drink tomorrow and hoping that he doesn't get the wrong idea...We'll see, haha.

But I agree that sometimes it is more interesting to talk to someone of the opposite sex. And as for my own sex, I tend to get along best with girls who are "different" - who are artistic, for instance, or shy, rather than the typical extrovert who likes shopping or whatever, like you said. (Although I know there's no such thing as typical... )

I doubt theres anything you can do.
As men were told that ANYTIME a woman takes notice of you shes interested. I dont follow that if someone says hello as were looking at a similar book or whatnot Ill talk to her but I believe she has the right to go out in public without being hit on by evryguy that comes by. Now it occurs to me she may WANT exactlly that. Well Ive got to do what I feel is right.
And if I asked out every womwn I came across wouldnt my offer eventually become cheap?

Anyway about that platonic thing. Its tough. I have a friend that I have had to constantly and painfully point out we are not dating. I think I make it clear by noticing other women and asking for pick up line advice from her while with her but it still builds back up to that point again.

One exception is a coworker I got along with who was married. I did tell her its tough for a guy to make new guy friends and she offered to set me up with her husband on a play date!

Personally I might have stayed in the kitchen . Recipes are creative and I would have enjoyed the novelty of it. Plus as I learned growing up if a guy hangs around a group of ladies in the kitchen long enough hell get fed.
The exception is if the men were talking about politics in a historical or philosophical context. I usually feel with current events we dont know enough yet to comment.
Plus Ive never gotten into a fight over a cupcake recipe

I tend to make friends with men more easily than women and have probably had more male friends in my life. I think platonic friendships are entirely possible and men and women should try to be "just friends" more often. I know it's impossible sometimes, if one of you is attracted or develops feelings, but why eliminate 50% of the population as potential friends? The women I seem to get along with best think, speak, and interact in a more masculine way. I'm very straightforward and earnest, so I often don't seem to understand how women interact with each other. In groups of females, I'm always the odd one out.

Everyone swears that women have a "friend zone" and men don't. I don't think that's true at all. The only problem I have ever had with platonic friendships is a few times when I have become too close to a male friend and developed feelings when he didn't have any. There must be something about my personality that turns men off to the idea of dating me, even when I know they really like me friend-wise. I think that there is an initial stage when you first meet someone, where if you don't exhibit any flirtation or interest it's eventually too late and you are stuck as friends.

Except that theory doesn't really work with me, because I usually don't become attracted to someone until I am friends with them. Who knows.

WHats a woman "friend Zone"?

I know that intial stage. I heard on the radio a person decides if they want to sleep with another person within 15 second or something of meeting. Thats too much pressure.

My best relationship was with a woman who I was friends with for a year. Platonically. I was eveb dating someone else for most of the time . But one night I kissed her and after that I couldnt keep my hands off her for nearly seven years.

I take that as a cue on how to build friendships into relationships. But it doesnt work. Thers all sorts of rules. Kiss at the end of the date is required or shell feel rejected. Label and catogarize what he relationship is as soon as possible.

In my experience rushing things doesnt speed up intamacy , just the opposite.

I was dating a woman I met in the park. We spent the next three days together almost constantly. She lived two blocks away and I would rush over first thing in the morning. She said, after three days, "WHEN are we going to have sex?"
So we did. She didnt even seem to take any enjoyment in it.
The next day I didnt show up untilll lunch.
She asked why and i answered " we rushed into sex too quickly."

On the other hand there was a woman I was involved right away and I stopped her after several purely physical meetings and sid, "lets make sure this isnt just about sex, lets go across the street and get some dinner. We did and by the time our drinks arrived it was over, there was nothing."

Yeah I want my cake and eat it too. I think I might have been more succesful dating 50 years ago. People just rush things too much.

Actually most of my platonic friendships are with girls. I have very few platonic friendships with boys and they're never that close (with one exception but he's an online friend). Despite this I'm straight. o.O So I guess I just don't have much interest in other males in general for some reason.

Either way I wouldn't be comfortable in a relationship with someone who I didn't also work as being friends with, so I become friends with someone first.

My best friend is a guy, and we're keeping it platonic. No "benefits".

I've had very good platonic friendships with guys. But then with some guys I'd start to become attracted to later on. I couldn't imagine going out with someone without being friends with them first anyway.

(sorry ,but this is apt to a long post and may be truncated-- I'm new here)

As a female NT who has just realized that her very close platonic male friend of 2 1/2 years could very well be on the AS continuum, I could use some advice here.

First off, let me explain why I'm guessing that he's AS. His teenaged son is high functioning AS and I had done quite a bit of reading on the subject of Aspie kids and their parents since we became friends so I could understand his challenges in dealing with his son. Recently his son has started improving incredibly, doing well in school, finding friends and interacting with people so well you would never know that he was any different from the average NT if you met him.
So, wondering how his son would eventually adapt to adulthood, I started reading up on Adult AS for the first time last week. As I read it began to dawn on me, especially from the first person narratives by high-functioning Aspies themselves and from the reports by NT's who were involved with them, that (lightbulb comes on here): my friend is also Aspie, like his son.

Here's the thing: I've been struggling off and on with my relationship with this guy in our male/female friendship almost since we met . On one hand it has been about the most delightful and satisfying and compatible friendship I've ever had. We are on absolutely the same wavelength on everything from intellectual capacity, scientific curiosity, aesthetic taste, sense of humor, love of the outdoors, athletic ability, liberal activism, environmentalism, etc. We have very similar backgrounds and live 5 minutes from each other so it's easy to get together. Since we met on a dating site in the summer of 2005, we have seen each other on average of a couple times a week continuously doing everything from hiking, kayaking and skiing trips (just the two of us) to going to movies, concerts, social functions, to just hanging out at his house, with or without his kids (he is divorced). We've even gone on a vacation trip together staying in a hotel for 3 nights. We always have a wonderful time no matter what we do and have told each other our life stories, helped each other on many occasions and seeking each other's advice.

So what's the problem? He doesn't see one but I have one. That is that this is completely platonic, as in no physical contact whatsoever, per his choice. No, he is not asexual because the whole time I have known him he has been dating through multiple personal ads -- it is almost like a hobby for him. He has met dozens of women and had a number of sexual involvements lasting a few weeks to a few months and he claims to be looking for his "ideal woman" for a long term relationship or marriage. Even though I seem to have all of the "qualities" he lists for his ideal partner, and he seems to not be able to live without me (we still spend time together even when he is dating another woman), he insists that we will always be only friends and that he feels 'weak emotional attraction" to me. Meanwhile, I have grown to love him deeply (which is the usual NT reaction to spending extended one-on-one mutually pleasurable time with another person), feel very attached to him and am confused and frustrated by his detachment. I have told him several times how I feel but he says that is my problem, there is nothing he can do about it and I will have to accept that.

It is not just my perception that his behavior is ambivalent. Everyone who knows us (though he has very few friends, we do share some in common) can't understand why we have never been romantically involved. He even raved about me so much to a mutual female friend while having dinner with her at one point that she called me to ask if we were finally "an item." Another remarked that he treated me like a "wife" and that I was sort of the opposite of a "friend with benefits" - I was more like a "lover without benefits".

I made the "mistake" six months into the friendship of thinking he had started to become interested in more (he had just broken off with another women and suddenly sought my company almost every day of the week and was inviting me into more and more intimate parts of his life.) At the end of a whole day spent together I quickly kissed him on the mouth just as I was leaving. He looked shocked and did not respond. The next day he sent an e-mail (we usually exchange several a day) asking if I was "expecting romance" -- I replied that I was not sure, that I felt strongly about him but needed to know how he felt. Instead of explaining his feelings, he responded that he was "just checking, " said he always "holds back and observes" women's behavior but, though he had felt "pangs of attraction" towards me too, he had concluded that we had no chance of a long term relationship so I would have to accept that we could not be intimate. Not ever, no way. But he always wanted me to be part of his life. Huh??

I've tried to accept that, have even gone on to date other men, even having romances with them, but have not found anyone I click with like him. He is quite brilliant, a PhD who is renowned for some of his technical developments (in, of course, math and computer science) yet shy and somewhat socially awkward -- even seems to panic when we are out and I run into friends he does not know. He is oblivious to other people's moods and signals (he admits this), often does not respond with appropriate empathy to others' distress (for instance, he is always perplexed when women he suddenly breaks up with without warning get upset or angry with him. And, when I recently expressed my despair and stress at caring for a terminally ill family member, he did not, like my other friends, offer me sympathy or personal support but simply said he hoped her death would be as painless as possible.). He is attractive and interesting, though quirky and kind of a nerd (he is high-functioning and successful enough to pull this off) so he does attract nice women. I actually love his nerdiness and quirks. BUT his sexual/romantic relationships are frequent and short-lived -- he is very picky and finds some kind of fault with most of his partners quickly, also claims he does not feel "romantic connection" with them (though I've suggested he does not try very hard to be open to them.) He becomes either very flustered and panicky or aloof and unresponsive when I get upset and press him for feedback on emotional issues. I was stung recently when he insisted during oe such confrontation that he did not consider me that close of a friend (though he has, among other things, asked me to be backup executor of his estate!)

We had a blow up two months ago after our 4 day/3 night vacation trip when I told him it had been very confusing and stressful to me to spend so much mutually enjoyable time with him but have him be happy to go off to his own room and leave me to sleep alone. Again he said, "too bad" "not my problem" and seemed annoyed that I did not "understand" that we would always be platonic, no matter how his behavior suggested otherwise. I confess that I became very sarcastic and rude to him last week, accusing him of being arrogant and cold (i had not yet stumbled on the notion he might be Aspie). His reaction was that he would "welcome returning to a more comfortable friendship in the future."

I had decided he was some kind of Narcissist and started reading up on that. Some of it seemed to fit but most did not (he can be very kind and sometimes generous, he is self-centered but not really selfish.) But if I place all of his behavior and our conflicts in the framework of an NT trying to relate to an AS, everything just falls into place. It's like the principle of Occam's Razor: the simplest explanation is the most likely answer. I admit I feel a bit of relief at the thought that he may be Aspie (in that it means it's not that he refuses to care for me it's that he really can't) and I feel compassionate rather than angry towards him. Perhaps if he really does exhibit AS, understanding that might help me "translate" his puzzling behavior as well as learn to change my own behavior so I don't confuse and alienate him.

So, (if you've managed to read through this long rant) I really want to save this friendship and not keep having these conflicts with him. What can you amazingly articulate WrongPlanet Aspies recommend to me to help me communicate and relate to my friend so he does not feel anxious and push me away. And maybe some of you other NT's can suggest how I can deal with my own frustration at loving someone who seems very attached to me but resists any sort of male/female intimacy and gives me very little feedback? Do you think it would help if I ask him if he's ever suspected he might be Aspie? (since his son has been diagnosed for 12 years, I know he's read a lot about it -- I would be surprised if he had not at least suspected he might himself be at least a little bit on the spectrum.) I would tell him it would not change my affection for him if that was the case and would hope we could learn to communicate more effectively if AS was acknowledged.

I try having platonic female friends, but my asperger's is bad so whenever the thought crosses my mind of them being something more (more of an automatic male reaction as opposed to any actual intent on my part), I think they pick up on it and then things turn awkward. I think its a matter of how one was raised, if you had a lot of sisters or something growing then I'd assume you'd graduate more towards female friends as opposed to male friends. Its just a matter of comfort level. As with all interpersonal relationships, I believe there's etiquette involved in platonic female friends (such as making respectful gestures towards their significant other if they have one).

However, I believe that it is mentally and spiritually healthy to have friends of the same sex so that you can relate to them. I've noticed that guys who have female friends still flirt with them on a consistent basis, whether or not the relationship is purely platonic or not. In High School and College I believe male-female friendships can blossom, but by the time you get into the workplace, its time to get some friends where there's no sexual tension.

Funny, all (well, they're not many) friends are female. I just don't know many guys that I have any common interests with (reading literature, art), but there are a few girls I actually do. When I meet a girl, there is theoretically at least the potential for either romance or friendship, when I meet a guy there is only the potential for friendship, so I'm just less interested in meeting guys. Finally, I find it easier to socialise with those that are not my peers, so with people my age it makes it easier if she's a girl (I tend to get along well with older men).