Need advice on dealing with male coworkers

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Hopefully somebody here will have something to offer me.
I'm having trouble with my coworkers. There's only 4 of us employees, I'm the only female. One guy only works about 2 days a week, and I have no problem with him anyway. It's the other 2 who often drive me crazy. Sometimes they're cool, but rarely.
I don't like to be touched, I've told them this. They seem to think this is funny. They often grab me, usually on the arm, leg, or side. Sometimes they sneak up on me, grab and run.
I've tread telling them to stop, hitting them with things, ignoring them, threatening them, nothing seems to make any difference. I really wish they'd stop. Sometimes I just want to quit so I don't have to deal with them anymore.
Complaining to the boss is not an option. He's not around much, and I'm probably the most expendable one anyway. It's not a job where sexual harasment charges are an option either.

The other day one of them grabbed my ass because the other bet him $20 he wouldn't do it. I hit him with a (plastic) shovel.

They also say lots of VERY inappropriate things. I know I don't even hear half of them, but it still annoys me. One guy decided to call me "pretty nipples" (I always wear a bra to work, so I don't know why), I finally managed to get him to stop. Most of the time anyway.

If I'm working with just one of them, it's usually not too much of a problem. But put them together and they make my life hell. And I'm usually working with both of them. They do seem to notice when they really piss me off, because they'll (usually) avoid me for the day.

Sometimes I'm just really trying hard not to cry, because then they'd make fun of me for that. I know because I got hurt a while back (cried a tiny bit, mostly out of anger) and got picked on about it for a week.

I like my job and the money's good, but I just don't know what to do about this. Why do they do it? How can I make them stop?

this stuff goes on a lot.

Wearing frumpy, baggy clothing, uglifying yourself might do something. I remember I used to always have to avoid bending over in any job, the guys are always looking out for that sort of thing. It's weird working with sex-obsessed NTs, like it's extra work dealing with their sex drives.

i think being the only female there is a big part of it, you're their only target.

good luck!

IF you can't deal or change it, get out. I just left a job partly because it was an environment like that (I was having trouble with the learning curve, which I would have stuck out, if not for the environment.) I'm gay, and the other guys are passing around nudie pics and porn and constantly talking about Hooters and making fun of fags. It's a small independent place, and I'm out of the closet, but wasn't out at work, since it's no one's business. Yet I don't wish to hide my identity out of fear, either. I don't flaunt it, so I expect others to restrain themselves! But not happening, so it's our responsibility to find work elsewhere, sucky as that is. I can't change the nature of straight men in a locker room setting. And neither can you. If there's no recourse, fighting it with lawsuits, etc. will just create resentment (Not that it's your responsibility, but it doesn't sound like it would benefit you, either.). Let the pigs lie in their own filth.

I have to say I have a problem with the suggestion to wear frumpy clothing, etc., because I have a problem with having to pretend for one's own safety. It was suggested to me in my situation to "act religious," carry a bible, etc. But I'm an atheist, first of all...but we shouldn't have to lie or hide. You know, aspies are said to be socially stupid, but when you have coworkers getting comfortable with you to either touch or share porn on the first day, who's really stupid? Things of a sexual nature are personal and private...people who do this are usually insecure in their own masculinity.

Last edited by Spaceplayer on 19 Nov 2007, 5:11 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Ugh Bullies, they always seem to work best in pairs. Always kind of struck me as the cowardly way.

I'm sorry you have to go through with this. No one has a right to touch you or make innappropriate comments about you no matter where you work.

Why don't you try carrying a little notebook around with you, and every time some happens write it down under the date with the time and thier full name. Worst thing they can do is take it away at which point you tell them you will write it down at home then. Usually a paper trail is enough to scare off a bully, they are cowards after all.

Good Luck.

This is sexual harassment and illegal in the USA. It is not acceptable and it is ALWAYS an option to report it. You're going to have to decide if you want to sell yourself like that for the money or press charges. If you do NOT file a formal written complaint to your superior, and then follow through (there can be a rather large sum of lawsuit money involved here), then you have no recourse and only yourself to blame for allowing the harassment to continue.

In case you get serious about stopping this behavior:

First step - call a lawyer and get expert advice. At the same time, document everything that's done to you and that you say to them in response.

Second step - provide written documentation to your supervisor of what has happened. CC your human resources department, if you have one.

Third step - If you are fired, sue based on retaliation protections. If you've followed your lawyer's advice, you may not have to work again for a very long time.

People act like this when they know they will not be reprimanded by those in charge.

Do you have a metal shovel?

A simple touch is enough for an assault to have taken place. Take some teeth out, go for the balls, a straightened finger to the eye (don't worry, you can push an eyeball right back into someone's head and it won't permanently blind them - just hurt like a massive bastard for a long time.)

Force a police presence. And an EMS one if you have to. These people are like mushrooms - they thrive on sh*t and absence of light. Shed light and they wither. Your silence is their weapon. They are counting on you being complicit in your own abuse.

And they might not call the cops. These guys don't like being beaten up by a girl.

Draw blood. Break a nose. Nothing smartens people up like making an example.

Nobody gets to hurt you. You have an absolute, perfect right to protect yourself from assault, up to and including killing them if they don't and won't stop. This is not the same as showing up with a gun and killing everyone, btw, you have the right to use force to repel force, not to murder.

The cops will not like these guys. They will take him to the basement and "read him the phone book". They don't generally take kindly to men who assault women, especially those with mental disorders.

They like the reactions you give. Give them one they won't.

And don't work in jobs where you're the only woman. Recipe for disaster. Your post sounds like this is a manual labour job, and the people that own these small contracting businesses are massive a-holes, narcissistic power fiends. I have worked with these types of people for the last several years, and they only hire women as eye candy. The boss is talking to the other guys about you behind your back, "check out the ass on THAT", trust me. They don't expect any work, they secretly hate you, and will make your life hell. People that start these businesses do so because they are so awful nobody will hire them. Then they hire a bunch of ass-kiss lackeys because they need to pay people to like them.

This isn't so much about SEX as it is about controlling and humiliating a pretty girl, a girl they could never get. If they can't have you, nobody can. It's like those people that take their ball and go home if they lose. Sad and small.

Part of taking responsibility is recognizing that your own actions can sometimes contribute to your problems.

No amount of money is worth your safety and integrity.

I quit a job that payed $1000 a week after taxes because they wanted to force me to sign a contract I thought was unfair and manipulative. Best thing I ever did.

I've shown up at women's workplaces for them before, most recently this summer. It's funny how quickly attitudes can change once I show up...

If you are near Toronto, hey.

Agreed, unwanted touching warrants no polite response.

I do that. Baggy pants, loose shirts, no makeup. Bending, well, I have to do that, no choice unfortunately, it goes with the job. Sex-obsessed is right.


Yeah, me too. I doubt that would work anyway.

The reason I say it's not possible to claim sexual harrassment is that I work in a barn and get paid under the table. Therefore, workforce laws don't apply.


Ha. No.


I have, actually.

They haven't hurt me, just really pissing me off.

Short of "actual" assult, I've got nothing. And nobody there knows about the mental thing. I don't even want to try to explain it.

Trying to, not working out so well so far. Need to inflict more pain I guess, but they're fast and I'm usually not quick enough. I miss.

I'm married and they know it. One of them is married too. The one who is single was cool until he apparently decided that if the other guy can do it, so can he.

Unfortunately no, but thanks for the offer.

WHAT???

Have you not told your husband? Why can't he do something for you? This is unimaginable!

Okay. If they hire under the table that is leverage you can use against them. The boss has more to lose than you - he's hiding money from the government. Usually I like that, but in this case you need to protect yourself.

If you were to go to him, and tell him that if he doesn't get these guys off your case, you're going to quit. If he gives you any lip, tell him you'll squeal him out to the IRS.

I've worked on farms for years and all that equipment costs money. If there are 4 hired hands that means there's a massive amount of work to be done, which in turn means a large investment. Correct me if I'm wrong, but this sounds like a multimillion dollar operation.

There are options, there are things to do that will help. Do you have support from family and friends?

If AT ALL possible, find another job and run screaming.

This behaviour is certainly illegal. I'd be tempted to bake them some ex-lax brownies but then they would get suspicious if the person who baked them didn't have one themselves. It probably is about sour grapes because these guys wouldn't be able to get a nice woman.

I'd advise taking some lessons in self defence and using them if need be. Kicking a guy hard in the knee isn't any fun for him and neither is stamping hard on the instep of his foot.

If you can make an anonymous complaint to the IRS, all the better. The only trouble I see with that is if the employer gets put out of business, you'd lose the job. But then again, is all the aggravation worth it?

That is *SICK*. Low class scum You know what, I'm a guy, I notice woman, I can't help it, but you never, EVER do the sort of things they're describing. Just scum.

I hope this goes well for you, somehow

I've mentioned things every now and then to him, but usually only when I'm really extremely upset. He tells me if it's too annoying, just quit, but then I'd feel all useless again. (It took me 3 years to find this job, nobody wants to hire me. trust me on this.) My husband's okay with me not working, but I'm not. He has come up there on a rare day off, and of course everybody was cool.

No. It's not a farm, it's a racehorse barn with a bunch of horses that can't run worth a crap. There's the boss, the jockey (main problem), me, another guy (part-time problem), and one more guy that's been told not to come except 2 days a week because he doesn't want to pay that much out daily. Only "equiptment" is a tractor that often doesn't start. Definately NOT a high money place.

I generally don't tell anyone anything. Which explains the whole "getting annomyous advice" thing here.



Tomorrow I should be working with only the semi-bad one. I think I will have a talk with him. It's possible he just doesn't realize I don't find this a fun game. I do have a bad habit of expecting people to know what I feel, when I know I don't show much at all. Maybe if I tell him, he'll stop it. Worth a shot anyway.

As for the other one, today I told him I'm just going to start slapping the s**t out of him. He asked why, I said Because nothing else seems to work. He left me alone today, but he was kind of bitchy. Not that I really care.


I don't want to go the IRS route. Just not going to play that way.

The plot thickens...

First, what your husband is telling you is to shut the f up. This is what I like to call "not cool". You have VERY legitimate concerns here, you are being assaulted each and every day at your job, made to feel worthless and powerless and weak, and your husband ignores your feelings and basically says you shouldn't have them.

He says - just quit. You are feeling like you need to work to feel fulfilled as a person. This is not a want, or a tendency, BUT A NEED, a need like food and water and sleep. If you didn't NEED like you did, you wouldn't be subjecting yourself to torment and hell every day. Your NEED is so strong and important that it trumps your physical safety. When someone just dismisses your needs and feelings like that it's the worst feeling in the world. No wonder you can't go to him!

I can tell just by your posts here that you're smart, strong, capable and pretty funny. And, if you're anything like the rest of the women here, SMOKIN HOT!! ! Everyone that treats you badly depends on you not knowing this.

Another thing - A JOCKEY!! ! Too good!

It took me a long time to realize just how insecure and narcissistic short men can be (no, not all, I don't want a friggin deluge of posts about "I'm a short guy, and blah blah blah"). I can't have short friends anymore, it just won't work. They're terrified of me. I found that they do passive aggressive things like walking in front of me, which takes some doing because my legs are pretty long, stand in my way, block exits and doors "accidentally" when I want to walk by, in other words try and control someone who reminds them of a person who had hurt them, a power play.

He is doing this because of a severely weak and brittle ego that feeds off the pain of others, what Bret Easton Ellis called an "emotional vampire" in "The Rules of Attraction". Everything he is doing is to bring down someone who is SUPERIOR to him - what would make you more powerful, controlling a homeless bum or an Emperor? In his head, you are the IDEAL WOMAN, and he is finally possessing you by doing this, since he can't get you in the normal way. When he grabs you and touches you, he's "stealing sex" from you, because he knows you will never share it with him.

So, a more effective strategy would be an emotional wound, a NARCISSISTIC INJURY.

His small size and lack of sex appeal are his weaknesses. With the right strategy you can end up running the damn place. Everyone else there seems like a wussbag follower. If you can grasp that YOU are the powerful one here, life will start to get better. One thing I've found from talking to others is that standing up for yourself, although a terrifying proposition, is empowering and gets easier the more you do it. It's okay to be powerful; it's NOT okay to be abusive. It took me a long time to get that on an emotional level, have it internalized, so don't think I'm demanding an immediate change in you or something. I understand.

Start making small dick jokes IN FRONT OF THE OTHER GUYS. They will laugh at him, too. Every time he makes a comment, return it with "thimble in a snowstorm", "throwing a needle through a doorway" "lack of testicles makes jockey a good career choice". The thing about crowds, with which I have had a lot of experience, is that they can be swayed in one direction or another; they are fickle. The same people that surf the jockey's wake of assholitude will bend to your will once you show them you are stronger than he is, that he is an object of derision.

He won't know what the hell happened, you will have a job, and the others will leave you in peace.

Tell me what you think about this.

In my husband's defense, I rarely tell him anything because it's just my nature. I've always been this way. My ex was a real as*hole, and even though I have a good man now, i can't break the habit.
And he has offered to do something, but I want to handle it.

Yeah, he has a good bit of Little Man Syndrome. I'm only about an inch taller, but still. But his wife's a couple inches taller than me, I met her briefly once. (And heavier too.)

I've tried it. But he's Mexican and his English isn't great, so he usually doesn't get it. Kind of sucks. Insulting people is no fun when you have to explain it to them. Even worst case senario he's no threat, without a weight advantage there's no way he could overpower me. So I don't worry, just hate the annoyances. Which I intend to stop, one way or another.
I'm reasonably sure the other guy will stop if I talk to him (which I haven't done before), so hopefully I'll only have one to deal with.

The funny thing is he'll be cool for a while, and then it starts again. And it's obvious he has no clue that some things are inappropriate to say or ask. (Workaholic, very unsocialized, particularly with females.) What kind of underwear I wear, when I last had sex, none of his damn buisness. Which is what I tell him. Luckily, he doesn't go there too often.



I think you're pretty cool.

Going for someone's balls or poking a guy in the eyes or trying to knock his teeth out. That is the worst advice you can give.

Let me tell you about an article I read a long time ago in Ann Landers. A woman (whom I will call Jane Doe) was responding to some advice given by Ann Landers related an experience she had a long time ago. She lived in a nice apartment complex and stepped into the elevator with another another man who was nicely dressed wearing a nice yachting cap.

When the door closed the guy proceeded to fondle her breasts. Jane Doe slapped him across the face as hard as he could. His only response was: "You hurt me, now I am going to hurt you". He beat her up and she spent the next two weeks in an orthopedic hospital in traction with a severe neck injury.

My advice, I would get a hidden camera and get this on film then take it to an attorney.